Work: Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe... - FML

By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 020

You deserved it 5 121

Compromises

Hiding from the drama

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Cheat day

By Hungry - 03/09/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 2 054

By Liz - 08/07/2019 00:00

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 555

By Sick - 28/01/2017 16:00

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 675

You deserved it 4 662

By Anonymous - 09/01/2017 23:42

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 034

You deserved it 1 180

By savvylady - 18/06/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 354

You deserved it 6 680

Everyone's an expert

By yaa - 17/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 976

You deserved it 150

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Spicy

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 445

You deserved it 2 236

By Jamie - 11/11/2018 05:00 - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 306

You deserved it 239

By anonmys - 18/07/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 393

You deserved it 19 384

By Poem - 19/12/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 006

You deserved it 26 209

By Tee - 26/03/2010 08:48 - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 990

You deserved it 4 398

By j - 26/07/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 380

You deserved it 30 142

By Jesse Thames - 16/05/2019 04:03

Today, I received a series of rejection letters from jobs, one after the other. Last night, I stayed up into the wee morning hours to apply to campus jobs I'm not qualified for, because I was classified as a part-time student due to an administrative error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 139

By summerbabe77 - 22/07/2012 03:58 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 917

You deserved it 2 945

By H-B - 28/04/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 576

You deserved it 88 822

By herpmonster - 23/06/2012 16:59 - Italy

Today, I stepped out for some fresh air while I waited for my clothes to dry at the laundromat. Just as I was retrieving my clothes, a disheveled-looking kid staggered over, pushed me aside, and started vomiting his guts out all over my fresh clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 102

You deserved it 1 953

gross

By Teeny - 05/05/2018 05:00

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 896

You deserved it 383

By xkellybabyyx - 25/11/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 858

You deserved it 40 585

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Spicy

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 3 377

By theDiva - 21/01/2009 11:22 - Malta

Spicy

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 875

You deserved it 2 152

By Username - 02/08/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 945

You deserved it 2 733

By facepalm - 27/02/2012 11:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 038

You deserved it 4 321

By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 12:33 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I was cleaning up rabbit pee from the floor when my rabbit hopped up to me. To prevent her from standing in it and spreading it throughout the room, I shooed her away. She got such a fright that she jumped in the pee and spattered it all over my clothes and face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 636

By gunnar - 20/09/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 517

You deserved it 626

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 16:45 - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 963

You deserved it 32 306

By Gabriela - 23/11/2011 01:00

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 698

You deserved it 5 861

By painedandpissed - 10/08/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 965

You deserved it 7 141

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 20:35 - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 630

You deserved it 1 657

Catch me!

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 00:01

Today, like every month, I have to play hide and seek. Every month? Yeah. My cervix somehow moves around inside me, and if I want to bleed into my menstrual cup and not around it, I have to find and catch my cervix first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 122

By Gary - 16/07/2019 20:30

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 246

By truth - 10/02/2012 01:49 - United States

Today, my boss reported to the police that a suspicious car has been parked outside the store late at night. I walked outside and my car was gone. He had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 221

You deserved it 2 174

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 14:14 - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 750

You deserved it 50 191

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 00:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 514

You deserved it 3 001

By Alyssa - 31/03/2012 18:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 440

You deserved it 2 481

By Spotted - 18/02/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 235

You deserved it 3 956

By Great - 29/05/2015 12:13 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 006

You deserved it 4 553

By Phobia - 29/12/2017 15:00

Today, thanks to my new anti-anxiety meds, I am finally no longer agoraphobic. Today also marks 5 weeks of constant diarrhea due to the same meds. Guess who's not leaving the house anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 983

You deserved it 288

By veggiedude - 08/05/2014 03:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 642

You deserved it 6 595

By Novocain - 20/04/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 421

You deserved it 5 357

By Anonymous - 10/09/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 968

You deserved it 389

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Top comments

saIty 17

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career. I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

Comments

saIty 17

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

One time I jumped in on a diving board and a kid got above me with a duck raft!!!

Epic_Fail911 15

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:33

that's a good demonstration

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:37

OP- "see kids all you have to do is this." *WHAM* *poke*, *poke* kid- "mommy I think he's dead.".

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:00

OP, that's when you say 'And this is what will happen if you aren't one'.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 18:28

...and for OP to stop running by the poolside.

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Thursday 27 October 2011 7:21

well that's what your not supposed to do..

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:11

*a concussion. Let's go FML mod squad...

TheDeadlyTurtle 7

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:10

Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Wait that's not Alan... Steve! Steve! Steve Lol watch funny animal voice overs or night time day time :D

TheDeadlyTurtle 7

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Thursday 27 October 2011 11:52

Haha me and my cousins would do that as children with seagulls it was hilarious

Miss_Attitude96 24

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:12

Nothing says safe like concussion.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 23:02

If you ask me... It's better if OP got the concussion instead of the kid. Lawsuits are a bitch.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career. I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

wishfulmidget 0

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:29

OP should be a driving instructor

DropBearHunter 8

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:24

No doubt he'd be switching professions to crash test dummy.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Good luck in your career as a lifeguard :P

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

Take it easy next to time Phelps

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:23

If you know how to swim, you shouldn't need training on how to be safe and cautious. Isn't the point to not drown, or am I just doing it wrong.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:37

Your doing it wrong.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:21

Your what? You forgot the noun. Unless of course... You meant "You're"...

Buttsexpirate 9

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:28

Water said knock you out!

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:42

ummmm i think your doing it wrong

fantasydragon 10

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:59

It's October, stop swimming.

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Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:57

Indoor pools. Almost as common as outdoor pools in Missouri.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 134

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 86