Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML
Creep alert
Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML
Oddball
Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML
Today, one of the special needs teens I work with confessed his love for me. It was cute until he put his erection on my leg and attempted to hump me. FML
BioChickthcfy tells us more.
All is well, he was reminded to have "nice hands" as well as other things. He lives at the facility I work at, but I will not be working with this youth anymore. Things escalated very quickly and in order for everyone to be safe and be able to learn in an apparently less tempting environment I will be in a different location.
As a treat
Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML
Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML
Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML
Today, after a long day of working on my feet, I came home looking forward to soaking my aching feet in a foot spa. When I was pulling the machine out of a closet, it slipped and came crashing down on my feet. It broke. So did three of my toes. FML
Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML
Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML
Stranger danger
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I attempted some bondage for the first time. Within seconds of the handcuffs being put on, I went into a serious panic attack. I was playing the dominant; my girlfriend was the one in cuffs. FML
vanillaforme tells us more.
Hey, OP here. Here are some more details, for those curious: - All FMLs must begin with the word "Today", but this actually happened a couple of years ago. My GF and I are still together. - Yes, it was a full-blown panic attack, and the only one I've ever had in my life. Never having experienced one before, I thought it was something like a heart attack. What got edited out of the FML was that we actaully called paramedics and I ended up in emergency. - We got the handcuffs off and some normal clothes on my GF (I was already fully clothed) before the paramedics arrived, so there was no need for embarrassing explanations. For a minute though, it was a real concern. - I still don't know what exactly the trigger was. Both my GF and I were pretty nervous and weren't really enjoying ourselves. (We should have stopped when it was clear that neither of us really wanted to continue, but we figured we would try anyway.) I think her anxiety contributed to mine, eventually leading to the panic attack. - We *did* try again a few weeks afterward, when we were both much more "in the mood." No panic attack that time, but we pretty much confirmed that neither of us liked being restrained before or during sex. We both had fantasies about this sort of thing, which is what led us to try it in the first place, but reality proved much different than our imaginations. - For those wondering, they were simple police-style handcuffs, not anything specifically made for bondage play.
Freakout time
Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML
Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML
Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML
Retail sucks
Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML
Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML
Bad start to the day
Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML
Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML
Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML
Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML
Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep, my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML
Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
Candidly
Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML
Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML
You bastard
Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML
Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML
Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML