Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML
Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML
Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife…" We all laughed, and then my partner said, "Boy, you got THAT right." FML
Today, at an important statewide band performance, my mom stayed in her seat, silent, while everyone else gave a standing ovation. FML
jesterinperil tells us more.
OP here. First off, yes this was my performance. We'd been preparing some of the hardest pieces on the selection list for three months and had to perform them in front of the toughest judges in the state. We received a standing ovation and the top score possible, but it really hit hard when I saw my mom sitting there idly. We were all enjoying our results within the band so I tried not to let her negativity bring me down that much, but she could have at least said good job without being asked how we did.
Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML
Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML
Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML
Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML
Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML
Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML
Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML
Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML
StargazeKitsune tells us more.
Hey,ya'll! OP here! Of course I forgot to actually log in before I posted this, and THEN it gets published! But please believe me :) So follow up, these bounty hunters did end up leaving me alone without actually bringing me anywhere (trust me, they would have had some claw marks if they had!) They DID pull out handcuffs, which was pretty scary, seeing as I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket on my record. T_T They asked me multiple times if I was Natalie, and if "I was sure I wasn't" after I showed them the ID that clearly says Mackenzie...I'm pretty sure, guy? Other than the purple hair, they didn't even know what the girl looked like. The only other thing they went off was that she was with a guy wearing a black hat (Thanks, Kyle!) But, at the end of this conversation, they ended up backing away with their hands up after my best friend so eloquently stated she wasn't "afraid to cut a bitch." Their only reply was "I believe you..." I did end up calling the cops to make sure they weren't absolutely full of it. The police planned on making a patrol to the grocery store across town they mentioned their next lead was. And my friends who were working at the time weren't too happy about me getting harassed either! I found out after I posted to Facebook that one of the guys used to work for a friend and that he has gotten in trouble for pulling idiotic stunts before! Guess he shouldn't quit his day job! You guys are all hilarious, btw!! These comments are really making me laugh. My friends say I should go as myself for Halloween next year and when people ask who I am, I'll just say "Shhh, I'm Natalie..." I really was pretty shaken up at the time, but IS a hilarious story in hindsight. Thanks for reading! :)
Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML
Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML
Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML
Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML
Today, my brother was playing with the pepper spray on my key chain. He didn't think it was real, so to test it he sprayed me in the mouth while I was asleep. FML
rkbkate tells us more.
Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me about a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML
Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML
Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML
Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML
Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML
Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML
Today, I went to get a physical, forgetting I'd shaved my pubes the day before and still had bad razor burn. My doctor told me I had "dicken pox" and was prescribing me with shaving cream. FML
parkoursam tells us more.
Thanks for the advice lol
Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML
Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML
Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML
Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML
Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML
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