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Suspicious

By BilletsDoudous - 15/01/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I was working as a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting thirty something guy got on board with two huge bags. Worried, I kept an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 474

You deserved it 3 407

By bruhskoni - 31/05/2015 02:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 474

You deserved it 11 581

bruhskoni tells us more.

bruhskoni 12

Friday 5 June 2015 3:26

Haha, yeah. I did set an alarm, but I was so exhausted I slept right through it and my clock turns itself off after about 20 minutes. I'm also studying for finals so it's just been a very awful stressful time period. To all of you guys saying YDI, you're totally right. I spread myself too thin and didn't adequately prepare, so it was all my fault. Luckily it was a small ensemble performance, and 2nd chair took my place, rather than a big solo, so it wasn't the end of the world that I missed it, but it was a big opportunity to exhibit my talent. There will be more to come though, and I will make sure not to be sleep deprived! Also to all y'all saying "sorry for your neighbors", luckily my school's music building has very nifty sound proof practice rooms which I spend a lot of Time in. Thank you all for your support and I'm mad excited this got published. To anybody else who also just suffered through/is taking finals, may luck be on your side!

By prego - 13/04/2012 14:15 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 473

You deserved it 3 327

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 472

You deserved it 4 930

By Anonymous - 12/03/2013 18:40 - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 472

You deserved it 6 260

By anonmys - 18/07/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 472

You deserved it 19 434

Scary times

By PickedOnByDamien - 02/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 471

You deserved it 54 950

By Anonymous - 01/02/2013 23:31 - Brazil

Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 471

You deserved it 4 666

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 469

You deserved it 3 574

By mysidesaresplitting - 14/12/2012 06:44 - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 469

You deserved it 2 269

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 4 120

Bossman

By O…… - 24/02/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 2 019

Oh happy day!

By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year-old brother ran into my room very excited at 8 am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited, I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious, he said, "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 467

You deserved it 9 373

Please explain

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 465

You deserved it 3 339

Touching cloth

By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 465

You deserved it 3 081

By bunintheoven - 23/10/2012 04:21 - United States - Seligman

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 464

You deserved it 5 117

By Anonymous - 11/06/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 463

You deserved it 7 726

By cheddar - 20/07/2011 22:17 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 461

You deserved it 2 642

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 461

You deserved it 75 162

By can't breathe - 22/11/2010 11:33 - Australia

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 460

You deserved it 3 985

By flurina - 18/12/2009 20:44 - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 459

You deserved it 3 666

Catty

By Tay Tay - 19/11/2010 13:55

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on Facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "No one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 458

You deserved it 9 752

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 18:32 - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 458

You deserved it 3 363

By oh ffs - 25/01/2013 01:13 - United States

Today, I met with my Bolivian friend, who's vacationing here for a few weeks. Eager to show him how welcoming we are in the USA, I took him home and introduced him to my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Bolivia? That's in Europe, right? We saved your asses in World War 2." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 457

You deserved it 4 023

Oh, hello!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 454

You deserved it 2 428

By jane - 09/10/2009 14:04 - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 11 499

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 4 340

TW: Gross

By Anonymous - 14/02/2011 00:09 - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 452

You deserved it 2 839

How very dare you?

By GotGasNotLuck - 05/05/2015 10:50 - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 449

You deserved it 2 253

By HaHa Not Funny - 02/08/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 449

You deserved it 9 188

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The Top

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 061

You deserved it 244

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 688

You deserved it 1 006

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 876

You deserved it 5 435

Today, in an idle moment I tried to change the language on a Word document. Instead, I changed my default Office language, and now all my Office apps - plus all my work Excel files - are now in Ukrainian. It's really hard to fix when you can't read the instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 841

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked through the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 530

You deserved it 79 384

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 431

You deserved it 1 975