Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked...

By Manu - 14/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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By lily389 - 21/3/2011 05:02

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

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By Baby_girl - 6/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

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By SteamLass765 - 13/8/2015 09:58

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

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By heat pumps suck - 26/1/2017 14:28

Today, since moving to a state with relatively milder winters last year, my heating bill has more than doubled. I am now paying more to keep my new apartment at 62 when it is 20 outside, than what I was paying to keep my ancient apartment at 70 when it was minus 14 outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, my best friend wanted to see what my new boyfriend looks like. By chance, he'd sent me a Snapchat a few minutes before, so I opened it to show her, only to see that it was a dick pic. FML

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By oh, shit...... - 2/2/2016 20:27 - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 9/5/2015 15:53 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

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By anonymous - 25/3/2016 22:19 - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 13:30

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 11:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

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By Indiana - 16/1/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 22:02 - United States - Tyler

Fancy a pint?

Today, while I was relaxing outside drinking a beer after a long day, a moth decided to fly right into my ear canal. I instinctively threw my hand up to swat it out. With the same hand holding the beer. I soaked the side of my face and down my ear. At least I got the bug out. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By kryan012 - 20/2/2013 13:54 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By Dani - 5/12/2014 21:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 15:43 - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By "AR Good" - 26/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By CreepedOut - 29/8/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

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By nicoreal89 - 25/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 19:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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By C2 - 17/1/2009 23:17 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

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By badadvise - 23/3/2012 04:05 - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - 16/2/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 15:13 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

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By tulisa - 21/2/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

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By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

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By The captain - 21/8/2011 23:09 - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

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By Frostbitten - 27/2/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

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By Ican'tgotoschoolapparently - 7/10/2016 07:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

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By blewidstepr - 16/5/2011 03:40

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

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By MacBook - 14/5/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

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By thisreallysucks2 - 23/3/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who I have been trying to get back together with, texted me. He asked me how life was going, he then asked me if I had the naked picture of him saved on my phone. I asked him why. He replied that he wanted to send it to his crush. FML

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By budgetboss - 8/6/2018 18:30 - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

COMMENTS

By FloorX | 14

#7410257 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:02

It's kind of funny, though.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7410296 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:13

Well, to be fair, I probably would have done that too.

jay_south | 19

#7410301 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:20

Same; my mind went to the polish sausages at Costco.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410316 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:49

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410317 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:50

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By cheshireau | 26

#7410324 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:06

Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't know, it's ok.

cheshireau | 26

#7410789 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 13:16

How do I have up votes? I didn't read it properly. I thought it mean Polish change as in the nail enamel. Not that she said Polish change as in the country. I need down votes for stupidity, please.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

cakefete2 | 30

#7410447 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 21:13

Have your up vote and keep the puns coming.

By Wisernow | 10

#7410372 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:41

It's your learning curve. No worries. I'm still living with pronouncing Canada - "Ca- Nada". oops

By maikeru1979 | 23

#7410373 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:45

don't worry OP...i didn't catch it either..until i was waiting for the comment area to load. then it hit me Polish( as in nail polish) change.

emischeve | 12

#7420325 - Sunday 5 March 2017 0:49

After reading your comment I realized it was nail polish and not Poland polish. I'm so smart wow.

By Sagely | 19

#7410413 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 20:08

Context. You're in a nail salon so it really should have occured to you that it's "polish change" as in nail polish, not "Polish" as in Poland. Nonetheless it's not a big deal that warrants never coming back.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#7410579 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 3:10

Another piece of context is that some other services are named for countries, ie. 'French' manicure. So it's really not so difficult to see why OP's mind went that way.