Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of...

By no name - 22/2/2011 12:25

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

Rich people problems

Headache

By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By sucks - 17/5/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Wellthen - 28/7/2016 01:07

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

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By vanguardwiley - 24/7/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

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By wow - 30/10/2014 22:05 - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By Megan - 26/3/2013 19:04 - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By Bethany - 7/8/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, I have an orthodontist's appointment, and I told my best friend that I was going to get my teeth fixed. She replied, "Wow, thanks. Your smile's really awful to have to look at." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 16:14 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By Smoothskin - 19/9/2013 21:18 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2018 19:00

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By SplishSplash - 1/9/2013 01:21 - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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By NewFiancee - 11/8/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By Denise - 26/7/2020 17:00

How does that work?

Today, the girl I hired and trained took my director's position. She's not even been there a month. I didn't do anything to lose it, they just decided she was more qualified. At least I was good at picking employees I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

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By soldnone - 18/11/2012 10:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 17:45 - Mexico - Saltillo

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

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By me - 14/6/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 01:52 - United States

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

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By Fmylife - 6/7/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By ocdistheworst - 26/8/2013 20:05 - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

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By effiestonem154 - 2/4/2013 21:14 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By D - 4/12/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

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By jazojigga - 2/3/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

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By snitchovich - 27/5/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/5/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 10:06 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By First Kiss - 7/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By poopshooter101 - 30/6/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML

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By kmang33 - 2/4/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

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By hoho5191 - 20/7/2009 16:50 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By tabbycacti - 30/11/2015 13:06 - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

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By Skittlezzz0901 - 21/3/2017 19:00 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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Top comments

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

COMMENTS

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2111745 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:09

Ew!!! Omfg EWWWW!!!!!

djcoco5 | 0

#2111996 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 22:06

most disgusting thing i've seen in my life!

bariforlife | 0

#2114653 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:43

gah!!!!
grosss!!!!

SarahStarzz | 0

#2131230 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:15

I hate insects!!! eeww they creep the shit out of me just looking at them makes me all eeww

TJ10 | 0

#2612852 - Friday 3 June 2011 16:33

tell ur bf/gf to wash more thoroughly

country_chickie | 0

#3149474 - Sunday 21 August 2011 1:42

Omg!!! Nasty!! Wtf?!

By tjsomethin | 9

#2111598 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Lol ew

GuyMcGee | 0

#2112262 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:07

well.. it looks like, (puts on sunglasses) you swallowed a cockroach

wikkedphuka | 0

#2438603 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:09

is you profile pic chedder bob lmao

By clarkey | 0

#2111607 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:16

what did it taste like?

I_R_Genius | 3

#2111775 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:27

Chocolate dipped cockroaches are the best. Om nom nom.

saraaheatherr7 | 11

#5746433 - Friday 8 November 2013 6:59

Salt and vinegar grasshoppers. And no. I'm not joking! I buy them at candy mountain in Winnipeg!

By dani22097 | 0

#2111614 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

crunchy right?

instnt1nfction | 16

#2111950 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:41

that's what she said

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2111734 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:01

Win!(:

beckyxD | 12

#3613627 - Monday 21 November 2011 6:36

Double win!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2111622 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

It's the CIA. You've been bugged.

alexaaisabeastt | 0

#2112470 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:56

^win.

yehr | 0

#2137549 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 18:23

LOL that was awesome :D!!

By uncbballwins | 0

#2111624 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

Yes it's great knowing you will die a slow, painful death of not having the lung capacity to satisfy your body's oxygen needs.

instnt1nfction | 16

#2111954 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:43

o yeah?
crunchy crap and mushy pee

Hanimon | 0

#2114379 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:31

nah, not really, 49 lolol

By EmVee | 0

#2111625 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

That truly grossed me out - and I don't *ever* get grossed out ><

Lizza330 | 28

#2111642 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:20

Same here. D:

yuggi1 | 11

#2111718 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:54

Her/his lungs are just fine, it's that darn cockroach, looking for a place to lay its eggs no doubt, that has her asphyxiating.
I saw this show about how hissing cockroaches lay eggs and EWWWW- absolutely disgusting!