Miscellaneous: Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 111

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 168

You deserved it 1 436

08/03/2010 06:16

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 443

You deserved it 4 105

Leave us alone

Good kid

That's what a druggie would claim

30/01/2012 23:45

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 019

You deserved it 2 245

Pubeblocked

By PubelishedAuthor - 15/03/2010 06:00

Spicy

Today, I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 717

You deserved it 33 127

16/10/2009 08:44

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 070

You deserved it 5 422

17/06/2009 17:15

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 350

You deserved it 12 963

It wasn't me!

By cantwin - 31/05/2013 13:54

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 389

You deserved it 3 707

27/10/2015 01:23

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 329

You deserved it 1 872

09/12/2011 06:43

Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 618

You deserved it 3 738

22/07/2016 04:14

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 022

You deserved it 1 856

21/01/2010 00:23

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 478

You deserved it 34 803

25/02/2010 00:57

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 836

You deserved it 5 792

23/06/2019 16:18

Spicy

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 857

You deserved it 474

Classic

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 53

01/06/2009 05:10

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 944

You deserved it 54 719

01/04/2012 06:44

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 29 407

Comfortably…

By MrZach - 21/11/2009 23:21

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 858

You deserved it 33 867

27/04/2016 10:39

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 394

You deserved it 7 442

26/10/2016 11:43

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 643

You deserved it 8 732

Close shave

By Elisabeth - 16/08/2020 17:01

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 1 397

25/08/2013 18:21

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 411

You deserved it 10 573

01/04/2017 08:00

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 903

You deserved it 628

12/07/2012 16:08

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 876

You deserved it 3 611

17/07/2016 02:05

Spicy

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 600

You deserved it 1 572

12/07/2017 21:31

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 321

05/06/2012 04:27

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 186

You deserved it 35 933

07/05/2012 04:12

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 049

You deserved it 2 679

Peace and quiet

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 14:01

Today, I swear to Christ, I prefer being at work these days, because when I’m at home if it’s not the kids screaming then it’s my wife moaning about nothing, or the dogs whining and barking, or the neighbour coming round to moan about all the noise. Sometimes wish I was bleeding deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 378

21/12/2016 22:49

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 088

You deserved it 1 025

24/02/2015 19:02

Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 221

You deserved it 8 812

30/04/2013 12:28

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 507

You deserved it 11 722

01/06/2012 23:50

Spicy

Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 7 322

14/07/2011 05:09

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 019

You deserved it 2 349

15/07/2011 11:38

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 741

You deserved it 2 785

07/10/2018 13:30

Today, at work, I took a call from an angry customer. After listening to his problem and fully explaining how we could fix it, he called me a stupid girl and said I need more training as I obviously know nothing about my job. I'm the company training coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 931

You deserved it 199

Captain Dumbass

By Anonymous - 26/05/2020 05:00

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 857

You deserved it 548

07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 574

29/08/2009 00:59

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 654

You deserved it 3 871

Puppy love

By Lovesick - 30/01/2021 01:58

Today, my husband is furious because I accused him of being in love with my best friend. He talks about her constantly, perks up like a puppy when she comes over, and occasionally only gets erections if I talk about her. Even the kids have noticed how moonstruck he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 114

Roofing

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 11:01

Today, a tile slid off the roof and knocked me out as I was fetching my mail. Apparently, I lay there for a while with the wind blowing my dressing gown up, flashing my bare ass to the neighbourhood. People took pictures, but no one thought to check I was alive, not even my kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 93

05/02/2009 14:09

Spicy

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 638

You deserved it 65 225

04/11/2010 23:54

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 9 546

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astro_plastic 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:15

Gotta love a child's brutal honesty. A friend of my little cousin once told me I look like the Corpse Bride. A little boy once said I looked like 'Mrs. Smith' from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Some kids are assholes, some are awesome, it evens out.

katherinebby17 28

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:09

damn that sucks but he's only a kid so don't be sad

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katherinebby17 28

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:09

damn that sucks but he's only a kid so don't be sad

InCaged_Insanity 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:15

"don't be sad"?? because who wouldn't want to ne compared to an obese lesbian that looks like the boy in my default pic?

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:29

atleast she didn't say ronald mcdonald ?!!

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:36

lol she I meant he but either way u look like a biatch!!! so fyl

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:41

LOL @ #5! Maybe the kid was saying "Uncle!" as in "I surrender! Please get this thing off my telly and I'll be good!"

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Monday 8 March 2010 13:33

I think they wanted u to watch the screen

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Monday 8 March 2010 13:41

that pic is so hilarious

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Monday 8 March 2010 14:32

Maybe it was so painful to see her he called out "Uncle!" to give up and hopefully make it go away.

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Monday 8 March 2010 14:37

Rosie does look like a man....

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Monday 8 March 2010 14:39

^^^agreed itzmeh

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Monday 8 March 2010 18:22

Hey, well now you have a story to tell you're kids when you get older..."kids gather around once in my prime I was said that I looked like this very popular butch guy he was popular for picking fights with everyone that was a celebrity, his name was R oDonald....true story just don't repeat it." See you got a negative and turned it into a positive lol.

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Monday 8 March 2010 19:08

17 your comment fails it makes no sense and is stupid

tomahawkinyouall 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 20:51

^^agrreeeeed

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Monday 8 March 2010 22:39

@47: I was thinking the same thing

samantha_durano 6

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 1:49

#5 is hot.

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 4:30

@48 she is a man.......

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 4:57

I think it's more sad that you were watching the show that should have been the Fml

Ouroboros_fml 0

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 11:23

you must truely be a fine specimine of CHUBALUPAGUS!!!

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Thursday 11 March 2010 2:29

ouch

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Saturday 3 April 2010 14:56

pahahah #5 FTW :)

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:13

2nd !!

deliciouscake 3

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Monday 8 March 2010 15:12

Hey, I used to think my dad was Mariah Carrie. It's not that bad, he served 12 years and I thought the marine was The Carrie.

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Monday 8 March 2010 18:24

yes, yes buddy why yes you are second lol congrats

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Sunday 1 May 2011 3:57

who screams second???

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:14

haha

loveydoveybitche 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 22:39

hahahaha OP that sucks! I remember watching like a quick interview with Rosie and they asked what the worst thing someone has told her... and apparently someone told her "I don't mean to offend you but you look like Rosie o Donnel" hahaha

astro_plastic 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:15

Gotta love a child's brutal honesty. A friend of my little cousin once told me I look like the Corpse Bride. A little boy once said I looked like 'Mrs. Smith' from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Some kids are assholes, some are awesome, it evens out.

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:18

Now that I think about it Angelina Jolie does look like the Corpse bride.

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:45

a born asshole

aeliz 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 15:00

Yeah, they do look alike. But, the corpse bride is hot.

astro_plastic 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 18:23

FML

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Monday 8 March 2010 22:32

If that's your real pic... can I have your autograph, Mrs. Pitt?

Thunderbender 2

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 0:15

When I first saw that movie I thought the corpse bride was kinda hot :) Just cause the kid said that doesnt neccessarilly mean he thought u were ugly :P

aeliz 0

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 1:11

As compared to Angelina Jolie, I mean. I wasn't saying you weren't hot astro. :P I think you're gorgeous!

astro_plastic 0

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 15:26

haha well to each their own. And thank you aeliz, the compliment is mutual :)

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Monday 12 April 2010 12:02

taptap

philematology 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:15

lol win

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:16

hahaha your fat!

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Monday 8 March 2010 15:47

That's a new one...

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:17

lmao. too funny!

InCaged_Insanity 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:18

No. She would take it as a compliment.

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:20

This was going to be my exact comment. The OP shouldn't be upset because Rosie makes a pretty decent looking man.

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:20

Haha. at least Rosie is pretty manly looking. it could be a lot worse.

InCaged_Insanity 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 12:22

"Shes more of a man than I'll ever be."