Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML
Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML
Today, I had my last assessment for my university degree in the form of an interview at 11am. Without doing this interview, I can't graduate. The interviewer was a no show. FML
Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
Today, I got a stern talking-to from the police about threatening and harassing people. Who had called them? None other than my stalker, whom I'd just informed about the restraining order I was filing against him after finding him in my house. For the second time. FML
Today, the city finally turned the water on to my new home after waiting for 2 months. This is how I found out that someone had stolen the copper water pipes from under my house. FML
Chelsea Schattner tells us more.
My first published fml! Hey everyone a little back story. The copper pipes where in the crawl space under the house. Easily accessible to everyone. The house sat empty for 9 years and was built in the 1940's with very little updates. I am remodeling it and thankfully there is home owners insurance on it. I am still out a chunk of money but not as much. The water was only on for a few minutes. The city turned it on and I opened the sink valve to no water. I could hear it but had no water. I crawled under the house and found the main cut off flush to the ground and all the copper gone. We turned off the water and called the cops and insurance. Damage total: $3,500.00
Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML
Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML
Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put him outside. Unhappy with the situation, he leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile-vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML
Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML
Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML
Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML
Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML
Today, at work, I was tasked with cleaning up a small AC flood. I saw that water was still dripping from the overhead AC as it was frozen over, so I asked the resident for a bowl to catch the water after I'm done extracting the water from the carpet. She handed me a colander. FML
Tarlachia tells us more.
Tarlachia 33
Yay! My second published FML! Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if the woman was running on all cylinders. Nevertheless, it's worthy of a good laugh, enough to the point of straining my sides from laughing so hard. It made my day. Love the puns, y'all. Don't let 'em fall through the holes of life!
Today, during my annual performance evaluation, my boss responded to my career goal with, "Pfft! That ain't gonna happen." FML
Today, I was on a bus traveling from Denver to San Francisco with my boyfriend. We hoping to see some amazing sights and escape from stress. However, the bus breaking down in the middle of the desert and being forced to stay in a ratty motel was neither an amazing sight, nor stress relieving. FML
Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML
Today, my boss thanked me for all my hard work and promised me a raise and a promotion. Shortly thereafter, she sent out a memo announcing she'd sold the company. The new owner immediately came in to "restructure." I got demoted. FML
Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML
Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML
Today, I got a text from my cousin saying that he's gay. I was thrilled and told him that I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML
Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML
Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML
Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML
Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel, in the rain, in formerly waterproof boots. FML
Today, I went out to a club with a friend who got her wallet stolen. Wanting to help her look for it, I left my purse with a different friend while I went back inside to look. She put my purse on the floor and it got stolen as well. FML
Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML
Today, for the second time in a year, I am a victim of bank fraud. All my money was in there, and I move today. FML
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