Miscellaneous: Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's... - FML

By flurina - 18/12/2009 20:44 - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 354

You deserved it 3 644

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Slid right out

Impressive

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 23:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 266 946

You deserved it 28 462

Alas, poor Tiddles

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/09/2019 08:00 - United States - Juno

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 518

You deserved it 118

By groomfail - 02/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling "Marry me Abby?". After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for 4 hours exclaiming that this wasn't how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 586

You deserved it 11 640

By Cantswim - 20/05/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 499

You deserved it 9 952

By dahs - 03/04/2011 11:27 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 466

You deserved it 15 201

It's a pretty good response, though

By angrymom - 04/06/2021 01:59

Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher. Apparently, while doing a test, he responded to the question, "Predict how the government will change in the next ten years" with, "I’m not psychic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 131

By right - 02/08/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Spicy

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 519

You deserved it 8 198

Faint praise

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 12:02 - Romania - Iasi

Today, we had a group of friends over, as well as my grandma. She started talking about me when I was a kid, when I suddenly heard her saying, "Well, yeah, she wasn’t a beautiful child, not at all, she looked.… OK." FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 65

By 1000dollarspoor - 07/10/2009 09:25 - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 10 054

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 20:00

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 236

By Catholicguy - 20/12/2009 08:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 167

You deserved it 4 519

By Anonymous - 08/08/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 122

You deserved it 2 838

By ishouldntdrink - 10/01/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 888

You deserved it 39 139

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 21:37 - United States - Albuquerque

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 958

You deserved it 5 975

By vanessa_d15 - 09/11/2009 07:55 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 724

You deserved it 6 639

By Arrgh - 27/05/2009 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 918

You deserved it 79 822

By Anonymous - 13/07/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 590

You deserved it 1 999

By anon - 28/09/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 929

You deserved it 2 712

Great prank ideas #47

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 23:01 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game with my wife. During intermission, the kiss cam chose my wife and me. So, what do you expect, I kissed her, but she decided to slap me and pretend she didn't know me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 995

You deserved it 141

By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - 20/07/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 853

You deserved it 76 858

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 380

You deserved it 4 103

Suitcase mystery

By BaggedDown - 08/05/2014 01:25 - United States - Rochester

Spicy

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I'm afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 976

You deserved it 6 317

By Anonymous - 26/06/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 217

You deserved it 10 856

By Lonely - 23/08/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 633

You deserved it 4 677

By 1nfected - 26/08/2009 17:07 - Canada

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous co-worker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added the color was fitting perfectly with my acne... I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 264

You deserved it 3 616

By nobodyreadsmyemails - 27/10/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 915

You deserved it 44 010

By KnightToucan - 21/06/2019 02:09

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 126

By apparentlyugly - 29/08/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 439

You deserved it 4 611

Alright bruv'?

By zetuga055 - 15/10/2021 14:00

Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 73

Cartoon villain

By get tf over it! - 30/06/2020 20:02

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 654

By Lincoln - 20/01/2009 01:23 - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 253

You deserved it 2 786

By shield1123 - 29/09/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 255

You deserved it 2 336

By Uncomfortable - 17/05/2013 07:21

Spicy

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 666

You deserved it 5 307

By Werner - 02/03/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 637

You deserved it 67 378

By mishie1 - 21/02/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 653

You deserved it 2 916

By Emily S - 09/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 292

You deserved it 40 312

By Anonymous - 12/07/2013 05:24 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 773

You deserved it 14 598

By Anonymous - 19/05/2015 19:53 - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 871

You deserved it 1 908

By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 891

You deserved it 3 821

By TheJeremyMoe - 11/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 100

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:21

I hate running into teachers during your adulthood. Especially if they end up mistaking you for the kid who sat next to you, causing trouble all the time, while you were the good kid. It's all the same to them.

licci 0

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:22

throw eggs at her car.. maybe at her too

Comments

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:18

That's what you get for having your first period in her class, all over her floor, lol. Edit: I'm joking, just in case a sensitive bitch comes along..

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:30

Its your opportunity to make a move on your teacher ^^ Every guys fantasy O and person, i found your comment extremely sexist so just go home....? ok

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:39

Maybe if you live in the land of porn, but most of teachers are like at a burn victem level of ugly.

Fml37 0

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Saturday 19 December 2009 2:31

# 7 I don't know who the fuck you've been talking to, but thinking of my past teachers, that is definitely not anybody I know's fantasy.

Reyo 2

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Saturday 19 December 2009 6:18

Question: why do you care?

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Saturday 19 December 2009 7:13

when you say you are joking, it's a good idea to actually include a joke

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Saturday 19 December 2009 11:04

Win @33

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Wednesday 3 February 2010 2:50

don't listen to all there haters, I had some hot young new college grad teachers too back in the day. it would be money to run into them in a bar!

hellokittywhore 0

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Saturday 6 February 2010 2:43

it's ok #7 I agree I would make a move in the teacher too!! lol I've had some sexxxy teachers!! ;)

hellokittywhore 0

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Saturday 6 February 2010 2:45

EDIT * on not in the teacher*

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Thursday 4 March 2010 4:04

she's a teacher at a bar at night meaning she's stills teacher,old,and probably unmarried who's unsuccessful here that really needs to be hated

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Monday 15 March 2010 20:47

OP: My grade five teacher was evil, too. She used to scream at the class and yell things like, "Would you like me to slit my wrists?!" (to which I always silently replied, "Yes.") Years later, I nearly crashed my car when I drove past a building with a sign on it that had her name followed by "Counselling Services". Of all the people in the world...

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Wednesday 7 April 2010 8:30

that was probably her plan all along, emotionally scar you guys then charge you for counseling

fuzzywazzy012 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 19:10

Hahaha:)

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Tuesday 6 July 2010 15:06

is it just me or are all grade 5 teachers evil?

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Saturday 26 May 2012 17:45

Mine weren't but I go to a private school. My cousins' 5th grade teachers were so I'm gonna say yes

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:21

I hate running into teachers during your adulthood. Especially if they end up mistaking you for the kid who sat next to you, causing trouble all the time, while you were the good kid. It's all the same to them.

licci 0

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:22

throw eggs at her car.. maybe at her too

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:55

hahhaa./

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Monday 16 January 2012 14:55

You guys are mean :p

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:22

She's still a teacher. Fherlife. And so? That was over 13 years ago or so, love.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 1:56

Just because she was OP's teacher when they were younger doesn't mean they are still a teacher now. And you can't just assume it was 13 years ago. We don't even know the age of OP. Okay, I'm done.

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Thursday 29 September 2016 5:25

#4 You realize teachers give you the education and life skills that make you competent enough to get a "real job"? Show some fucking respect to our educators.

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:26

And this a FML moment how again?

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:26

all I can say is lol. looks like uv caused her some serious mental issues

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:39

You don't need to take anyone that nasty seriously.

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Saturday 19 December 2009 1:50

Wow. What a bitchy teacher. FYL indeed.

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Saturday 19 December 2009 2:19

The_Pleb is calling ME, sexist? O.o

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Saturday 19 December 2009 2:21

EDIT: I really hate FML's comment system.. ugh

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 349

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 682