Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow...

By meegs - 17/10/2010 00:31 - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

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Miscellaneous

Running commentary

British Broadcasting Corporation

Hello everyone!

By Jeff - 2/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

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1524

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2013 21:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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63317

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 17:16 - Australia

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

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28814

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By Aaron - 1/12/2011 22:00

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37368

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 16:19 - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

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28096

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 06:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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45361

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

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22150

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Park City

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3975

You deserved it

384

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By anon - 3/2/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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17752

You deserved it

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By seeking new employment - 7/1/2016 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20679

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 07:42 - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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29173

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By m?? - 10/10/2019 04:00

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1526

You deserved it

398

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1077

You deserved it

222

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By sunshine - 29/6/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3758

You deserved it

878

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By aeghw1s - 9/6/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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37913

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36336

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

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34975

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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36050

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By Joseph - 27/2/2016 02:52 - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21127

You deserved it

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By Olive - 19/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

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8306

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40473

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By Xero_316 - 5/11/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36493

You deserved it

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By goodbyeadulthood - 9/9/2019 06:00

Millennial Life

Today, my parents told me that from now on I have to share a room with my 9-year-old sister. She already called top bunk. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1425

You deserved it

538

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By no, oh god no - 8/9/2018 14:30

Babe, I am your father.

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

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2684

You deserved it

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By Dr.Anonymous - 22/3/2014 11:56 - India - Mumbai

Today, I was treating a patient at the hospital where I'm a dentist. This particular gentleman was old and slightly deaf. After completing the procedure I gestured to the spitoon and asked him to spit. He got up, steadied himself, and spat straight in my face. FML

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41227

You deserved it

3753

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By chelle - 1/5/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

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97599

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By Username - 16/4/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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13139

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By Lana - 20/7/2010 12:43 - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12809

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2014 00:55 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47218

You deserved it

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By trainE - 30/3/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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22270

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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22553

You deserved it

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By fearofzombies - 13/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50175

You deserved it

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By SBCR - 7/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35088

You deserved it

2903

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By DC - 8/2/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

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69553

You deserved it

8582

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 14:00

Epitaph

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

960

You deserved it

1235

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By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3515

You deserved it

190

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By Jessica - 19/10/2012 01:57 - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25019

You deserved it

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By but I tried anal and everything - 22/11/2012 16:13 - United States - Des Moines

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

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33655

You deserved it

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By tj - 26/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to confront my boyfriend after finding a girl's phone number next to my bed. He said I was over reacting. When I told him it was over, he asked for the number back so he could call her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34467

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 15:17 - Denmark

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML

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39777

You deserved it

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By stupid useless criminal - 21/11/2017 19:00

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

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5407

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Top comments

By solecism | 0

#1560061 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:21

well if the dress fits..

By mintcar | 9

#1560069 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:22

Wow, says a lot about you, huh?

Comments

By solecism | 0

#1560061 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:21

well if the dress fits..

mintcar | 9

#1560236 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:05

You're trying a little too hard "Jamal."

xFalzz | 0

#1560239 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:06

Very wise advice there, Jamal.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1561012 - Sunday 17 October 2010 15:26

I've said the same thing about "Jamal". I don't think he's really a "black guy". He's just trying too hard to fill a stereotype.

xBangOut | 4

#1561490 - Sunday 17 October 2010 17:36

He is an obvious troll, can't believe you are still discussing it. Don't feed the troll, dumb asses

FantasticFin | 0

#1565366 - Monday 18 October 2010 14:31

your picture gives me nightmares:s

By yosho123 | 0

#1560065 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:22

Your a prostitue x0 !! how much was last night ;]

danab_fml | 0

#1560858 - Sunday 17 October 2010 14:35

ur parents deserve it for letting ur sis dress as a prostitute. Ydi for having a prostitute dress.

beastmcbeastly | 0

#1560981 - Sunday 17 October 2010 15:16

wats rong wit prostitute costumes?

x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0

#1561542 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:55

They are a bit overused nowadays.

By mintcar | 9

#1560069 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:22

Wow, says a lot about you, huh?

metal8214 | 0

#1560145 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:45

why are you covered in pubes???

mintcar | 9

#1560160 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:47

I'm not even going to bother myself with this one. ^

metal8214 | 0

#1560170 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:49

lol

IAreStarfeesh | 0

#1560652 - Sunday 17 October 2010 13:06

Because pubes are the 'thing' nowadays. All the cooo kids want pubes all over :D. I myself don't think she looks like she has pubes on her head.

FantasticFin | 0

#1565376 - Monday 18 October 2010 14:33

number 25, why are you so ugly?

SadinSherman | 16

#1577353 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 15:57

Number 120,Why are you so rude?

lgs25 | 0

#1585556 - Friday 22 October 2010 11:22

I don't think she's ugly

nhlnba2 | 6

#2988738 - Thursday 28 July 2011 20:37

Number 120, stop being a bitch.

MustacheChildren | 0

#4240175 - Saturday 31 March 2012 7:14

Number 120, why are you such a dip shit?

By FFML_314 | 11

#1560071 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:23

Good news is, she can use her earnings to buy a more conservative wardrobe and you can borrow her clothes. ;)

By Hollisss | 0

#1560073 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

brennboo | 3

#1560106 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:36

it wasn't a prostitute costume- it was OP's favorite dress which makes it an FML

Hollisss | 0

#1560108 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:39

If it can be mistaken for a prostitute outfit it's close enough.

metal8214 | 0

#1560157 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:47

anything can, like looking like #4 (without offense)

Hollisss | 0

#1560181 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:51

You're gonna get spanked for that.

By pyro119 | 0

#1560077 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:25

That's not even that FML worthy, you just dress like a slut apparently.

surefirewinners | 0

#1560118 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:42

I co-sign.

If it affects you that much OP, change your wardrobe.

msj723 | 0

#2404517 - Monday 25 April 2011 21:57

poopy

By knibbsy | 4

#1560080 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:28

Good job, OP, you've officially earned my respect. Dressing like a whore and not realizing it - that's my kind of woman. You're probably dumb enough to get in my candy van as well. At least I hope. I LOVE HOOKERS.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560090 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:31

I knew it!

knibbsy | 4

#1560100 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:34

You got that right.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560150 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:46

How much do you love hookers?

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1560163 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:48

as much as my monkey does, right?

knibbsy | 4

#1560175 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:51

Enough to not care about the herpes. I love tying them up.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560194 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:56

I'm afraid to go any further with this conversation.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560227 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:04

I don't want it to stop! This is some funny shit!(:

knibbsy | 4

#1560255 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:13

It's just a schizophrenic talking to herself. I've been had. HAD. I enjoyed it though.

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1560263 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:15

my uncle is a skitzo.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560294 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:27

WTF is a skitzo?

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560306 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:30

Sounds like a type of candy.

EvilDoll | 7

#1560318 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:37

if I say it's a type of candy will you get into my van?
you know, for... candy

knibbsy | 4

#1560342 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:47

Screw off, 44, I'm the only one allowed to advertise the van around here. I've got dibs.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560352 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:51

You got "Dibs"? So now you're an ice cream van too!

FFML_314 | 11

#1560357 - Sunday 17 October 2010 10:56

HAHA! Q, that was seriously hilarious.
I will only get into knibbsy's van and that's because he has pretty hair.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560360 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:01

All depends on the flavor he has. Not in the mood for anything salty or with nuts.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560369 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:13

*Puts buster bar in purse*

Well, how about a klondike bar!

FFML_314 | 11

#1560378 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:16

Pineapple is the key to my heart.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560383 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:19

So you have a van as well?

Pineapple?
*smirking

FFML_314 | 11

#1560389 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:24

I just keep picturing Adam Sandler shoving a pineapple up Hitlers ass.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560394 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:26

I was wondering who 'he is' at first, now I get it. Haha

FFML_314 | 11

#1560400 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:29

HAHAHA! I love you, Q! You make me smile.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560403 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:32

Anna! Believe me, I feel the same way!

FFML_314 | 11

#1560412 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:35

Yes!

FFML_314 | 11

#1560416 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:39

Do you have shrimp?

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560422 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:41

Sounds like you've been to a swinger's club with that type of talk. lol

knibbsy | 4

#1560429 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:46

I need to fetch my rape shoes. I like where this is going.

FFML_314 | 11

#1560439 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:53

BUT, do you have ice skates?

sourgirl101 | 28

#1560445 - Sunday 17 October 2010 11:56

Pendatik is there a hidden story about you and shrimp?

InDenial | 6

#1560451 - Sunday 17 October 2010 12:02

Cooki stole my picture bitch. :D

IAreStarfeesh | 0

#1560670 - Sunday 17 October 2010 13:10

Guy 1"You spent our rent on philipeno hookers!?" Guy 2"They're not hookers! They're massage therapists!" Guy 3 " Yeah they'll massage your cock for five bucks. There's a word for that. I think it's hooker." Guy 1"YOU'RE A HOOKER"