Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor.... - FML

By hahatofunny - 13/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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Creepy

Tense

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 16:17 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By Missyangel - 31/12/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By rr - 15/8/2011 15:55 - Canada

Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By Ima_Moronski - 26/7/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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By HadToApologize - 3/11/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

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By Char - 24/9/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 17:00

Last dates

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

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By rawr - 20/4/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

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By shubididubbitty - 20/2/2016 18:06 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

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By jameen - 7/5/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

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By killme - 7/3/2015 18:42 - United States - Broomfield

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

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By charlie043 - 11/9/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By stubby - 20/1/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - 6/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 10:30 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

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By wellthanks - 10/6/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By taurus05 - 14/11/2009 03:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

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By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

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By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By weneedthatmoneytoliveon - 26/6/2013 14:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

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By vetapplez - 4/4/2009 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - 10/3/2013 18:50 - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By Bridget Jones? - 10/6/2013 13:09 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6697855 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:07

Well you're going to the gym for a reason...I'm sure the bigger biceps will come with time. A better personality for her probably will never come.

By everydayGalaXy | 11

#6697850 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:03

If not having big biceps is the reason for her to say no to a date then move on. No big loss there.

COMMENTS

By everydayGalaXy | 11

#6697850 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:03

If not having big biceps is the reason for her to say no to a date then move on. No big loss there.

By GrinchFu1 | 27

#6697851 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:05

Is there a gym where people can go to work on their tact? No? There should be. Dodged a bullet on that one though... Shallow people will nitpick you to the point where you actually believe there's something wrong with yourself. You're good. Screw her.

By FMLUser404 | 4

#6697853 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:06

Sounds like a bit of a prick, but she also was saying that she didnt find you attractive. so im split 50/50

By WCARlover | 34

#6697855 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:07

Well you're going to the gym for a reason...I'm sure the bigger biceps will come with time. A better personality for her probably will never come.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697859 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:14

He should have nut up or shut up. Some people should just say no and not volunteer unsolicited criticisms.

Reply

writerchic85 | 25

#6698051 - Sunday 2 October 2016 12:33

He asked her out. How is that inviting criticism? She should have just said no thanks.

Reply

shadypalmtree | 20

#6698235 - Sunday 2 October 2016 20:35

I'm pretty sure that was a typo. It was supposed to be "She", not "He".

By BestOrginalName | 22

#6697860 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:15

Her loss, OP
Her true colors shine brighter than a unicorn's shit.
At least you found out now, rather than later in your (potentially) committed relationship.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#6697862 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:23

Sorry things didn't workout.

By nigeriangirl | 13

#6697864 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:28

What a tactless way to speak. Sorry op.

By PaolaBlack | 7

#6697866 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:31

I completely understand if she didn't find you attractive, but there's no need to be rude.

You can always work on your biceps, but even then you don't have to modify your body to impress anyone but yourself.

You'll find the girl that will see past that type of things. (:

By RichardPencil | 28

#6697871 - Sunday 2 October 2016 3:43

As she walked away, you shoulda said, "Maybe so, but you've never seen a tumor bigger than my penis!"

When all is lost, a Hail Mary like that just might work!

Reply

latenerd | 11

#6698074 - Sunday 2 October 2016 13:11

I don't know why this is getting down votes, that's a pretty funny response.

Reply

kilobravo | 10

#6698205 - Sunday 2 October 2016 18:42

Yeah I totally agree! That's a hilarious response. :-)