Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

by Broderick / 03/26/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2011 at 2:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

by ouch / 03/25/2011 at 10:27pm / Animals

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

by dazzla08 / 03/25/2011 at 8:07pm / Health

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

by freshman / 03/25/2011 at 7:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

by fish killer / 03/25/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2011 at 3:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

by ewww / 03/25/2011 at 1:31pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

by FromNL / 03/25/2011 at 8:22am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Health

Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML

by Ineedjustice03 / 03/25/2011 at 7:55am / Singapore / Money

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

by radicaloser / 03/25/2011 at 4:50am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

by caseyj / 03/25/2011 at 1:50am / United States (Kansas) / Animals

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2011 at 11:36pm / United States (Washington) / Kids