Love: Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor.... - FML

By hahatofunny - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Falling Down

Some winners…

By Nemo

Today, I got an e-mail from a company saying that I would not be a good fit for them. Strangely, it's quite similar to an e-mail they sent me last month. And the month before. They aren't generated e-mails, each one is different. They just e-mail me every month to remind me that I suck. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

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By BadtoWorse - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

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By gera3gera - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

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By -_- - United Kingdom

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I was giving my friend a crash course in Star Wars over coffee. As I was telling him about the primitive and savage Sand People, some attention-seeking tit came out of nowhere and called me racist. Apparently she thought I was talking about people from the Middle East. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

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By Softball - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By catt - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By Dangling - United States - Lizella

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

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By Max

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By Unappreciated Grandchild - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

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By WhyDoINeedAName - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By blondebarbie271 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

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By Marona - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML

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By Foreveralone

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

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By brenami - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By so much for a good day - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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By MarBlu - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By now have a cat - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

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By Flip - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By burr415 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 11:01

Deception

Today, I found out that my husband, who was supposed to be in PA school, dropped out 6 and a half years ago and never even received his bachelor's. He started lying to me before we were even a year into dating. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By me - Canada - Debert

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike with no training wheels. After comforting her and assuring her that she'd be fine, I gave her a big push. She fell forward over the handlebars and scraped her chin on the front wheel. FML

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By Eet- - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6697855 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:07

Well you're going to the gym for a reason...I'm sure the bigger biceps will come with time. A better personality for her probably will never come.

By everydayGalaXy | 11

#6697850 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:03

If not having big biceps is the reason for her to say no to a date then move on. No big loss there.

COMMENTS

By everydayGalaXy | 11

#6697850 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:03

If not having big biceps is the reason for her to say no to a date then move on. No big loss there.

By GrinchFu1 | 27

#6697851 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:05

Is there a gym where people can go to work on their tact? No? There should be. Dodged a bullet on that one though... Shallow people will nitpick you to the point where you actually believe there's something wrong with yourself. You're good. Screw her.

By FMLUser404 | 4

#6697853 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:06

Sounds like a bit of a prick, but she also was saying that she didnt find you attractive. so im split 50/50

By WCARlover | 34

#6697855 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:07

Well you're going to the gym for a reason...I'm sure the bigger biceps will come with time. A better personality for her probably will never come.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697859 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:14

He should have nut up or shut up. Some people should just say no and not volunteer unsolicited criticisms.

Reply

writerchic85 | 25

#6698051 - Sunday 2 October 2016 12:33

He asked her out. How is that inviting criticism? She should have just said no thanks.

Reply

shadypalmtree | 20

#6698235 - Sunday 2 October 2016 20:35

I'm pretty sure that was a typo. It was supposed to be "She", not "He".

By BestOrginalName | 22

#6697860 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:15

Her loss, OP
Her true colors shine brighter than a unicorn's shit.
At least you found out now, rather than later in your (potentially) committed relationship.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#6697862 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:23

Sorry things didn't workout.

By nigeriangirl | 13

#6697864 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:28

What a tactless way to speak. Sorry op.

By PaolaBlack | 7

#6697866 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:31

I completely understand if she didn't find you attractive, but there's no need to be rude.

You can always work on your biceps, but even then you don't have to modify your body to impress anyone but yourself.

You'll find the girl that will see past that type of things. (:

By RichardPencil | 30

#6697871 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:43

As she walked away, you shoulda said, "Maybe so, but you've never seen a tumor bigger than my penis!"

When all is lost, a Hail Mary like that just might work!

Reply

latenerd | 11

#6698074 - Sunday 2 October 2016 13:11

I don't know why this is getting down votes, that's a pretty funny response.

Reply

kilobravo | 10

#6698205 - Sunday 2 October 2016 18:42

Yeah I totally agree! That's a hilarious response. :-)