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The all-time greatest FMLs

Keeping up

By Anonymous - 09/05/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 883

By poisonivyandbigfoot - 10/09/2017 20:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 4 386

By Veronica Rambo - 24/10/2018 17:30

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 441

You deserved it 725

Random

By cats before idiots - 25/04/2019 18:00

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 440

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 30/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 440

You deserved it 173

Touched for the very first time

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 18:00

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 439

You deserved it 381

By Home owner. - 16/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 439

You deserved it 308

By abigiggles - 26/08/2018 22:00

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 351

Love knows no boundaries

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 14:01

Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 277

By sosoram - 13/10/2018 05:00 - United States - Victorville

Today, I learned that the gentleman who found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 180

It's Cat-Dog!

By Deceptive Dog 1242 - 23/08/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny six month-old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten ahold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 289

By Oh No... - 05/07/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 246

By damn cats - 12/08/2018 22:00

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 348

Property law

By wtf dad - 22/07/2020 23:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 649

You what?

By daddyrobyn - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 167

The best cat

By Nyxilia - 07/12/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 682

By "AdorableDoxie" - 17/12/2018 22:00

Today, I fell asleep in the school bus on the way back home when my loud fart woke me and a few other kids up. I am a teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 387

By Anonymous - 30/12/2018 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 433

You deserved it 402

By Honest mistake - 18/04/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 433

You deserved it 5 235

By BenjiFurImmer - 12/06/2019 00:07

Today, I found out that when my uncle died, he left me and the rest of my family £2000 each. Only my parents kept and spent my share on themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 432

You deserved it 141

YDI Fosho

By shuffling man - 12/08/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 432

You deserved it 4 092

By Sock_Muppet - 06/04/2019 20:00

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 431

You deserved it 188

Empathy City

By bald&ugly - 19/10/2019 02:00

Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 431

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 20/09/2018 22:30

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 430

You deserved it 189

Is this Woody Allen?

By ShockedToDeath - 08/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 430

You deserved it 173

By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 538

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 01/06/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 351

Remote sex

By Anonymous - 05/02/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 428

You deserved it 365

By Chris Chandler - 02/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 428

You deserved it 536

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The Top

Today, I told my future MIL that we couldn't see her on Christmas because I have to work that day passing out gifts to elderly patients, but that I would call off work to travel to see her any day after. That isn't good enough, so she asked my fiance to spend Christmas without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 264

You deserved it 832

Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother, he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped, saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up, screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 749

You deserved it 1 213

Today, I spent hours cooking dinner for my date. When they arrived, they told me that I'd probably not paid much attention to their dating profile, as it clearly mentioned that they were vegan, and thus couldn't eat any of the food I'd prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 280

You deserved it 1 389

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 071

You deserved it 247

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 521

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 213