Animals and Geek: Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Commando

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By SlumLord - 27/11/2020 05:02

Frustrated you are

Today, when thinking about an Star Wars meme that said, "Quote Star Wars to describe your sex life", I realized that I had to stop at the title screen: "long ago" and "far, far away." FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

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By WTA - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By TingBarter - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

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By alicia - Canada - Montreal

Wanker

Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML

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By Fonzie34 - United States

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Switzerland

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

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By fuck no - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By blahmina - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

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By cinderella - Netherlands

Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By notthebesttime

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I spent a hundred dollars on new "business casual" clothes and took two hours to get ready for my interview with a government agency. My interviewer was blind. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By awkword - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By gj09 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By NotDrunk - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By MikeA

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By non-baker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By FMAhole - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

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By Ash - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7693907 - Saturday 15 September 2018 17:16

How come the voting is not unanimously “You deserved it?”

That’s literally the punch line to this story!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689454 - Friday 7 September 2018 23:49

How's that foot taste, chief? Might wanna keep it in there for a while.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689454 - Friday 7 September 2018 23:49

How's that foot taste, chief? Might wanna keep it in there for a while.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7693907 - Saturday 15 September 2018 17:16

How come the voting is not unanimously “You deserved it?”

That’s literally the punch line to this story!

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7693979 - Saturday 15 September 2018 21:11

GET. OUT.

By ScarletteEve | 33

#7694148 - Sunday 16 September 2018 7:37

I hope you managed to stutter out a "The chocolate! For comforting! Not getting fat! I'm sorry!" before running away.