Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

by jsalmons / 06/02/2011 at 1:39pm / Germany (Bayern) / Intimacy

rawr9able's comment : Pimp slap her for me will ya? People like her piss me off, buy a damn dildo and call it good if you can't handle your man being away for so long.

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Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

by raebelle / 06/02/2011 at 1:32pm / United States / Health

xGabri3L's comment : Pow, right in the kisser!

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Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

by minecraftwilldie / 06/02/2011 at 12:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

chiddy_bang71's comment : you've obviously never played minecraft.

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Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

by brittaneejanex / 06/02/2011 at 12:06pm / United States / Animals

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

by satisfied88 / 06/02/2011 at 10:49am / Intimacy

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2011 at 10:10am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

by ohcrap / 06/02/2011 at 6:05am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

by meyo555 / 06/02/2011 at 5:45am / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML

by thanksmom / 06/02/2011 at 5:27am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

by tomuchtime / 06/02/2011 at 4:46am / Intimacy

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2011 at 3:26am / United States / Health

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

by Unemployed / 06/02/2011 at 12:40am / United States / Work

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2011 at 12:17am / Miscellaneous