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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 508

You deserved it 64 330

By ScoozieBooze - 20/12/2012 18:17 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 507

You deserved it 32 417

By Mr_Jah - 04/07/2016 20:33 - United States - Boerne

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 507

You deserved it 2 232

By mista hunna - 08/09/2016 05:31 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 505

You deserved it 1 585

By eebie jeebies - 30/05/2016 15:31 - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 504

You deserved it 3 189

By thissucks - 14/09/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 504

You deserved it 68 005

Sound and vision

By Anonymous - 27/09/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 502

You deserved it 1 038

The bird

By xacked - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was designing a newspaper page with a story about an aggressive female bird that was defending its nest and attacking students near some stairs. In the article were photos of victims who were attacked. We had a good laugh over it. Later, I was walking past there and the bird attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 502

You deserved it 62 114

By ginya - 07/06/2016 01:58 - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 501

You deserved it 1 091

By Modeon123 - 20/10/2016 10:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 500

You deserved it 1 174

By natural selection i guess - 09/12/2016 09:02

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 498

You deserved it 982

Pleased to meet you

By Noname - 16/02/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I went in for my second day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was about the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 498

You deserved it 76 803

By neveragain - 16/03/2012 05:11 - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 496

You deserved it 30 907

By cheeseless - 11/08/2016 20:47 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I sprained my wrist while trying to grate a block of frozen cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 495

You deserved it 3 913

By lostmyfaithinblowjobs - 12/01/2013 02:16 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, during an hour-long drive, my sister told me she's lost her "faith in humanity", because one of her friends bought his 8-year-old son an iPad. She uses this stupid expression all the time, and I got so pissed off that I forgot to brake at a red light, rear-ending the car in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 494

You deserved it 51 850

Make it stop

By kids are meh - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 492

You deserved it 1 471

Bonjour!

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said, "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 492

You deserved it 104 763

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 15:35 - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 490

You deserved it 21 123

WTF dude?

By NotSoCool - 15/05/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed two cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted, asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 488

You deserved it 42 698

By nakedness - 11/12/2011 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 488

You deserved it 32 175

PTSD

By Anonymous - 05/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/surprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 484

You deserved it 45 208

Etymology

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 21:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 1 024

By Mommy - 26/06/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 28 209

By iAMloud - 19/03/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 67 609

Complaint

By Red-cheeked - 18/05/2011 13:08

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 47 640

By squishy - 11/02/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 480

You deserved it 25 620

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 10:55 - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 477

You deserved it 38 105

By Whoops - 28/01/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 477

You deserved it 36 533

Happy something

By Zebracat - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to wish my boyfriend a happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after I'd sent it, I realized that the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 476

You deserved it 56 937

By Anonymous - 22/07/2016 17:17

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 474

You deserved it 816

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The Top

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 571

You deserved it 2 536

Today, I was on my hour long bus ride home with a full bladder. Right as the bus reached my stop, the time I spent holding it in was over. I didn't make it out of the aisle before I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 7 437

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 614

You deserved it 7 487

Today, I spent ages prepping, chopping, bagging and freezing lots of fruits and veggies for my mom. I also bought her a juicer and alkaline water to help combat some of her health issues. I walked into the kitchen to see her mixing her juice with vodka and rum instead of the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 281

Today, I realized my brain has degraded so fucking much when I could only do one math question over the span of 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 185

Today, my roommate let his dog out. Not even five minutes later, she walked into my room and dropped a deuce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 94