Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe... - FML

By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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Understandable

Weird kid

Headache

By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 02:00

Team breaking

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

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By Misunderstood - 8/2/2009 05:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

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By Traffickills - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

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By julia - 11/6/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By Char - 24/9/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By preggo - 1/8/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By NotTilly - 10/3/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - 22/2/2016 20:16 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By djteller - 25/4/2009 00:13 - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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By annonymous - 30/11/2009 18:59 - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

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By Oh God - 24/5/2018 06:00

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

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By stupid - 27/5/2013 11:16 - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

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By reginaphalange - 27/5/2010 14:06 - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

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By Boo - 16/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By itwaswarm - 25/9/2015 21:04 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 16:46 - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

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By Bonecrusher - 27/3/2015 22:50 - United States - Sonoma

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

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By thicklysettled - 20/7/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By anonymous - 9/5/2013 00:07 - United States - Casper

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

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By Tenniemo - 20/6/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Arcanin3Boss - 23/6/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By Justincredible69 - 29/6/2015 20:29 - United States

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By PTKFML - 26/7/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

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By EosHelios - 27/2/2018 13:00 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By DMO - 7/7/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

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By McFizzy321 - 13/12/2012 03:43 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By CantPublish - 4/9/2012 22:02 - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By me - 18/6/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

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By Jacqueline - 1/7/2012 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML

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By Real Life Sucks - 26/5/2015 16:50 - United States

Today, it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated college. I make less money in my full-time job now than I did working part-time in college. FML

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By Female - 22/1/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

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By insomnitude - 5/3/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#3492299 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

By perdix | 29

#3492322 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career.

I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

COMMENTS

By saIty | 17

#3492299 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:08

All the kid needs, to be careful, are floaties, noodles, and kick boards.

Reply

#3492340 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

One time I jumped in on a diving board and a kid got above me with a duck raft!!!

Reply

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3492406 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:33

that's a good demonstration

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3492420 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:37

OP- "see kids all you have to do is this."
*WHAM* *poke*, *poke*
kid- "mommy I think he's dead.".

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#3492648 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:00

OP, that's when you say 'And this is what will happen if you aren't one'.

Reply

Daralea | 21

#3493730 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 18:28

...and for OP to stop running by the poolside.

Reply

tkdgold03 | 5

#3497597 - Thursday 27 October 2011 7:21

well that's what your not supposed to do..

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3492313 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:11

*a concussion.

Let's go FML mod squad...

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3492854 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:10

Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
Wait that's not Alan...
Steve! Steve! Steve
Lol watch funny animal voice overs or night time day time :D

Reply

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3498077 - Thursday 27 October 2011 11:52

Haha me and my cousins would do that as children with seagulls it was hilarious

By Miss_Attitude96 | 24

#3492314 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:12

Nothing says safe like concussion.

Reply

KittyJay | 2

#3494807 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 23:02

If you ask me... It's better if OP got the concussion instead of the kid. Lawsuits are a bitch.

By perdix | 29

#3492322 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Nothing is more educational than a real demonstration of what NOT to do! It's effective for the students, but you're going to have a short career.

I hope you don't also lecture on fire safety or teen pregnancy.

Reply

wishfulmidget | 0

#3492378 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:29

OP should be a driving instructor

Reply

DropBearHunter | 8

#3492537 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:24

No doubt he'd be switching professions to crash test dummy.

By Sionnach | 10

#3492324 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:13

Good luck in your career as a lifeguard :P

By kings1fan | 6

#3492337 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:17

Take it easy next to time Phelps

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3492366 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:23

If you know how to swim, you shouldn't need training on how to be safe and cautious. Isn't the point to not drown, or am I just doing it wrong.

Reply

daniel1_1 | 13

#3492765 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 14:37

Your doing it wrong.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3492880 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 15:21

Your what? You forgot the noun.

Unless of course... You meant "You're"...

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3492375 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:28

Water said knock you out!

By dadof2 | 4

#3492436 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:42

ummmm i think your doing it wrong

By fantasydragon | 10

#3492476 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 12:59

It's October, stop swimming.

Reply

Livencountry | 5

#3492629 - Wednesday 26 October 2011 13:57

Indoor pools. Almost as common as outdoor pools in Missouri.