Miscellaneous: Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of...

By no name

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

There's no helping some people

Vibe check

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out of the operating room at the end of an emergency case. I spent ten minutes talking to a woman about her son before we realized I was talking to the wrong family. FML

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By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Chipper - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By Anonymous

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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By SimG - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 10:57

You BARBARIAN!

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

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By justanaccount - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

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By evenpoorer - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

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By DUMMIE - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Advice time

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By Veronica Rambo

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

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By AnonymousCow - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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By sarahhh - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By fme

Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered "incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML

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By ouch - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

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By Red Face, too

Today, I saw Niagra Falls. Not the one in Canada, but the one that was released when I went to check on my period at work. I had no change of clothes. FML

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By Ugly - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By footyfallout - Canada

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

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By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Time just flies by

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

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By Anonymous - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By noshow - United States - Richardson

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By Alec - United States

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

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By jacko - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

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By omg - Canada

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

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By BeanThereRuinedThat

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

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Top comments

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

COMMENTS

By Valea_fml | 9

#2111594 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Eww! Disgusting. FYL.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2111745 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:09

Ew!!! Omfg EWWWW!!!!!

djcoco5 | 0

#2111996 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 22:06

most disgusting thing i've seen in my life!

bariforlife | 0

#2114653 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 9:43

gah!!!!
grosss!!!!

SarahStarzz | 0

#2131230 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:15

I hate insects!!! eeww they creep the shit out of me just looking at them makes me all eeww

TJ10 | 0

#2612852 - Friday 3 June 2011 16:33

tell ur bf/gf to wash more thoroughly

country_chickie | 0

#3149474 - Sunday 21 August 2011 1:42

Omg!!! Nasty!! Wtf?!

By tjsomethin | 9

#2111598 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:15

Lol ew

GuyMcGee | 0

#2112262 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:07

well.. it looks like, (puts on sunglasses) you swallowed a cockroach

wikkedphuka | 0

#2438603 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:09

is you profile pic chedder bob lmao

By clarkey | 0

#2111607 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:16

what did it taste like?

I_R_Genius | 3

#2111775 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:27

Chocolate dipped cockroaches are the best. Om nom nom.

saraaheatherr7 | 11

#5746433 - Friday 8 November 2013 6:59

Salt and vinegar grasshoppers. And no. I'm not joking! I buy them at candy mountain in Winnipeg!

By dani22097 | 0

#2111614 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

crunchy right?

instnt1nfction | 17

#2111950 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:41

that's what she said

By lemoncows | 2

#2111619 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:17

dirty mouth? clean it up with orbit!

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2111734 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:01

Win!(:

beckyxD | 12

#3613627 - Monday 21 November 2011 6:36

Double win!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2111622 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

It's the CIA. You've been bugged.

alexaaisabeastt | 0

#2112470 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 0:56

^win.

yehr | 0

#2137549 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 18:23

LOL that was awesome :D!!

By uncbballwins | 0

#2111624 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

Yes it's great knowing you will die a slow, painful death of not having the lung capacity to satisfy your body's oxygen needs.

instnt1nfction | 17

#2111954 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 21:43

o yeah?
crunchy crap and mushy pee

Hanimon | 0

#2114379 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:31

nah, not really, 49 lolol

By EmVee | 0

#2111625 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:18

That truly grossed me out - and I don't *ever* get grossed out ><

Lizza330 | 28

#2111642 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:20

Same here. D:

yuggi1 | 11

#2111718 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 19:54

Her/his lungs are just fine, it's that darn cockroach, looking for a place to lay its eggs no doubt, that has her asphyxiating.
I saw this show about how hissing cockroaches lay eggs and EWWWW- absolutely disgusting!