Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of...

By no name

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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52824

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Phantom pooper

By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55959

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9575

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By veebenjoo - United States

Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35827

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4303

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By bitch - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2268

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10409

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23346

You deserved it

4804

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By bowler - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the bowling alley. The manager was busy and asked if I could wait. Let's just say I've never bowled before, and I wanted to know how deep the hole was on the bowling ball. The interview ended with him spitting on my finger, trying to get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7679

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33317

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By ehcanadianeh - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20648

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11982

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By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23940

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8190

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By billjoebob424 - 7/2/2020 01:00 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2099

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664

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18514

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47271

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By BobRyder - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I brought home my 3D glasses after a movie. I had a laugh about it until I realized that I put my $100 sunglasses in the recycle box outside of the theatre instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41347

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24300

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By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25859

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2467

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By Pissed - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42283

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38626

You deserved it

6716

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By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - United States

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30842

You deserved it

4676

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By cjhgvb - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31269

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4196

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By teach - United States

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39148

You deserved it

8463

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By Katie - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31969

You deserved it

3091

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42072

You deserved it

7762

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By killmyself - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17303

You deserved it

46912

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24499

You deserved it

3061

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33717

You deserved it

1580

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1031

You deserved it

228

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41545

You deserved it

4549

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By letmeinplease - United Kingdom

Today, I wasn't allowed to work from home, despite being ill enough to just take the day off anyway, so 'there could be someone to answer the phone'. The phone didn't ring once all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28207

You deserved it

2901

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36960

You deserved it

3951

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By bonesniffer - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37588

You deserved it

6000

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By bubblegummm13 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33626

You deserved it

4451

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By cachucy - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32631

You deserved it

3503

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By onefishtwofishes - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39799

You deserved it

4435

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28650

You deserved it

2337

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By sleeper - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26201

You deserved it

6036

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6458

You deserved it

487

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By Matt - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32024

You deserved it

4570

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4357

You deserved it

254

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By Dummas

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3606

You deserved it

6012

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35318

You deserved it

3866

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By LonelyStranger - 2/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2327

You deserved it

201

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25306

You deserved it

1626

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26082

You deserved it

36668

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By BMike - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38465

You deserved it

2955

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Top comments

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

COMMENTS

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2111745 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:09

Ew!!! Omfg EWWWW!!!!!

djcoco5 | 0

#2111996 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 22:06

most disgusting thing i've seen in my life!

bariforlife | 0

#2114653 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:43

gah!!!!
grosss!!!!

SarahStarzz | 0

#2131230 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:15

I hate insects!!! eeww they creep the shit out of me just looking at them makes me all eeww

TJ10 | 0

#2612852 - Friday 3 June 2011 16:33

tell ur bf/gf to wash more thoroughly

country_chickie | 0

#3149474 - Sunday 21 August 2011 1:42

Omg!!! Nasty!! Wtf?!

By tjsomethin | 9

#2111598 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Lol ew

GuyMcGee | 0

#2112262 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:07

well.. it looks like, (puts on sunglasses) you swallowed a cockroach

wikkedphuka | 0

#2438603 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:09

is you profile pic chedder bob lmao

By clarkey | 0

#2111607 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:16

what did it taste like?

I_R_Genius | 3

#2111775 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:27

Chocolate dipped cockroaches are the best. Om nom nom.

saraaheatherr7 | 11

#5746433 - Friday 8 November 2013 6:59

Salt and vinegar grasshoppers. And no. I'm not joking! I buy them at candy mountain in Winnipeg!

By dani22097 | 0

#2111614 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

crunchy right?

instnt1nfction | 17

#2111950 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:41

that's what she said

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2111734 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:01

Win!(:

beckyxD | 12

#3613627 - Monday 21 November 2011 6:36

Double win!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2111622 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

It's the CIA. You've been bugged.

alexaaisabeastt | 0

#2112470 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:56

^win.

yehr | 0

#2137549 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 18:23

LOL that was awesome :D!!

By uncbballwins | 0

#2111624 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

Yes it's great knowing you will die a slow, painful death of not having the lung capacity to satisfy your body's oxygen needs.

instnt1nfction | 17

#2111954 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:43

o yeah?
crunchy crap and mushy pee

Hanimon | 0

#2114379 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:31

nah, not really, 49 lolol

By EmVee | 0

#2111625 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

That truly grossed me out - and I don't *ever* get grossed out ><

Lizza330 | 28

#2111642 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:20

Same here. D:

yuggi1 | 11

#2111718 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:54

Her/his lungs are just fine, it's that darn cockroach, looking for a place to lay its eggs no doubt, that has her asphyxiating.
I saw this show about how hissing cockroaches lay eggs and EWWWW- absolutely disgusting!