Health: Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire...

By Mitchellbassists - United States - Dayton

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

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Health

Impressive

What did I do?

Carless whisper

By Unlucky. - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By student414 - Canada

Today, I went to my first class of the semester. After an hour of intense note writing, I realized I was in the wrong class. FML

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By JulietMarie - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

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By lame-o-prof - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

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By Ahook1 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By KitKat20 - United States - Fargo

Today, I got up early for a doctor's appointment and chugged two cups of coffee. Ten minutes before I was supposed to leave, my doctor calls asking to reschedule, which would have been fine had I not cleared my whole day for this appointment. Now I'm too wired to go back to bed. FML

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By Aaron - 12/4/2021 07:59

Second Life

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

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By LoveStruck- - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

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By a cat named tiddles

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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By sad day - 21/6/2020 17:04

Time to run

Today, my dad planned his wedding to his mistress for literally the day after his divorce from my mom becomes final. My dad says he’ll be devastated if I don’t go, while my mother will feel betrayed if I do. I’m not sure who to hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 00:01

Overreaching

Today, I was told I can’t wear a nose ring at my new job because several customers "don’t like it." It’s a very small nose ring and the job is a shack that serves food through a window. FML

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By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Screwed Up - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

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By vanessax - United States - Crown Point

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By lameows - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By considering murder - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

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By spoton

Today, I sliced my finger on the register drawer. Not wanting to freak out my customer, I stuck my hand in my pocket and finished giving them change. Now I look like I period-bled through the front of my pants. Only 10 hours to go. FML

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By TodX - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By nicooolea - United States

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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By a faint recollection - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By ~~~~ - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

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By Snurkles - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

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By welptimetoburntheplacedown - United States - Louisville

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

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By beka

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

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By FatRunner - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

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By jessiluvxx - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By Weirdo - 22/11/2020 08:02

Technologically challenged

Today, once again, my mom chewed me out for, “playing games on the computer all day.” I’m not playing, it’s 3D modeling, and it’s my job. FML

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Top comments

By TJRoy | 44

#6265610 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:25

Hopefully they avoid your intimate bits and you don't do a strip tease in front of young children.

By Cass_x | 22

#6265562 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:07

Ugh I hate ants. Tiny creatures from hell D:

COMMENTS

By Cass_x | 22

#6265562 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:07

Ugh I hate ants. Tiny creatures from hell D:

friedpwnadge | 25

#6265768 - Saturday 18 April 2015 3:33

You should insect the yard next time in case you run over another.

Ms_ValS | 27

#6265820 - Saturday 18 April 2015 4:59

Idk about you but in my country them fire ants are the biggest ones around.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6265829 - Saturday 18 April 2015 5:24

They're the big ones in the U.S. too.

Cass_x | 22

#6266047 - Saturday 18 April 2015 12:59

We have bigger ones in Belgium.. They fly :/

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6266149 - Saturday 18 April 2015 15:50

I once lived in Singapore for a 2 years. I've never once met a fire-ant.

By Codezlol | 21

#6265564 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:08

That bites!

boredSOLDIER | 33

#6265622 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:29

Would you say they're the antagonists?

By blcksocks | 19

#6265578 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:12

Yes, it is ANTi-fun

CrAzYELF4 | 26

#6265779 - Saturday 18 April 2015 4:08

So creative.

howard007 | 18

#6265863 - Saturday 18 April 2015 6:17

Damn i thought it was pro fun

By thatguynamedsky | 32

#6265581 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:13

please tell me im not the only one seeing "you;re"

By MyDadLeftMeInKFC | 21

#6265583 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:14

The ants are marching one by one.. More like one hundred by one hundred. Sorry, OP!

By JustinJK | 21

#6265588 - Saturday 18 April 2015 0:16

Always check for yellow jacket nests and ant hills. Our landscaping company ticked off a yellow jacket nest and the three guys got stung a bunch. Although it was pretty funny to watch.