Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights,... - FML

By ari - 17/6/2011 11:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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Work name

Compassion

Rich people problems

By Dear God Why - 5/12/2016 13:07

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By birthday_loser - 23/1/2013 19:33 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 17:29 - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By sasquatch - 8/9/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By Insensitive - 14/11/2009 22:26 - Australia

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

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By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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By hopeless1 - 26/4/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By Anonynonynon - 13/2/2015 19:05 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

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By CzechMeOut - 4/8/2009 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while visiting family in the Czech Republic, I was told on two separate occasions that I looked like a Czech TV star. Flattered, I asked what the TV show was called. Turns out there's a Czech version of 'Ugly Betty'. FML

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By fuck gangnam style in the anus - 20/10/2012 22:48 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, I purchased a brand new television. Not long after the professional who hung it on my wall left, it came crashing down on my hardwood floor. I'm now left with a busted TV, a tear in my living room wall, and a severely drained bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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By spellbound - 19/12/2012 14:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying "stay" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

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By annoyed - 23/9/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By Gustav Fjorder - 4/7/2011 07:27 - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

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By Lee - 21/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By FlorenceD - 12/8/2012 04:34 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

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By minimazing - 7/10/2018 05:00

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 04:26 - United States

Today, while running, a man ran up next to me and started jogging with me. He asked if he could run with me and I said yes. Later, when I told him I was going home, he followed me home. When I asked him to leave, he sat down on my lawn in protest. He has been there for over 4 hours. FML

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By EggHead - 3/5/2014 04:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By brileyyyy - 12/1/2010 03:40 - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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By evil - 27/1/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By JoeyDizz - 6/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

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By pigtails - 16/1/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

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By FGum - 30/7/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By failphone - 7/1/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2009 00:22 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

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By engaged - 29/3/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 00:51 - Australia - Kew

Today, I saw a photo on Instagram of my friend flipping the camera the bird. She'd tagged it under "irony", so I jokingly suggested that she borrow a dictionary. She responded with a tirade of abuse, claimed to be sleeping with my boyfriend, and blocked me an hour later. FML

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By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 20:12 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

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By blairheir721 - 17/5/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

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By Rollymouth - 2/9/2010 01:26 - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By grapes - 15/11/2015 22:12 - United States - Westfield

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

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Top comments

By luis72091 | 0

#2702493 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:53

you're married to a criminal lol

By cgchamp89 | 7

#2702514 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:56

Used to? Maybe your husband is like the Craiglist killer and you just don't know it

Comments

By airborn54 | 0

#2702490 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:53

fyl you shouldn't have married the achmed the animal fucker

Reply

YacL | 15

#2702512 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:56

So many things wrong with that comment.

Reply

mrT95 | 1

#2703993 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:36

thanks

By luis72091 | 0

#2702493 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:53

you're married to a criminal lol

Reply

bravesfan112233 | 0

#2702571 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:06

run while you still can

Reply

Agiggleaday | 0

#2702602 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:09

...Or maybe he is a criminal but hes a master of disguise.

Reply

Jimmyd0t | 0

#2702607 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:12

craigslist killer! lol well at least they didn't show up with pointed guns

Reply

TheEricCartman | 0

#2702860 - Friday 17 June 2011 17:00

My friend Kyle was arrested by Apple once, it was so COOL!

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2702920 - Friday 17 June 2011 17:19

^ i was about to ask if your bane was Cartmen, and then I realized it was:) Ps: I love ur name

Reply

YacL | 15

#2703111 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:36

I wonder what the crimes committed were.

Reply

herrobear | 0

#2703142 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:46

Admit it!! You killed him didn't you!!!

Reply

jamieleigh_315 | 0

#2703435 - Friday 17 June 2011 19:50

#18 I love ur pic hahaha

Reply

6joe9 | 0

#2703963 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:29

#67 isnt that you in the picture ???

Reply

6joe9 | 0

#2704459 - Friday 17 June 2011 23:34

#67 isn't that you in the pic ????

Reply

lovinj | 2

#2704525 - Friday 17 June 2011 23:51

ouch!!!!! you just got burned!!!!

Reply

alexg823 | 0

#2705325 - Saturday 18 June 2011 1:53

Figuratively, of course.

Reply

winfieldALJD | 6

#5218722 - Thursday 6 December 2012 2:28

#41's picture explains this perfectly.

By secret_dragon | 0

#2702508 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:55

you should report your neighbours to the police

Reply

lifesucks1234567_fml | 2

#2702765 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:41

read the FML more carefully before you post comments like this

Reply

PassTheDutch | 0

#2703187 - Friday 17 June 2011 19:02

think more before you post comments at all. secret dragon was clearly saying that to get back at the neighbors.

Reply

marix54888 | 0

#2706765 - Saturday 18 June 2011 5:50

well it doesn't say my neighbor upstairs, it say's my neighbors upstairs. so NYPD showed the picture to OP's neighbors upstairs, not her neighbors.

Reply

tinytimmy2 | 2

#2707652 - Saturday 18 June 2011 8:19

WTF are you saying?

Reply

numbers878 | 8

#2708321 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:42

101 is probably saying that op lived in a apartment

Reply

Mcstud1y | 30

#6373459 - Thursday 6 August 2015 23:31

Perfect revenge 3

By cgchamp89 | 7

#2702514 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:56

Used to? Maybe your husband is like the Craiglist killer and you just don't know it

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2702525 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:57

Hey, I saw that movie on Lifetime!

Reply

JesusFishTaco | 5

#2703706 - Friday 17 June 2011 20:45

I wanna play this FML in LA Noire.

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2704309 - Friday 17 June 2011 22:42

The movie was awful:(

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2705485 - Saturday 18 June 2011 2:28

I would say 98% of Lifetime movies are.

By Niqhtware | 6

#2702520 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:56

Looks like someone has a dark past.

Reply

1215116a | 14

#2703091 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:27

This has nothing to do with the FML, but why is your profile picture of a dissected animal?

By BigOrca | 2

#2702526 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:57

maybe he has a secret life. he is a criminal and when he says he is going to work he is really doing illegal activities.

Reply

justSTOPx100 | 5

#2702679 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:25

yeah, i feel enlightened. thank you.

Reply

hollysterT | 0

#2702958 - Friday 17 June 2011 17:36

I didn't ;)

Reply

kiketag | 0

#2704045 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:46

remember everything hitler did was legal

Reply

sparta98 | 4

#2705962 - Saturday 18 June 2011 4:05

Actually, 74, I think Hitler was guilty of Homocide by Omission. Since he was married to Eva Braun, he had legal obligations to care for her, which he failed to fulfill.

By Surferbro | 5

#2702528 - Friday 17 June 2011 15:57

Dude you fucked up in real estate

Reply

parxxx | 0

#2702569 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:05

lmao

Reply

parxxx | 0

#2702579 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:07

hahasoo true

Reply

hollysterT | 0

#2703025 - Friday 17 June 2011 17:59

what does that mean?? lol

Reply

PassTheDutch | 0

#2703179 - Friday 17 June 2011 19:00

parxxx, it's stalkers not stockers lol. and no I wasn't stalking you I was just reading your bio.

Reply

amandawarnermofo | 0

#2704186 - Friday 17 June 2011 22:20

loll

By ColorfulDonut | 7

#2702535 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:01

somebody is not telling you something....

By YacL | 15

#2702542 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:03

Either your neighbours were half asleep, your neighbours are evil or you husband's not telling you something.

Reply

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#2702933 - Friday 17 June 2011 17:24

or all of the above... :O

Reply

User1518 | 6

#2704654 - Saturday 18 June 2011 0:06

^ my thoughts exactly #43!

By BigHoshJosh | 0

#2702545 - Friday 17 June 2011 16:03

you shouldn't have gave your neighbor crabgrass. that shits annoying!

Reply

A13X33STJ | 0

#2703076 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:19

Im not a grammar nazi but you shouldnt have given....

Reply

1215116a | 14

#2703098 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:29

*Shouldn't

Reply

BigHoshJosh | 0

#2704367 - Friday 17 June 2011 23:07

Julie, I love you