Miscellaneous: Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked...

By Manu - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Instadrama

Toxic people

By hdkgdkvdjd - United States

Today, I bought cupcakes from a bakery by my work. I took them home, at which point my mother screamed at me because she's on a diet. Hours later I found the whole box empty. Great self-control, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

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By Sleepdeprived - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

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By panda

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

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By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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By spasticock - Portugal - Barreiro

Today, I climbed the tree in my backyard so I could cut off some stray branches. I ended up getting stuck, and instead of immediately getting help, my wife started laughing and recording me. The video is now circulating on Facebook, and my new nickname is "Hawkeye." FML

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By Chloe - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By unexpected_failure - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By Bug - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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By 20 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

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By homeless4Christmas - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

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By Username

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 23:01

Running late

Today, my in-laws missed a special event for my newborn child because they were running an hour late. They always run late and always think its funny. After 15 years, it's just not funny anymore. FML

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By deuceaddict

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

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By Misskittygal14

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 18:58 - United States - Maryville

Masterchef 2020

Today, I was eating some cake that my roommate's girlfriend brought by for us. I felt something weird in my mouth, so I stopped chewing to grab it. It was a fingernail. FML

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By JT - Luxembourg

Today, after my sister's wedding, a bunch of people were dancing. I noticed my grandma sitting alone and looking sad. My grandpa died last month, so feeling bad for her, I asked if she'd like to dance with me. She seemed a lot happier, until I accidentally caused her to fall and break her arm. FML

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By Dana - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By whatadisappointmnet - United States

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By lamesauce - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

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By tessamarque - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned there are people who will beat you up if you don't give them your spot on a bench. FML

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By kronin - United States

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

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By ontherun2012 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By meteorbabe0101 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

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By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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By mick

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

COMMENTS

By FloorX | 14

#7410257 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:02

It's kind of funny, though.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7410296 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:13

Well, to be fair, I probably would have done that too.

jay_south | 19

#7410301 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:20

Same; my mind went to the polish sausages at Costco.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410316 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:49

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410317 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:50

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By cheshireau | 26

#7410324 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:06

Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't know, it's ok.

cheshireau | 26

#7410789 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 13:16

How do I have up votes? I didn't read it properly. I thought it mean Polish change as in the nail enamel. Not that she said Polish change as in the country. I need down votes for stupidity, please.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

cakefete2 | 30

#7410447 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 21:13

Have your up vote and keep the puns coming.

By Wisernow | 10

#7410372 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:41

It's your learning curve. No worries. I'm still living with pronouncing Canada - "Ca- Nada". oops

By maikeru1979 | 23

#7410373 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:45

don't worry OP...i didn't catch it either..until i was waiting for the comment area to load. then it hit me Polish( as in nail polish) change.

emischeve | 12

#7420325 - Sunday 5 March 2017 0:49

After reading your comment I realized it was nail polish and not Poland polish. I'm so smart wow.

By Sagely | 19

#7410413 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 20:08

Context. You're in a nail salon so it really should have occured to you that it's "polish change" as in nail polish, not "Polish" as in Poland. Nonetheless it's not a big deal that warrants never coming back.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#7410579 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 3:10

Another piece of context is that some other services are named for countries, ie. 'French' manicure. So it's really not so difficult to see why OP's mind went that way.