Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my friend drove me me to catch the 8 pm train. Running late, we screeched into the parking lot at 7:57, stopped the car in a 'no stop' zone. I said goodbye to my friend, sprinted to my train and barely made it. Then, with the train in motion, I noticed my friend's car keys in my hand. FML
Lohbj tells us more.
Lohbj 0
ATTENTION: I AM THE ONE WHO POSTED THIS FML 1. I think it's hilarious how many of you think it is fake. 2. If you've ever posted on FML before, you'll know you can only put 300 characters which means details are left out. 3. We were running so late that my friend ran inside to scan my ticket (I bought online so I had to get the actual ticket from the counter) while I got all my bags from the car. I grabbed the keys out of the car because I met her in the lobby to exchange keys for tickets (I didn't want her car to sit there running in the middle of the street.) We were so flustered about catching the train , I snatched the ticket and took off running for the train. We didn't even realize we didn't switch back the keys. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed, because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML
Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML
Today, on my wedding day, when they said, "You may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately, my hands were sweaty as I was nervous, and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML
Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML
Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML
Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML
Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML
Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML
Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML
Today, we had to have our vet put our horse down. Afterwards we were discussing burial options. We then find the cat with a broken neck. Had to have her put down also. Now we have animal services questioning us for animal abuse. FML
countrysparrow tells us more.
hey, i'm the one who had to put the animals down. this is very real. the horse was very old and got an infection, and had to be put down. now, you cant just take your horse to the vet, like you can with a dog or cat, you have to have the vet make a house call. so the vet came by prepared to uthanize the horse, Monster. before, going out to the barn, (yes, where we keep our horses, there is a barn, just not on the farm that we live, which is why the horses are not on our property, so no, that is not animal abuse), we went to the deckhouse, to discuss burial options, since it is illegal where we live to bury animals without a permit. we got to the house, to find one of the barn cats with a broken neck. now we have a doggie door in the kitchen for the dogs, but the cats use it to, since they are both indoor/outdoor animals. we are guessing that the cat went out to the barn, like they always do, and got to close behind a cow or horse, and got kicked. you never know, she might even have jumped off a high ledge, cats necks are very fragile. but anyway, the barn had to have the cat put down, along with us having to put Monster down. so the county wanted to temporarily shut down the barn for investigation, but pulled out, because there was nothing wrong with any of the other several animals. and to number 5, shooting animals is considered animal abuse, and even though my family owns guns, most around us do, we would NEVER consider shooting an animal, even if it was to put it out of its misory, unless we absolutely had to. hope that straightens everybody out, and thank you too all that were polite and didnt mock or laugh about our situation, and took it seriously. this is not a laughing matter.
Today, it's my mother's birthday so I took her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mother's birthday I gave her 3 broken ribs. FML
Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, during my first date with a girl I've liked for awhile, she tells me about some minor disabilities she was born with. Wanting to be honest with her too, I tell her I'm slightly autistic. Her response was, "I'm sorry this isn't going to work. I can't date a retard." I had to eat alone after that. FML
Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML
Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML
Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML
Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML
Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML
Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML
Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML
Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML
Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML
Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML
Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paperwork. Later, she asked me, "What does caucasian mean?" I replied, "Why?" Apparently she didn't recognize the word, so she checked "Other" and wrote in "White". FML
Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML
mariet_fml tells us more.
Holy hell, I forgot that this made it to the site. To answer some questions: This happened several years ago. My sister is a soldier, was deployed, bomb went off, lost her leg. I'm not going into details because it's still difficult to discuss. She has a desk job now and gets around fine on a prosthetic. We did not break up directly because of this. We had a huge row and I threw him out of my apartment. I didn't speak to him for a week. He apologized, said he just felt awkward and didn't know what to say, and I forgave him. We broke up later for different reasons. Mostly he is a nice guy, he had never shown any kind of insensitivity before this (he even came with me to my grandmother's funeral) but this was a bonehead moment. Some people suggested that I "know it's funny." In a hypothetical situation, it is funny. After she went through physical and emotional therapy, it is funny. I was reminded of this event because we went to IHOP and she jokingly asked for an application, saying she is automatically qualified. But at that moment, when I was in shock and could barely breathe? Nothing was funny. When you hear this kind of news and you are not even sure if your sister is going to live, she is the only one that can cheer you up. So **** you guys.
Today, I baked my friend a cake for his 21st birthday. When I arrived at his house, his girlfriend, who hadn't made him anything, screamed at me for "making her look bad." She then took the cake, banned me from the party, and kicked me out. FML
NZgirl92 tells us more.
NZgirl92 6
PS. I have a boyfriend, who lives with the friend whose birthday it was and his girlfriend.
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