Miscellaneous: I was bored before I even began

I was bored before I even began

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 180

Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Judge not lest ye be judged

By Anonymous - 09/06/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 418

You deserved it 11 347

By btswc - 21/05/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 989

You deserved it 9 645

By FBI1236 - 07/07/2019 20:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 199

You deserved it 190

No logic

By Anonymous - 26/01/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my uncle died from COVID he contracted at church. During the service, his pastor got up and started talking about how proud he was that my uncle didn't let a pandemic stop him from going to worship. At the church. That gave him COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 141

By Jayde - 04/02/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 168

You deserved it 5 583

By me - 04/02/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 178

You deserved it 5 961

By soomeone - 16/02/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 656

You deserved it 25 575

Because I'm worth it

By creepingjennie - 07/06/2020 02:11

Today, I discovered that head lice shampoo can remove the dye from your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 394

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 05:01 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my mom wrote me an email, asking how I was doing after an accident yesterday. I wrote back at length, telling her everything in detail. Two hours later, she calls me on the phone, asking how I am. She was simply too lazy to check her mail and expected me to tell her everything a second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 174

By gamerlaura - 21/07/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 629

You deserved it 1 451

By douglisk1994 - 10/02/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 042

You deserved it 20 188

No thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 08:00

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 043

You deserved it 114

By vicious circle - 22/12/2015 13:08 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 545

You deserved it 1 670

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 14:03

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 176

By icanthearyou - 04/04/2013 23:55 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 988

You deserved it 4 004

By dev - 28/08/2011 06:18 - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 789

You deserved it 40 572

By Anonymous - 29/04/2012 03:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 225

You deserved it 3 393

By onthetoilet - 04/01/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 492

You deserved it 3 304

By malebonding - 17/08/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 227

You deserved it 14 879

By Confusedblonde - 30/04/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 782

You deserved it 6 453

That Friday feeling

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 571

You deserved it 1 955

By Noname - 21/01/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 641

You deserved it 3 568

Dumbasses

By stay in there - 17/04/2020 23:00

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 270

By epicc1584 - 30/07/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 088

You deserved it 4 436

By :/ - 12/03/2016 11:36 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 883

You deserved it 2 561

Trust

By CoA - 06/09/2016 11:40 - United States - Dekalb

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 028

You deserved it 2 848

Bad omen

By camb - 29/05/2021 14:01

Today, my girlfriend, who recently moved in with me, has opted to sleep on the couch rather than in the same bed as me. She claims it’s because "her body" won’t let her fall asleep unless she’s alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 176

By jxfc - 07/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 544

You deserved it 1 503

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 358

You deserved it 2 774

By suckishbf - 28/04/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 812

You deserved it 6 735

By hoops - 14/01/2011 20:34 - United States

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 260

You deserved it 2 838

By crazydaughter - 12/04/2012 12:51 - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 757

You deserved it 3 253

You're in the army now, oh ohoh

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 17:03

Today, my dad set the smoke alarm off at 6 a.m. as a "practice drill." I was woken up so suddenly, I fell out of bed into the bucket of sick I had been throwing up into the night before due to flu. Dad yelled at me for not getting out of the house in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 125

By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 2 953

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 529

You deserved it 24 176

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 220

You deserved it 2 613

By ihateseagulls - 07/04/2011 23:28 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 600

You deserved it 4 100

By treats - 02/11/2010 07:13 - Singapore

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 265

You deserved it 3 583

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 06:15

Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 229

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 03:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 691

You deserved it 8 591

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Top comments

Levi2411 41

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Friday 19 February 2021 1:18

Well, an ex is an ex for a reason. Takin' a gamble here and saying lack of genuine communication was one of those reasons?

core01 30

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Friday 19 February 2021 4:05

Little known fact, but you can walk away when someone is talking.

Comments

Levi2411 41

Send a private message

Friday 19 February 2021 1:18

Well, an ex is an ex for a reason. Takin' a gamble here and saying lack of genuine communication was one of those reasons?

bound101 7

Send a private message

Friday 19 February 2021 3:53

I bet it's one of the factors involved.

core01 30

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Friday 19 February 2021 4:05

Little known fact, but you can walk away when someone is talking.

bound101 7

Send a private message

Friday 19 February 2021 4:34

lol

emmalou 12

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Saturday 20 February 2021 2:25

don't entertain that conversation

Regis Bent 12

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Saturday 20 February 2021 20:13

Maybe things would've went better if you started with how your day was and how you were doing, and started talking, instead of questioning his intentions with the conversation starter.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 187

You deserved it 20

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 171