Health: Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything...

By throwinguptears - 02/11/2016 14:30 - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 959

You deserved it 1 266

Health

Our house, in the middle of our street

Mama's boy

Classic brain fart

By batter--up - 17/02/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 430

You deserved it 2 676

By ~~~~ - 27/05/2016 18:45 - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 342

You deserved it 6 015

By Bridget - 06/05/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 202

You deserved it 7 127

By LockedOut - 25/07/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 14 942

Creeped out

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 14:06

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 127

New movie

By msamberjade - 30/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 234

Breeders

By Anonymous - 12/07/2015 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 499

You deserved it 1 928

OK Mrs Miyagi

By poor kid - 17/08/2021 10:59 - United States

Today, I had to ban a mom from practice, which sadly meant the kid had to leave too. Several times the mom had been loud, disruptive and even rushed onto the mat because I wasn’t teaching her son the "right way". I’m a third degree black belt and I teach 5-6 year olds on my days off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 65

By Anonymous - 10/07/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 028

You deserved it 5 666

By em - 05/02/2011 09:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 197

You deserved it 5 890

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 491

You deserved it 8 458

By Anonymous - 16/02/2016 14:56 - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 842

You deserved it 1 715

By Anonymous - 31/01/2014 22:08 - United States - Blue Earth

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 348

You deserved it 9 039

By Anonymous - 09/06/2013 16:50 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 654

You deserved it 5 504

By WellOops - 18/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 9 392

By ticked - 06/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 530

You deserved it 47 907

By Good choice cat - 24/02/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 630

You deserved it 4 498

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 248

You deserved it 5 564

By probablydodgedabullet - 08/11/2013 11:30 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 775

You deserved it 4 637

No rest for the wicked

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 02:00

Today, our youngest daughter bought her first house and moved out, meaning all three of our kids are now gone, so we can relax and gracefully grow old together, right? Nope. Barely an hour later, my wife showed me a positive pregnancy test. In nine months we have to start all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 340

You deserved it 842

By Sad bitch - 18/06/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 452

You deserved it 677

By LoveStinks - 18/08/2016 10:56

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 146

You deserved it 2 536

By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 183

You deserved it 443

By dickhead - 10/04/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 098

You deserved it 3 376

Gullible's travels

By mikay1413 - 08/10/2019 20:00

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 386

You can talk to us

By Lonely Loser - 27/07/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, I started self-harming again. My therapist keeps switching the subject when I try to bring it up, and my best friend has called me attention-seeking and selfish so many times in the past year that I’m too scared to ask for her support. I have nobody else to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 235

You deserved it 232

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 04:07 - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 383

You deserved it 54 707

By raspberrysachere - 03/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 214

By Anonymous - 25/03/2014 21:53 - United States - Springboro

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 418

You deserved it 3 830

By CatLover<3 - 18/06/2013 23:27 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 453

You deserved it 21 884

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 946

You deserved it 182

By Beanzbeanz - 09/07/2011 15:19 - Canada

Today, is the 6 month anniversary of my boyfriend and I. Turns out next month he will be celebrating the 3 year anniversary of him and his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 960

You deserved it 10 482

Polly wants it

By Kelly - 23/07/2020 02:01

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 317

You deserved it 159

By fizzie101 - 18/10/2014 21:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 379

You deserved it 4 668

By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 123

You deserved it 181

Dating sucks

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 19:59

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 333

By notsohappyniece - 02/11/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 834

You deserved it 3 757

By JoLaFritte - 07/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 935

You deserved it 50 328

Never cross the streams

By caughttt - 10/02/2010 02:52 - United States

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 228

You deserved it 43 500

By Anonymous - 21/01/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 516

You deserved it 8 495

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Top comments

icefly 3

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:06

Gotta tell us who the comedian is, OP.

chudun 18

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:18

Where's the punchline to this FML?

icefly 3

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:06

Gotta tell us who the comedian is, OP.

TheHeirofTime 19

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:19

Chris Hardwick.

TheHeirofTime 19

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 20:51

OP here: Chris Hardwick. Don't know why the first reply didn't say I was the OP.

writerchic85 25

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Thursday 3 November 2016 1:07

Should have gone with the flu anyway. Say you were "the walking dead"

species4872 19

Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:07

Guess the jokes on you.

friedpwnadge 25

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:12

The flu is definitely no laughing matter.

Nina825 21

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:17

Ouchhh

chudun 18

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:18

Where's the punchline to this FML?

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:19

Over there, next to the sandwiches.

J352SAURUS 30

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Thursday 3 November 2016 4:46

He was so sick that he was throwing up tears.

chudun 18

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Tuesday 13 December 2016 22:37

Omg Welshite, you're an OG!! blessed to have you reply to my comment!

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 19:39

Maybe he'll talk to you from the stage. He'll probably crack everyone up making fun of your vomit bucket. Laughter is the best medicine.

Moskaaa7 26

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 20:02

I wonder how you made sure everything was perfect.

eknock 9

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 20:14

I'd still go, cause I'm the sick Oprah. ?. you get flu, you get flu, everybody gets flu

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Thursday 3 November 2016 3:00

Look under your seats and you'll find an envelope. Open it and you've got anthrax!

ClairvoyantVamp 19

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 20:15

The universe has an odd sense of humor.

dudebmxer 12

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Wednesday 2 November 2016 20:37

Who's the comedian OP?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 136

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 87

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