Animals: Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's... - FML

By tbright010 - 08/04/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 4 616

Own it

Assumptions part 27674

Missed opportunities

By brokenkneechick - 07/02/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 424

You deserved it 2 212

By Laura - 22/09/2010 00:31 - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 988

You deserved it 17 400

By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 119

You deserved it 8 054

Rock, hard place

By coius - 06/05/2020 08:00

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 508

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 388

You deserved it 26 619

By erphy21 - 26/09/2015 20:44 - United States - Lompoc

Spicy

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 887

You deserved it 6 232

Drugs

By madela - 28/10/2020 07:56

Today, my daughter admitted that she sometimes forgets her own name upon waking. She’s 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 121

By DesDri - 20/06/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 434

You deserved it 4 922

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 11:46 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 330

You deserved it 3 397

By funyfunkid - 22/12/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 117

You deserved it 47 808

By nabru - 06/07/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 675

You deserved it 289

News to me

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 14:01

Today, I checked my mom's email to track a package I'm waiting to receive. Instead, I found out my mom canceled the order, and that my parents are getting a divorce and have been fighting via email for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 995

You deserved it 135

By Jess - 30/05/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 343

You deserved it 71 645

By douchegamer - 03/03/2013 03:38 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 124

You deserved it 78 784

By IronFoot - 14/08/2011 02:41 - Canada

Today, while on the roof of my friend's house, I took a shortcut down by jumping onto the roof of his nearby shed. Not only did I go right through it and hurt my arm, I've also received several calls from my friend's dad, demanding I pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 872

You deserved it 54 422

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 03:28 - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 200

You deserved it 7 392

By Anonymous - 09/07/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 600

You deserved it 5 065

Bad tipper, good shitter

By kmctl - 20/05/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 943

You deserved it 1 986

By Alisha Marie - 04/08/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 813

You deserved it 9 008

By BeerSlut - 02/09/2015 21:37 - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 084

You deserved it 2 158

Nice try

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 21:00 - Australia

Today, I've had a crush on a guy for a while - a friend of mine knows this. I finally decided to find out once and for all if there was any chance with him, so I drove to his house, armed with a home cooked meal and wine, only to find the very friend I confided in was at his house. It turns out they are now an item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 129

By Anonymous - 05/11/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 539

You deserved it 3 475

By youngblood - 20/06/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. His reason was because he's moving away for college. That won't be for another year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 631

You deserved it 4 791

By Fatality - 28/10/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 915

You deserved it 30 830

Keys, how do they work?

By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 762

By Taylor Easley - 17/03/2012 04:53 - United States

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 113

You deserved it 3 140

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

By amywee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 491

You deserved it 3 574

Wakey wakey

By DanJames24 - 24/05/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Southsea

Today, my flatmate woke me up early, saying there was a fire and we had to evacuate. Barely awake, she practically dragged me downstairs and got to the front door. Once we got there, she opened the front door, kneed me in the nuts and pushed me out, locking it behind her. I was only in boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 133

By forever1990 - 28/01/2013 11:52 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 716

You deserved it 6 783

By TRalalla - 07/08/2010 17:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 960

You deserved it 5 688

By anonymous - 09/09/2013 20:16 - United States - Round Rock

Spicy

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 754

You deserved it 6 832

Unexpected visitor

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 21:30

Today I went to a much-anticipated job interview. I've been out of work for a month and I really need and wanted this job. I then realized that yesterday's hike was not a good idea when a tick crawled across my forehead in the middle of the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 838

You deserved it 150

The gift that keeps on giving

By Katie - 29/08/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 1 521

By librarygirl - 13/08/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 151

You deserved it 41 781

By Anonymous - 09/02/2015 04:47 - United States - Peoria

Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 318

You deserved it 3 189

By princess - 17/03/2009 05:06 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 711

You deserved it 40 545

By retail hell - 12/07/2015 13:11 - United States - Waterbury

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 397

You deserved it 1 899

By fabs1171 - 29/11/2012 05:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Spicy

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 599

You deserved it 3 328

By Crying - 29/02/2012 20:21 - United States

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 927

You deserved it 8 548

Protection

By Anonymous - 03/07/2020 08:01

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 136

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Top comments

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Saturday 9 April 2011 4:59

Kinky

Banana_Pancakes6 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:02

Admit it, you loved it.

Comments

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Saturday 9 April 2011 4:59

that seems all right... you got to learn something

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:24

Edjucasion is good for the brane op! Ur life sound more intrestin then mine anyway!

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:39

lol learn to spell

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Saturday 9 April 2011 6:13

called sarcasm....

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Saturday 9 April 2011 7:04

22 is very dense when it comes to sarcasm

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Saturday 9 April 2011 7:17

It wasnt sarcasm; I meant every word I said!

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:06

I tried doing that to my goldfish once.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:15

ohh disregard that last comment, it was a coy fish, it wasn't mine either, I think i found it struggling in a pond at the mall.

gutzz 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 11:46

sounds like you have short term memor.... what?

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Saturday 9 April 2011 13:11

at least OP HAS a dog... :(

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Saturday 9 April 2011 17:08

I'm interested in how you got yourself into that situation. I think that is way more impressive

CaptinFalconKnig 6

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Saturday 9 April 2011 18:09

aw WTF that's nasty D=

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Sunday 10 April 2011 9:35

How do you think your dog felt?

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Monday 11 April 2011 21:19

i know the feeling my dog just died yesterday.

smurfman44265034 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 4:59

hot

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Saturday 9 April 2011 10:09

Agreed

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Monday 11 April 2011 3:19

dogs bring such excitement to life(:

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Saturday 9 April 2011 4:59

Kinky

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:01

yea,thats never fun, but its better then leakage...

jessicarenee88 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 6:48

seriously, i hate when my dog discharges on my bed in the middle of the night *vomit*

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Saturday 9 April 2011 6:53

LOL, discharge.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:57

^That comment made my day.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:57

^That comment made my day.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:57

^That comment made my day.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:57

^That comment made my day.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 10:29

C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!! that counts when it's one guy's quadruple post right? :P

gutzz 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 11:50

Not considering he didn't post it 4 times. If you were a little more observant, you'd notice that it's technically one post shown 4 times.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 18:52

3 times, and the 4th is a separate.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 19:37

Discharge? My ...dog never does that.

Banana_Pancakes6 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:02

Admit it, you loved it.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:03

that's not interesting that's dusgusting.

DaZi 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:57

i dare u to have sex with my mom

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Saturday 9 April 2011 8:59

I double doggy dare ya!

DaZi 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:03

i'll send u a pic of my mom nakd ;D

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:10

Why would you own a picture of your mom naked..? That's even more disgusting than this FML!

jess6blondie9 2

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:12

That's just wrong on 50 different levels sir...

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:17

I'm still waiting for that pic... -.-

DaZi 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 11:25

my mom decided dat we shud hav sex tom.

iZDa 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 17:52

Hey DaZi youre cool, lets be friends ;)

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:08

me too!! my dogs anal glands are also fucked up worst smell ever at least shes getting better good luck op!

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:15

sorry glands typo.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Saturday 9 April 2011 6:01

Yankees suck

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Saturday 9 April 2011 6:43

Your mom sucks.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 9:12

put some bleach in the dogs water, clears it right up!

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Saturday 9 April 2011 16:03

fuck off 64

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Saturday 9 April 2011 17:03

I was joking! but I guess if you didn't know that I coulda gone bad...but take it easy, hope no one takes advice off of others on fml :P

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Sunday 10 April 2011 17:35

64 I just dnt think u understand wat a dog means to some people. they r amazing and I would never even think of doing anything like that to my dog. and it's not even funny as a joke u should really watch wat u say.

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:09

well don't hold out on us - share your knowledge and wisdom...

RebornProblem 0

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:12

I'd tap that.

LadyNutella11 0

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Sunday 10 April 2011 5:44

ditto

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Sunday 10 April 2011 12:22

Oh god me too... I mean who wouldn't?!

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Saturday 9 April 2011 5:13

Anal kitty!!!!!!

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 16

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 1 088

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 1 239