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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - 05/06/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

agreeclassic 33 712

vote type 1 2 811

By ohgosh - 12/10/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, my son lost his pet rat, Charlie. Whilst vacuuming under my couch, the vacuum suddenly shut off. Something was stuck in it, so I took it apart. Something was inside, so I leaned in closer to get a better look. Bad news? I need a new vacuum. Good news? I found Charlie. FML

agreeclassic 33 711

vote type 1 4 596

By Luna - 22/07/2012 02:30 - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

agreeclassic 33 711

vote type 1 3 536

By Sad Sally - 24/04/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

agreeclassic 33 711

vote type 1 2 974

By skrewedguy - 08/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

agreeclassic 33 710

vote type 1 6 627

By StinkyDogs - 27/03/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

agreeclassic 33 710

vote type 1 11 269

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

agreeclassic 33 706

vote type 1 5 566

By eemp - 05/02/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "That's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "Push a little harder" while dissecting a frog. FML

agreeclassic 33 705

vote type 1 28 289

Nostalgia

By childhoodupinsmoke - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Austin

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML

agreeclassic 33 703

vote type 1 3 631

By konacoffee17 - 14/12/2014 05:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

agreeclassic 33 702

vote type 1 3 078

Watch out!

By fyln00b - 03/07/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out!" FML

agreeclassic 33 702

vote type 1 8 270

Technique

By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

agreeclassic 33 701

vote type 1 4 302

By transcendingnerd - 13/04/2015 10:46 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

agreeclassic 33 701

vote type 1 3 092

Cool moves

By Juanna - 13/01/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in a park when I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I'd stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

agreeclassic 33 698

vote type 1 4 533

Xenu approves

By sonofanut - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

agreeclassic 33 698

vote type 1 2 472

By MoncaBang - 29/01/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

agreeclassic 33 697

vote type 1 3 457

Mr Rogers

By JWhite - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

agreeclassic 33 695

vote type 1 2 742

Bad guest

By Unknown - 23/12/2014 18:25 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

agreeclassic 33 694

vote type 1 3 052

Cheers

By Sheggie - 30/01/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it, hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 minutes and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say, "Oh, cool." FML

agreeclassic 33 692

vote type 1 15 121

By WritingWrongs - 25/11/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, my step-mom threw out some of the "boxes of junk" in my room, because apparently, I'm a pack rat. I guess she and everyone else in my family won't be receiving those Christmas presents. FML

agreeclassic 33 691

vote type 1 1 872

WritingWrongs app_comment_confession_title

WritingWrongs 8

Tuesday 27 November 2012 14:49

But the dead bird I got this year was extra special!

By Crippled - 27/12/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

agreeclassic 33 690

vote type 1 2 897

By dollybabe - 09/01/2010 21:20 - Ireland

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

agreeclassic 33 689

vote type 1 11 707

By GladYoureConcerned - 30/12/2014 18:15 - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

agreeclassic 33 688

vote type 1 4 268

By jobless - 10/04/2015 06:28 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML

agreeclassic 33 687

vote type 1 2 518

By computerguy - 22/01/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

agreeclassic 33 686

vote type 1 4 241

By race - 18/11/2010 08:37 - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

agreeclassic 33 683

vote type 1 2 681

By dreefsa - 05/02/2012 08:08 - United States

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

agreeclassic 33 683

vote type 1 2 328

By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/06/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

agreeclassic 33 683

vote type 1 6 643

By Postdotfuzz - 08/12/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

agreeclassic 33 682

vote type 1 9 260

By hatestomove - 26/05/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

agreeclassic 33 681

vote type 1 4 928

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Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

agreeclassic 6 429

vote type 1 421

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

agreeclassic 31 744

vote type 1 5 917

Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married, and has been for 4 years. FML

agreeclassic 3 127

vote type 1 282

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

agreeclassic 1 631

vote type 1 278

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

agreeclassic 33 952

vote type 1 3 248

Today, while I was showering, my 3 year-old son came to the bathroom and put on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterwards, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

agreeclassic 41 961

vote type 1 93 530