Kids and School: Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 11

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 745

11/02/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 229

You deserved it 1 969

BO Central

Walk the line

And today, on Dr Phil…

17/07/2011 07:00

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 837

You deserved it 3 288

24/10/2012 01:19

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 756

You deserved it 3 067

07/04/2017 04:00

Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 503

You deserved it 660

03/06/2015 01:34

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 343

You deserved it 4 310

Panic!

By Bleach dat Blood - 20/07/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 043

You deserved it 3 781

Dumpy baby

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 18:00

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 141

The other stage of grief

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 05:03

Spicy

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 478

03/11/2013 09:57

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 693

You deserved it 5 708

Smells like…

By makin bacon - 08/11/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 057

You deserved it 402

28/08/2011 20:10

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 140

You deserved it 8 151

Home Improvement

By coius - 29/11/2020 01:03

Today, our washing machine broke and dumped around 100 gallons onto the floor. My dad had installed crappy water valves and we couldn’t turn off the water. I called my dad and he accused me of lying. His “repairs” have now caused 5 major disasters in our home due to his shoddy and cheap work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 252

28/04/2013 23:40

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 192

You deserved it 38 822

25/10/2009 15:44

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 509

You deserved it 5 610

23/07/2014 04:09

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 7 336

03/10/2013 03:46

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 521

You deserved it 7 835

01/01/2011 05:19

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 160

You deserved it 3 678

07/04/2013 17:01

Today, my sister was faced with the choice of getting a burger, or picking me up in a snowstorm. The burger won, and I had to travel 4km home by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 941

You deserved it 2 875

Security check

By Kammy - 01/03/2009 23:38

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no liquids rule. They took out a bottle of massage oil, lube, Vagisil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 785

You deserved it 70 308

02/05/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 778

You deserved it 730

16/12/2009 12:09

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 476

You deserved it 3 815

14/03/2011 17:22

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 170

You deserved it 3 440

07/04/2014 17:43

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 612

You deserved it 13 438

08/08/2014 21:05

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 722

You deserved it 8 622

18/11/2009 21:11

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 916

You deserved it 51 083

09/07/2017 18:30

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 986

You deserved it 413

19/06/2014 05:28

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 654

You deserved it 4 826

25/07/2009 22:22

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 997

You deserved it 27 677

06/06/2017 00:00

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 269

You deserved it 1 068

Ghost Shoes

By Fuckedupmom - 23/08/2018 13:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 717

You deserved it 204

07/08/2015 15:16

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 580

You deserved it 5 765

06/04/2011 06:19

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 595

You deserved it 36 880

23/09/2015 08:51

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 077

You deserved it 1 879

25/07/2009 00:55

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 353

You deserved it 14 940

01/06/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 312

05/10/2013 17:51

Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 033

You deserved it 4 300

06/10/2018 17:30

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 751

You deserved it 306

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

By nurse4life - 18/02/2017 20:00

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 775

You deserved it 483

10/07/2009 09:21

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 768

You deserved it 4 512

Taking liberties

By Bernie - 07/09/2021 14:01

Today, my live-in mother-in-law gave away the family dog because it’s "one less mouth to feed." Last week, she "accidentally" threw away the mail, thinking it was junk mail. No matter how hard I try to convince my wife to kick her out, she tells me, "But that’s my mother, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 250

You deserved it 136

24/01/2011 22:47

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 632

You deserved it 13 629

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:05

Oh come on, it's YOUR birthday. You should be able to ask for whatever you want.

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Sunday 11 February 2018 19:31

I'm gonna guess it took a full four episodes for him to give you that response.

Comments

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Sunday 11 February 2018 19:31

I'm gonna guess it took a full four episodes for him to give you that response.

DraftHail614 17

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Sunday 11 February 2018 19:49

Nerd level over 9,000.

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:05

Oh come on, it's YOUR birthday. You should be able to ask for whatever you want.

Saffron Nightshade 12

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Monday 12 February 2018 15:01

Yes, and he asked! Don't ask if you don't really want to know!

EarthsMightiestHeroes 20

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:14

I feel your pain, I'm a Captain America fan and every time my mom asks me what I want for Christmas or my birthday, and I say I want something Cap related, she tells me she's gonna buy me jewelry or something more "girly" instead. I don't know why, a $12 action figure would bring me much more happiness than a $600 ring I'll never wear. :/

Rabite 28

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Tuesday 13 February 2018 16:10

Superheroes are for boys, you know!! I hate those gendered gifts. I always get asked if my boyfriend bought me some nice jewelry or perfume for my birthday. Well if he did he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

Darkness_Hate 29

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:25

Well if he change his mind the price for the remasterised and uncensored dvd's is 200€ (roughly $245) on Amazon.

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:27

Ask for a better father.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:39

What’s wrong with you? You should have asked for sex toys and weed. That’s normal!

almost_there44 26

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Monday 12 February 2018 6:03

What child tells their parents they want a sex toy for their birthday? Even as a "joke" this was pretty disturbing.

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 12 February 2018 17:15

I doubt the OP was a child. Dragon Ball Z would be pretty normal for a child. It'd be weird for a grown child to want that.

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Wednesday 15 August 2018 19:24

I really don't see any issue with adults watching TV shows they enjoyed when they were younger, as long as they don't let it become an unhealthy obsession where they lose touch with reality or it starts to interfere with important responsibilities. This whole mentality that you have to stop doing certain activities (such as watching cartoons or playing video games) when you grow up is complete bullshit.

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:50

I asked for the death note manga set and ended up buying it for myself for this very reason. Spoil yourself it’s your birthday!

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 11 February 2018 20:51

When I want something like that, I just ask for the cash, and buy it myself. Parents like you for appreciating the gift, and you like them for helping you get your game on. Oh wait, wrong anime.

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Sunday 11 February 2018 21:08

Nice reference.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Sunday 11 February 2018 21:26

You do realize that costs over 9000...