Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe... - FML

By rowanjusmc - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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There's no helping some people

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Yeah, fuck the poor

By LoadingMeows - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

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By life sucks - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. FML

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By Fatty Fatty Fatso - United States - Somers

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

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By annonymous - France

Today, I went skinny dipping with a few friends at my friend's house. It was really fun until one of my friends shrieked, saying there were bugs in the pool. Everyone jumped out and looked at her. Turns out the "bugs" she saw was my body hair. FML

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By StupidJob - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By ebe

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

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By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 17:00

Tense

Today, my dad happened to mention he proposed to his girlfriend I had no idea he was dating. Turns out it's one of my old high school teachers, specifically the bitch who hated me as much as I hated her. My dad is so oblivious, he has no idea WWIII is about to start in our living room. FML

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By CanadianTwin - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By regiftee - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

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By abby0019 - France

Today, my new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I open the door to see my ex-husband, with a horrified look on his face, and his girlfriend. FML

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By Daddy - France

Today, I gave my son a row for losing a very important paper that I need for my work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2020 06:00 - Canada

Higher education

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

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By Jolabanane - France

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

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By greenblue90 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

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By Bad Dancer - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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By unknown - United States - Cape Coral

Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By Sock_Muppet

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

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By namhtor - United States

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

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By MY CAR - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

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By bellaellaella - United States

Today, after months of enduring my neighbors relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

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By twobyfour

Shelved plans

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

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By acorn - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By uncool - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

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By Hireme

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By Cup_of___ - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By vampire - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

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By tye61 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By boo - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

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By Mandy - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By Now What - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#3492299 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

By perdix | 29

#3492322 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career.

I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

COMMENTS

By saIty | 17

#3492299 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

Reply

jbunch2514 | 0

#3492340 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

One time I jumped in on a diving board and a kid got above me with a duck raft!!!

Reply

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3492406 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:33

that's a good demonstration

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3492420 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:37

OP- "see kids all you have to do is this."
*WHAM* *poke*, *poke*
kid- "mommy I think he's dead.".

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#3492648 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:00

OP, that's when you say 'And this is what will happen if you aren't one'.

Reply

Daralea | 21

#3493730 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 18:28

...and for OP to stop running by the poolside.

Reply

tkdgold03 | 5

#3497597 - Thursday 27 October 2011 7:21

well that's what your not supposed to do..

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3492313 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:11

*a concussion.

Let's go FML mod squad...

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3492854 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:10

Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
Wait that's not Alan...
Steve! Steve! Steve
Lol watch funny animal voice overs or night time day time :D

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3498077 - Thursday 27 October 2011 11:52

Haha me and my cousins would do that as children with seagulls it was hilarious

By Miss_Attitude96 | 24

#3492314 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:12

Nothing says safe like concussion.

Reply

KittyJay | 2

#3494807 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 23:02

If you ask me... It's better if OP got the concussion instead of the kid. Lawsuits are a bitch.

By perdix | 29

#3492322 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career.

I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

Reply

wishfulmidget | 0

#3492378 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:29

OP should be a driving instructor

Reply

DropBearHunter | 8

#3492537 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:24

No doubt he'd be switching professions to crash test dummy.

By Sionnach | 10

#3492324 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Good luck in your career as a lifeguard :P

By kings1fan | 6

#3492337 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

Take it easy next to time Phelps

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3492366 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:23

If you know how to swim, you shouldn't need training on how to be safe and cautious. Isn't the point to not drown, or am I just doing it wrong.

Reply

daniel1_1 | 13

#3492765 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:37

Your doing it wrong.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3492880 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:21

Your what? You forgot the noun.

Unless of course... You meant "You're"...

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3492375 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:28

Water said knock you out!

By dadof2 | 4

#3492436 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:42

ummmm i think your doing it wrong

By fantasydragon | 10

#3492476 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:59

It's October, stop swimming.

Reply

Livencountry | 5

#3492629 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:57

Indoor pools. Almost as common as outdoor pools in Missouri.