Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

by peachesthepigeon / 01/19/2011 at 1:54pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

by TearfulDaughter / 01/19/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I called my boss and said "I have been awake since 3am throwing up." He replied with "Great, see you at 9" and hung up. FML

by gb739 / 01/19/2011 at 12:31pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

by tgpgs / 01/19/2011 at 9:55am / Work

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

by lonerjik / 01/19/2011 at 7:05am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

by fuckall / 01/19/2011 at 6:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 3:34am / Lebanon / Health

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 12:45am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

by desertpunk75 / 01/18/2011 at 10:40pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 10:08pm / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 8:51pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

by fml / 01/18/2011 at 8:49pm / United States (Tennessee) / Animals