Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock...

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 4 103

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

Kids these days…

My man

By He Hates Me... - 21/10/2015 00:15 - United States - Ogden

Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 379

You deserved it 4 219

Yelp

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 13:00

Today, I was fired from my job as a waitress, all because someone complained there was too much seasoning in their food. As I said, I'm a waitress. This happened the same week I was hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 822

You deserved it 107

By Anonymous - 19/07/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 464

You deserved it 8 540

By aprilfooled - 02/04/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, for april fools day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 951

You deserved it 76 670

Loveless

By loveless - 18/02/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 4 589

Asshat

By Anonymous - 04/09/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 195

By shubididubbitty - 20/02/2016 18:06 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 258

You deserved it 1 366

By tiredofbullshit - 08/01/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 586

You deserved it 1 633

By Guy - 17/10/2015 18:23 - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 051

You deserved it 1 693

Bad hair day

By Hairdresser On Fire - 01/10/2019 18:05 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I mistook a little girl for a boy. Unfortunately, I only realised my mistake until after I'd cut her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 1 773

By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 039

You deserved it 14 964

Losing my bearings

By Anonymous - 12/09/2021 08:00 - United States - Folsom

Today, I walked into a wall. I've lived in this house for nearly thirteen years, but I walked straight into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 226

By looser - 10/08/2016 00:48

Today, I pronounced FAQ as 'fuck' to my boss. I'm not a native speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 678

You deserved it 1 492

By nopleasestopmother - 02/05/2014 23:03 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 417

You deserved it 3 649

By lifesucks4me - 23/02/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 160 741

You deserved it 13 743

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 17:02

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 175

By AbsentMindedBoy - 03/03/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said "That's great to hear!" Turns out she had lung-cancer instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 533

You deserved it 15 731

By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 01:33 - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 914

You deserved it 4 116

By oops - 29/07/2015 06:15 - United States

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 854

You deserved it 9 700

By pupitre - 18/10/2011 00:16 - Canada

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my boyfriend and his family. After the meal, we all decided to open our fortune cookies and read them out loud. On mine, it said "You will change your mind many times before settling down." I didn't realize what it meant until after I'd read it to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 397

You deserved it 4 926

By ihatedogs - 22/06/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 828

You deserved it 19 864

By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 16:19 - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 899

You deserved it 3 073

Doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 13:59

Today, after I went to live with my biological mom, after she convinced me she’s been off drugs while I was living with my grandparents, she gave me one of two puppies she'd bought as a gift. Then she got arrested. Turns out she stole said puppy. Some things never change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 54

Adding insult to injury

By SomeExplainingToDo - 04/09/2017 04:30

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 436

You deserved it 1 720

By flipnazn - 15/07/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 662

You deserved it 10 105

By chapstick - 09/01/2014 03:23 - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 840

You deserved it 13 650

By Pouya - 18/12/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 746

You deserved it 42 778

By Sam - 24/06/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 860

You deserved it 4 883

By nonmormon - 18/07/2009 16:14 - United States

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 013

You deserved it 4 258

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 312

You deserved it 5 041

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 117

You deserved it 4 189

By Anonymous - 11/05/2014 22:49 - United States - Belmont

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 220

You deserved it 5 409

By depressed - 03/09/2013 21:43 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 174

You deserved it 3 057

By Anonymous - 12/06/2015 19:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 316

You deserved it 4 933

By cousin of the groom - 07/08/2018 01:30

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 796

You deserved it 666

Almost done

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick." One more year… FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 487

You deserved it 3 423

By Anonymous - 14/08/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 371

You deserved it 6 126

Show me where it hurts

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 19:02 - United States - Weslaco

Today, I learned that pregnancy makes me more prone to migraines, but the only pain killer I can take makes me vomit. So I have to choose between being in pain and vomiting for hours on end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 95

By nemesis5196523 - 03/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 812

You deserved it 4 249

By BondingTime - 17/03/2014 09:51 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 970

You deserved it 4 105

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Top comments

x_Cupcakes 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:10

Black and yellow! (:

DahkLohd 4

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:03

You could have just said "black cock." "Giant black cock" is a bit redundant.

apcfan009 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:10

lmao wow. im sure it brings out the paint job at least?

lolbrick 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 13:03

yeah, cause nothing brings out the yellow on your house like a giant, crudely drawn, black cock.

xxst3althshotxx 1

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:14

Just cover it up with more black paint, it will look a lot better.

ey3seecold 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:19

black and yellow black and yellow come on every1 let's sing together black and yellow black and yellow..

hahafylop 4

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:44

black and yellow black an yellow black and yellow black and yellow! chorus! black black black, and black and yellow, and black, and yel-l-o-o-ooooooo!

MuZex3 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 15:59

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow!

killjimmy 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 17:19

Black cock, yellow paint, my neighbors scared of me but the gays ain't

DahkLohd 4

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:03

You could have just said "black cock." "Giant black cock" is a bit redundant.

KaitHud 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:51

^ haha

rallets 22

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 3:22

nothing covers up a black cock very well zing!! also, yea, uh huh, you know what it is, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow!!!

Kefka91 15

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 5:43

If I were them I woulda spray painted "eat pussy" across the side of the building in huge letters. Then you can have a couple of song-bird jesus-freak dealers outside your house making dick and fart jokes and shmokin' some weed.

nae_nae7890 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 5:50

did you think it was a joke when they said " once you go black, you never go back"?!?!??

funktown 2

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 10:41

153, one of the funniest comments I've read on here hahahahah

skanksonaplane 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 15:12

it's true. they are bigger. mmmm

shea300 5

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Monday 24 October 2011 1:24

x_Cupcakes 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:10

Black and yellow! (:

littlegreen 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:13

lol

MauriceWinifred 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:20

darn! I was about to make a crack about black and yellow

ipwnlosers 4

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 13:19

22-Put some clothes on..

lolbrick 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 13:37

48 - put a paper bag on, or preferably plastic.

weissesengel 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 13:39

54-dont b an asshole. how bout we put some clothes on. and the chik under hers prettay so shush yo mush

lolbrick 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 13:58

56 - I'm pretty sure 48 is a guy

bballchamp43 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 15:31

black and yellow black and yellow black cock, yellow paint

Sazzers 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 15:45

It's Gerard Way of MCR

DavLynn 4

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 17:50

Damn.. you beat me to it : /

TaylorTotsYumm 10

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:40

#22's picture is pretty funny.

MaskedAspen 6

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 3:12

everyone steals my thunder. oh & yeah 22 , that's nasty .. this is a public website, pretty sure we're not interested in seeing your almost nudes.

linzb752 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 4:24

22 is a girl. the picture over the crotch area is a cat. not a weenie-dog

yanayo 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 5:28

lol!

jewban 3

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 5:33

leave Maurice alone!! it's their picture leave them be.

kaylaraeh 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 7:18

Those who are complaining about 22's picture, get over it and worry about something else for a change and mind your own business instead if getting all up in hers. It's a picture, you can't see any genitals, so I'm pretty sure you all will survive.

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 8:03

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh my god. Gerard Way is such a pretty girl, ain't he?

sammy92 0

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Thursday 3 February 2011 14:44

Lmfao!

bloodkarma 2

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 5:22

I was gonna say this!

lolbrick 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:11

wow... thats just really racist.

mitri_fml 3

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 12:11

you'll have a hard time fixing that

TheOptimist 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 7:53

He was proving the point that even though you have a nice freshly painted house, his black dick is scientifically proven to more than likely be bigger than your white dick.