Miscellaneous: Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from...

By Crippled - 27/12/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 606

You deserved it 2 882

Miscellaneous

Own it

Stuck on amber

New Man

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 921

You deserved it 8 403

The Birmingham School of Business School

By overundereducated - 13/03/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 215

By whatzthehell - 03/06/2009 10:31 - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 590

You deserved it 51 336

By disappointed - 23/07/2012 01:05

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 224

You deserved it 4 191

By Anonymous - 03/05/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 842

You deserved it 1 260

By anonymous - 15/06/2019 02:25

Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed by and said, "Tuck that nose in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 143

By amanda_ae_erin - 10/11/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 5 003

Assman

By Panda_bruh96 - 12/11/2021 05:00

Today, I love my boyfriend just as I always have, but I'm realizing I don't know if we'll last because he's an angry drunk. He drinks frequently, and I've talked to him about it, only to be met with, "I'm a grown ass man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 171

By :( - 14/06/2013 04:06 - United States - Parker

Today, I was at a swim meet, swimming as hard as I'd ever swum before. During the last lap I saw no one in the lanes next to me. Thinking I was first, I became extremely excited. When I came to the wall, I realized the reason no one else was around: They already finished the race. I was last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 251

You deserved it 7 687

By Baileyy - 01/03/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 158

You deserved it 41 144

By Me - 26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 487

You deserved it 3 339

By spanishteach - 07/05/2009 14:50 - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 201

You deserved it 13 655

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 13:30

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 007

You deserved it 160

Get out

By F.U. QFN - 28/03/2021 00:29

Today, I was given my marching orders because I corrected my supervisor on something he was actually doing wrong. It seems I deserve this for "not learning to obey my immediate superiors." FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 78

By SpaceAstronaut - 28/12/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 724

You deserved it 5 206

By FML - 12/11/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 364

You deserved it 3 263

Odd

By StupidPets - 24/08/2016 03:09 - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 180

You deserved it 1 402

By Anonymous - 18/04/2017 17:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 046

You deserved it 381

By ithappenswhenithappens - 03/07/2017 04:25 - United States - Gresham

Today, I've been in my old hometown visiting because my sister is having her baby. I scheduled the trip a full week after her due date, and still no baby. We tried everything to start her labor. I had to go back home, and as soon as my plane landed, I got a text saying she just gave birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 948

You deserved it 626

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 03:31 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 087

You deserved it 2 505

By BERNDTOAST - 27/03/2015 15:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 300

You deserved it 17 819

By yepintheladiesroom - 07/06/2014 21:37 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 618

You deserved it 5 611

The Thin White Duke

By DJ Clitter - 16/04/2012 19:35 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 083

You deserved it 33 472

By anonymous - 19/02/2017 17:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 472

You deserved it 421

By sa la vash - 14/03/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 177

You deserved it 8 241

By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 15:30

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 211

You deserved it 313

By lapines01 - 12/08/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 309

Parenting is exhausting

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2015 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 221

You deserved it 2 858

By Noname - 20/02/2009 05:30 - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 683

You deserved it 2 429

By took it - 09/02/2014 14:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 8 309

By xobeachbabi428ox - 18/07/2009 22:32 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 125

You deserved it 7 961

By Starving Ultimatum - 02/09/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 862

You deserved it 3 115

By HotelClerk - 22/01/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 101

You deserved it 42 385

By Zxz - 08/04/2013 21:51 - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 6 243

Gun nut

By missbrit - 04/02/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 155

You deserved it 8 221

By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - 10/02/2015 18:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 014

You deserved it 2 752

By Mr.no contacts - 31/03/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 524

You deserved it 5 717

By jojo - 06/05/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 454

You deserved it 12 832

You better shape up

By anonymous - 18/07/2012 04:02 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied, "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 004

You deserved it 4 708

By StupidDentist - 20/06/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 882

You deserved it 3 164

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Top comments

medfly 2

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:07

don't use it.

Dont_Explain 3

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:27

Better yet, put it up on a high ledge. "Run fucker, run."

medfly 2

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:07

don't use it.

Dont_Explain 3

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:21

Better yet, put it on a high ledge. "Run fucker, run."

Kylias 6

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Sunday 27 December 2009 18:47

#5 wins.

chicagogirl5673 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:14

its not a plug in it iot its batteried other wise it wouldnt be able to run around. lol i have one too

Reyo 2

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:22

Hide it in your parent's bedroom before moving for college. I suggest somewhere secure, like right behind the drywall that's next to their bed.

clcagwin 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 20:07

better better yet, just face it towards the wall

letitbe56 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 0:00

#1 said it. Assuming you're not crippled for life, you can just use your phone or something until your foot heals. Your life isn't really that fucked.

monster_tamer 11

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:37

#5 = win

baby_val 0

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Sunday 28 February 2010 8:15

yea furreal

mariahrawks 0

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Saturday 6 March 2010 18:55

the FML is they found out it runs away by pressing snooze and now have an annoying alarm clock running around.

ilovefatcats 12

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Monday 22 March 2010 0:50

how would it run away?

Comoke1024 19

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 0:56

Or, hide it in your parents' room.

Voids 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:12

That's harsh as fuck haha.

michiganfan53 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 19:54

damn voids ur ugly as fuck haha

seven_to_twelve 3

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:16

So don't use it until you're better. Unless you don't live with your parents, in which case don't use it at all, and bring it out when they visit. That sounds really annoying.

Dont_Explain 3

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:27

Better yet, put it up on a high ledge. "Run fucker, run."

pepsie_fml 0

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Thursday 8 April 2010 2:52

u own

kaprookie 3

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Sunday 5 September 2010 7:15

I love you don't_explain

Juliaa15 6

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 2:31

#5 copier. >_>

Towerhead1 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:43

#6 IS #5. Fail

qwillis98 20

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Tuesday 9 October 2012 2:31

Meant to thumb up 104

kittykat1501 31

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Monday 18 January 2016 21:13

but you'd have to hit snooze first and OP can't stand.

Ireplywith_memes 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:36

Moar sauce? Didn't think so.

trillian_fml 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:41

so don't hit snooze. crisis solved

htownlove 0

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Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:30

exactly what I was thinking

24788 6

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:41

Baseball bats... they weren't just invented for playing baseball.

UnluckyChicka 0

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Tuesday 12 October 2010 3:17

24788- lmao, they're also for smashing peoples noses. ask my cousin how he broke my nose :)

g3rusz 6

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:44

So... there's no way to turn it off, right? Like... not activating it, or removing the batteries...

spitfire35 3

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:57

or is it one which turns into a monster and starts shooting at you if it gets pissed off by being turned off

8trickster8 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 17:29

*presses snooze* "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave."

SweetPotatoVines 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 3:12

I think you win #34

LilaBear 1

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Sunday 27 December 2009 13:38

hahahaha. Funny. At least it'll do its job, hey? And surely you must be able to walk somehow, even if it's on crutches, or at least get around in a wheelchair... how would you get out of bed otherwise??

perdix 29

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Sunday 27 December 2009 13:50

Simple. Regift it to your boyfriend when you want to break up with him. Reset it for about 2 hours before his normal wake-up time to hasten the process.