Miscellaneous: Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked...

By Manu - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Triage

Kitchen nightmares

By Anonymous - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By uneek_3225 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By kstaa - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. He actually had the balls to say her leg was asleep and he was trying to wake it up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By GabsAlot829 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

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By Alice - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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By dripdripdrop - United States

Working conditions

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

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By NotTheFavoriteChild

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Foot in mouth #366

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By j4y - Canada

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

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By fezhafeez - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

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By otter - United States

Bad pig!

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By imahater07

Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

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By single&alone - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By cock sauce - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

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By nekkiddrunk - United States

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML

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By foreversingle - Netherlands - Helmond

Today, I bought some makeup supplies at the supermarket. The cashier snorted and muttered, "Not enough in the world for you." FML

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By spinster - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By 4gottenmemories - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By jacko - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

COMMENTS

By FloorX | 14

#7410257 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:02

It's kind of funny, though.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7410273 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 16:25

Polish change is put REALLY HOT wax on your balls and remove all the hairs.

It when they change the color of your nails.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#7410296 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:13

Well, to be fair, I probably would have done that too.

jay_south | 19

#7410301 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:20

Same; my mind went to the polish sausages at Costco.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410316 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:49

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By 2011_schuyler | 1

#7410317 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 17:50

I don't see a reason for you to never return. It happens often. Don't worry OP.

By cheshireau | 26

#7410324 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:06

Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't know, it's ok.

cheshireau | 26

#7410789 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 13:16

How do I have up votes? I didn't read it properly. I thought it mean Polish change as in the nail enamel. Not that she said Polish change as in the country. I need down votes for stupidity, please.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7410343 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 18:43

I guess you won't be Russian back there until you Czech your pronunciation.

cakefete2 | 30

#7410447 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 21:13

Have your up vote and keep the puns coming.

By Wisernow | 10

#7410372 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:41

It's your learning curve. No worries. I'm still living with pronouncing Canada - "Ca- Nada". oops

By maikeru1979 | 23

#7410373 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 19:45

don't worry OP...i didn't catch it either..until i was waiting for the comment area to load. then it hit me Polish( as in nail polish) change.

emischeve | 12

#7420325 - Sunday 5 March 2017 0:49

After reading your comment I realized it was nail polish and not Poland polish. I'm so smart wow.

By Sagely | 19

#7410413 - Tuesday 14 February 2017 20:08

Context. You're in a nail salon so it really should have occured to you that it's "polish change" as in nail polish, not "Polish" as in Poland. Nonetheless it's not a big deal that warrants never coming back.

Demon_of_Light | 27

#7410579 - Wednesday 15 February 2017 3:10

Another piece of context is that some other services are named for countries, ie. 'French' manicure. So it's really not so difficult to see why OP's mind went that way.