All the FMLs

By cockalicious - 01/03/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 746

You deserved it 5 027

By handyjon - 01/03/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 911

You deserved it 16 845

Compassion? Pah!

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 995

You deserved it 6 623

Help!

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 107

You deserved it 3 572

By Username - 28/02/2011 16:26

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 921

You deserved it 5 423

By roadkill - 28/02/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 313

You deserved it 2 832

By Parade - 28/02/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 906

You deserved it 3 132

By jack - 28/02/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 818

You deserved it 2 527

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 03:23

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 236

You deserved it 50 976

By shirley - 28/02/2011 02:20 - Spain

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 742

You deserved it 34 831

High hopes

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I'd just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said, "You don't have to lie, some people just aren't cut out for college. There's no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 856

You deserved it 2 962

By Stormy - 27/02/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 077

You deserved it 13 995

By Shamu - 27/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 033

You deserved it 7 094

Bizarre Love Triangle

By awkward - 27/02/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 851

You deserved it 4 082

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 9 947

By ldbella - 27/02/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 313

You deserved it 36 451

By Anonymous - 27/02/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 413

You deserved it 3 437

Nice try

By sweet2u22 - 27/02/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 043

You deserved it 7 553

By Angela - 27/02/2011 01:56 - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying, "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 287

You deserved it 3 522

By NoMeatFail - 27/02/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 948

You deserved it 55 329

By jm_track - 26/02/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 041

You deserved it 35 412

By BackToRehab - 26/02/2011 21:53 - Canada

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 094

You deserved it 3 568

Self own

By bitchyskier - 26/02/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 947

You deserved it 63 825

By welcometothefamily - 26/02/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 134

You deserved it 3 244

By Carmen - 26/02/2011 13:57 - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 842

You deserved it 31 929

By hopeless - 26/02/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 019

You deserved it 74 421

By Franigirl - 26/02/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 992

You deserved it 4 588

By gumpy - 25/02/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 230

You deserved it 4 494

By Ldp56 - 25/02/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 036

You deserved it 4 615

By Anonymous - 25/02/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 249

You deserved it 11 114

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The Top

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 774

You deserved it 2 379

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 956

You deserved it 36 675

Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 103

You deserved it 4 563

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I'm severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 347

You deserved it 303

Today, my girlfriend watched my favorite show for the first time and was really crazy about this one character. She said she wanted a man like him. The man of my girlfriend's dreams is a fictional gay guy who robs drug dealers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 139

Today, my boyfriend met my parents, siblings, and some other family members. Thirty minutes later, he broke up with me and stormed out, yelling no way was he staying with me because they’re all fucking psychotic. He's my second boyfriend driven away by my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 208