Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML
Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML
Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML
Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML
Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML
Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML
Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML
Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML
Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML
Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML
Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML
Today, I decided to act on my therapist's advice and ask my crush out. She turned me down because I'm apparently too much of a downer. The reason I have a therapist is because I'm depressed. FML
Bleiz_fml tells us more.
Bleiz_fml 18
I just want to say thank you for all of the love and such. Just getting y FML published made me excited a little! And to all the people saying that the girl is "not worth it" and stuff like that, we are still good friends and I get where she was coming from. Like multiple people have said, dating someone that has a mental disorder can be tough (especially if said person has multiple, such as ADD and an anxiety disorder I forgot the name to). Anyways thanks for the support and all..
Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML
Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML
Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML
Today, I have a Bachelors of Science at a top university and got denied by Chipotle for a part-time job. FML
ladams94 tells us more.
ladams94 12
It wasn't a science degree... Just called a Bachelors of Science. I have food cooking experience as well as customer service experience but thanks for your input. Bye.
Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML
Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML
Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML
Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML
Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML
Today, my new upstairs neighbours sent away a package, telling the delivery guy that the person doesn't live there anymore. The package is a birthday present from my mother in-law, and it's been sent back twice now, even after talking to them and leaving a letter for them with my name on it. FML
kingdomgirl94 tells us more.
Hey everyone, Op here. I live in the basement apartment, with a side door entrance. The problem is that my side door opens directly into an alley, so all packages and mail are brought to the front door. If I knew who was delivering it, it wouldn't be an issue, but it's direct order from build-a-bear (I was finally told what it was after the second time it got sent back) and we don't know who they're using to deliver. I wish that it was going back to my mother in law, but what's even worse is that it keeps getting sent back to the build-a-bear thing in Ohio (I'm in Ontario). The delivery company, thinking that the recipient has moved, doesn't even hold the package or leave a note for pickup, they immediately send it back. I don't think the new neighbours are even doing it to be malicious, I think they're just dumb. It's like six guys just out of residence (this is a university town, I'm a student too) and everytime I've spoken to them I get a deer-in-headlights look. Either way it's super annoying. I really like the suggestion of leaving a note telling the delivery guy that the upstairs neighbours are idiots and that I do in fact live there. Really made me laugh! Here's hoping I get it soon!
Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML
Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML
Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML
Today, my mom hasn't talked to me for 5 days, so, worried sick, I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML
Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML
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