Miscellaneous: Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the... - FML

By me - 25/01/2012 03:40 - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 009

You deserved it 30 246

Great parenting, mom

Stomach bug?

Good boy

Falling Down

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 02:12

Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 122

By ewwww - 27/04/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 123

You deserved it 4 251

Whack-a-Mole

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 02:01

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 430

You deserved it 262

By Coeurdencre - 06/06/2016 03:33

Today, my best friend, who reckons I'm doing a terrible job at finding a boyfriend, has started giving out my number to all the men she thinks "look trustworthy" in the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 486

You deserved it 890

By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 810

You deserved it 8 745

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 236

You deserved it 9 012

By Anonymous - 08/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 418

You deserved it 7 102

By J - 07/02/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 6 857

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

By Davey Crocker - 23/04/2020 08:00

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 506

You deserved it 170

By Egtat216 - 29/07/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 337

You deserved it 1 455

By southernluxe - 04/09/2011 09:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 809

You deserved it 10 580

By mafiaguy800 - 27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 126

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 374

You deserved it 10 539

By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 333

You deserved it 3 278

By gross - 15/07/2016 03:06 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 602

You deserved it 1 385

By Anonymous - 06/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 329

You deserved it 5 354

By daughter - 18/09/2012 04:25 - Sweden - Vårgårda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 289

Biker

By scottskidee - 12/04/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 490

You deserved it 24 994

Huge fan of his work

By [email protected] - 25/02/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home, so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes, I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years, until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 148

You deserved it 4 343

By lumi - 24/06/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 118

You deserved it 5 489

Weaponised chocolate

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 04:46 - Australia

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently, somebody saw me. I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 063

You deserved it 28 109

By RyanM - 13/02/2011 09:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 940

You deserved it 64 551

By DeepFriedLettuce - 29/04/2016 01:33 - United States - Vashon

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 384

You deserved it 1 504

By Joe - 04/08/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 784

You deserved it 125 879

By stuck - 12/06/2016 05:59 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 098

You deserved it 4 313

By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 255

You deserved it 2 732

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:02

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 279

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 06:00

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 264

By Lukev7 - 12/09/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 900

You deserved it 5 567

I'm looking through you

By lesler - 20/07/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, my bartender noticed my new haircut before my live-in boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 173

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 870

You deserved it 8 423

By mhmm... cumsquats - 09/02/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 807

You deserved it 60 426

By disappointment - 05/06/2018 15:00

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 186

You deserved it 236

By astalkerindeed - 16/05/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 407

You deserved it 6 437

By Jesstanothergurl - 18/07/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 590

You deserved it 866

Taking liberties

By Bernie - 07/09/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, my live-in mother-in-law gave away the family dog because it’s "one less mouth to feed." Last week, she "accidentally" threw away the mail, thinking it was junk mail. No matter how hard I try to convince my wife to kick her out, she tells me, "But that’s my mother, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 268

You deserved it 136

By sendhelp - 03/08/2015 05:31 - United States - Provo

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 534

You deserved it 2 429

Dine and dash

By talkomatic713 - 18/07/2021 09:58

Today, some friends and I went to IHOP. We joked about not having enough money, and as it turns out we were $5 short. We put down what we had and left. Upon getting to the car, I realized I'd forgotten my phone, and had to go back. I made eye contact with our waitress, our money in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 2 529

By leahrb - 24/02/2016 18:55 - United States - Wilmington

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 277

You deserved it 1 874

By Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 748

You deserved it 6 312

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Top comments

HaloR 0

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:03

Brain fart,i had like 20 today bad stuff

jerseyboy732 16

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:06

I'm sorry op. In cases where someone we know dies our body can get very stressed and cause us to say/do things that really don't make sense... sorry for your loss

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HaloR 0

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:03

Brain fart,i had like 20 today bad stuff

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:44

Your head must be super stinky!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 14:30

Take moment with twix. Problem solved.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Thursday 26 January 2012 1:39

I tried that twix thing... I almost died in a car accident...

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Saturday 28 January 2012 9:49

Just wipe your brain with some clorox (sp?)

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:04

Geez people. The guy only made a mistake. OP, this is neither a YDI or FML . It's more of an awkward moment. I am sure the woman isn't mad at you.

jerseyboy732 16

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:06

I'm sorry op. In cases where someone we know dies our body can get very stressed and cause us to say/do things that really don't make sense... sorry for your loss

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 16:05

Don't worry OP, I'm sure she didn't think anything of it. That's a really common thing for people to say.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 17:49

Did someone die?

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:06

Why attend a random elderly persons funeral

porcelainkisses 5

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:14

Where does it say it was a random?

rahrah765765 11

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:15

They never said random...

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:17

#4, because OP is a funeral crasher, duh.

ClassyCommando 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:17

To troll the wife of the deceased, of course. Oh, and I see you've ditched the fake Sonny Bill Williams picture (can't fool a Kiwi), I'm proud of you, Marinus.

rahrah765765 11

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:18

#7 you posted your comment just a fraction faster than me! Now I look like I'm having a go at you lol

rubberduckie94 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 15:55

Op simply says "an elderly mans funeral". So I can understand the joke 4 made. It sounds like he is a funeral crasher. Without the specification of great uncle, neighbor, grandparents friends ect. It seems they were just strolling along and decided to go to the funeral.

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Friday 27 January 2012 0:16

Funeral need alter servers

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:09

thank you OP, for posting this FML. and bravo for going to his funeral, that's highly respectful, and funerals are really depressing and you endured it anyways. you just said elderly man so i don't know if you were close to him or not

Mister_Triangle 21

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Thursday 26 January 2012 7:23

No, Pentium, thank you.

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Friday 27 January 2012 5:35

U know what ur twins with the guy on house of Anubis nenas boyfriend

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Friday 27 January 2012 5:35

U know what ur twins with the guy on house of Anubis nenas boyfriend

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:15

I bet she just looked at you like What the...? lol How did you recover from that?

hardonforjesus 10

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 10:31

See 6

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:17

Damn troll brain!!!

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:18

Classic case of foot in mouth syndrome. I'm prescribing you a full dose of thinkbeforeyouspeak.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:42

Things like "No, thank you" are usually instinctive

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:45

So you would instinctively say, "No, thank you ." If asked if you want wanted to go eat some dog shit? No. You should always think about what you're saying, and this story is a prime example.

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Thursday 26 January 2012 5:18

Nah, I'd get a spoon.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:19

Terrific recovery there #6, OP needs to step their game up!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:38

You are an idiot!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 10:10

They had good intentions

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 11:22

And your nice (sarcasm)

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 15:04

My nice? Is it showing?

Squeaky_Tomato 14

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:20

Hehe 33. That is along the lines of what I say when people use the wrong word.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 22:18

And you're old..

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 23:46

And your and old fart

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 10

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 2 136

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 192