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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 07/06/2017 21:00 - Italy

Spicy

Today, at the request of my girlfriend, I took a ruler with me into the shower to measure myself. Later on, at the dinner table, my mom asked me, "so, how big is it?" I had forgotten to take the ruler out of the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 338

You deserved it 5 650

By theJoblessArchaeologist - 13/04/2017 05:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, as it has done in the last couple of years, my dream job has only been accepting applications from students continuing their degree in the fall. Literally, people with half degrees can get what I can't get with a full degree and experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 336

You deserved it 328

By Anonymous - 21/10/2017 05:00 - Denmark - Viborg

Today, a friend sent me a video of my boyfriend of 2.5 years and the girl I "shouldn't be worried about" on a date at the restaurant he claimed he hated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 335

You deserved it 273

By Iamlonesometonight - 26/03/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 334

You deserved it 344

By khlonnae - 21/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 334

You deserved it 570

By Tickdick - 24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 333

You deserved it 562

By Anonymous - 12/04/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 1 054

By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 293

By Jason - 31/10/2017 04:00

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 330

You deserved it 273

By Havinci - 22/08/2017 20:00 - Egypt

Today, I took a picture of a carrot that closely resembled a penis and sent it to one of my friends. My parents saw the photo and grounded me, thinking it was an actual dick pic. They refuse to believe otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 330

You deserved it 931

By Munch - 12/09/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 328

You deserved it 909

ur mom gay

By Anonymous - 02/05/2018 01:30

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 328

You deserved it 739

Summer vibes

By milksquad - 17/07/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 327

You deserved it 348

Reach

By shortarse - 13/06/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 325

You deserved it 768

Thanks, I hate it

By Candy_Crushed - 08/09/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 324

You deserved it 349

April Fool

By larry_richard - 04/04/2018 18:00 - United States

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 320

You deserved it 740

By Cress - 11/02/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 320

You deserved it 2 010

Behave!

By Anonymous - 06/08/2018 00:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 319

You deserved it 1 149

Mommy Goes Commando

By Anonymous - 03/08/2017 13:00

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 319

You deserved it 2 841

By Canadagirl - 24/08/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 318

You deserved it 322

Smoking hot dude

By Anonymous - 05/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I'm a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That lead on to part two of my confession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 317

You deserved it 730

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 315

You deserved it 297

By finalyearsofhate - 13/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 314

You deserved it 566

By PhoenixChick - 24/05/2017 10:33

Today, just like when I interviewed for the job, I know nothing about graphic design and I'm not interested in sales. I've just found out that my "project management" job I was hired for now has the job title "Graphic Sales." They changed it after I started 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 312

You deserved it 394

PhoenixChick tells us more.

PhoenixChick 26

Tuesday 23 May 2017 21:50

OP here- the hilarious thing about them changing the job is that the new "Graphic Sales" job involved being the customer service desk for any customer having problems with their graphics files. There are two full time graphic designers, but they decided the gal who was hired to "make sure production is kept on track" is the one who should answer every single question regarding graphics and deisgn for all current and potential customers. To make things more fun, today I found out that the former owner of the company (and the current owner's dad) has serious age-related memory problems and forgets that he isn't stll the boss. He will show up and start yelling at you and telling you what to do and demanding things. Employees are told to placate him, and try to distraxt him as quickly as possible. But don't do anything to hurt his feelings.

Bad hair day

By Kyrstin Budd - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 311

You deserved it 624

So clever. Wow.

By Tree - 02/02/2018 19:00

Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 311

You deserved it 741

By Anonymous - 01/11/2017 04:00

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 309

You deserved it 319

By izzy - 15/05/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 309

You deserved it 467

By Lightlysalted - 19/04/2018 19:00

Today, I was invited to a special meal for receiving a scholarship from my college. My mom refuses to take me because “your sister’s going there too and didn’t get a scholarship; it wouldn’t be fair to her.” I guess fairness doesn’t apply to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 240

By ToothHurtyAM - 18/10/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 306

You deserved it 891

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Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 784

You deserved it 7 808

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 914

You deserved it 1 965

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 557

You deserved it 8 008

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 722

You deserved it 4 617

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 978

You deserved it 2 023

Today, I had lower lumbar back surgery. I'm in horrible pain, my kids are wedged up my butt even though my husband is home, and I've heard nothing from friends or family, not even a check-in to see how it went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 169