Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having... - FML

By MulticoloredSlug - 13/10/2016 10:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 341

You deserved it 1 382

Triage

Not the golden child

Wrong place, wrong time

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 20:03 - United States - Herndon

Today, I learned that my best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for 2 months. This is the same person who, 2 months ago, wanted to break our friendship off because he thought we "got too close" and felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend by spending too much time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 992

You deserved it 236

By shadowmuppet - 31/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 582

You deserved it 548

By Anonymous - 17/02/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 179

You deserved it 2 587

By NotTheMomma - 22/07/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 557

You deserved it 1 899

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/09/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 1 692

By Anonymous - 31/07/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 481

You deserved it 3 727

By unknown - 08/03/2014 00:53 - United States - San Antonio

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 959

You deserved it 28 687

By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 887

You deserved it 5 221

Dominion

By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 282

Sticking together

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 02:01

Today, I was disowned in my family because of the pandemic, after I refused to quit my job and live at my parents house, with them supporting my family, so now no one in my family has acknowledged my existence since August 2020. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 59

By Upset Mommy - 14/07/2013 04:32 - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 869

You deserved it 3 690

No feeling - Just conversation

By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 204

You deserved it 851

By hannamacintosh - 28/06/2016 17:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I knew my relationship was basically over when my boyfriend invited me over, and I was more excited about seeing his dog than seeing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 675

You deserved it 1 564

By tannarox - 28/01/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 718

You deserved it 2 537

By robincakes94 - 29/11/2011 12:42 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 669

You deserved it 6 615

By other woman - 21/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 471

You deserved it 5 338

Burglary [gone sexual]

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 05:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 111

You deserved it 11 817

By Evra - 23/01/2015 07:39 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was asked by a total stranger if I had Tourettes. This is the third time this has happened to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 088

You deserved it 5 568

By Anonymous - 14/07/2016 00:56 - Canada - Concord

Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 118

You deserved it 1 556

Keep up!

By AstralLuna - 05/03/2021 08:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I, a demigirl struggling with her identity, have decided to change my name. When I told my dad in therapy (of all places) that I was a demigirl, he struggled to understand me. When I told my mom I was changing my name, she yelled at me and refused to call me it. And she wonders why I don't trust her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 973

By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/06/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 751

You deserved it 4 529

Lookin' good

By Sleeping Beauty - 19/12/2015 19:20 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 997

You deserved it 3 758

Tis the season…

By naomi3271 - 29/11/2021 03:59 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I went early Xmas shopping for my daughter and almost spent my whole paycheck for the week on her, only to have some asshole grab my bag and run off, stealing all her gifts, all in front of a security guard and store employee, who did nothing to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 91

Not everyone's cup of tea

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 20:00

Today, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend gets progressively more short-tempered and grumpy as time goes on, until we get to the Friday before we drop my kids off at their dad's house, then for that weekend he’s downright happy, until we have to pick them up Sunday night then he starts getting grumpy again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 579

Let 'em in

By I don't know jack - 16/08/2021 04:01 - United States - Canal Winchester

Today, after none of my friends who said they'd be at the Jackbox game night I was hosting showed up on the Zoom call, I heard a knock at the door. All of them thought it was in person at my place, which is a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 767

By stepknee - 14/10/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm, and I live on the 7th floor of my building. They shut the elevators down and I had to walk down 14 flights of steps. I shattered my kneecap last week. They turned the alarm off when I got to the first floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 515

You deserved it 2 157

By mobster - 26/07/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 267

You deserved it 19 630

By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - 26/02/2016 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 683

You deserved it 1 722

By FailedTraveller - 04/07/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 574

You deserved it 339

By Anonymous - 14/01/2012 19:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 165

You deserved it 11 232

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 16:27 - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 084

You deserved it 56 759

Revealed

By PartyPoop - 28/08/2021 02:00

Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 1 080

By lily389 - 21/03/2011 05:02

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 231

You deserved it 4 067

By Anonymous - 30/09/2014 23:42 - United States - Richmond

Spicy

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 526

You deserved it 10 073

By anon - 06/01/2015 00:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 188

You deserved it 2 487

By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 22:00

Spicy

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 048

You deserved it 479

By Unlucky - 09/10/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 584

You deserved it 4 936

By Anonymous - 28/09/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 756

You deserved it 2 761

You sure it was your birthday?

By Anonymous - 04/02/2021 04:53

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 061

You deserved it 125

Not like that

By anonymous - 26/05/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 981

You deserved it 8 818

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Top comments

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Friday 14 October 2016 10:34

Maybe the last time he tried cowgirl (previous relationship), they didn't know how to do it right and accidentally bent his business at a painful angle. Or maybe he's a control freak who can't get it up unless he's in the dominant position. You should probably talk it out and see if it's just a silly/embarrassing story he never told you, or something you actually need to be worried about.

_Shake_n_Bake__ 11

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:41

Maybe cowgirls scare him

Comments

TheEpicKitten 20

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:37

You should talk to him about it, communication is key

Lalala579121 27

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:40

Well now at least you know that he probably doesn't like that.

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:41

Well according to Sigmund Freud....

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Friday 14 October 2016 12:43

What?

_Shake_n_Bake__ 11

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:41

Maybe cowgirls scare him

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Sunday 16 October 2016 15:12

I'm scared of cows

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Friday 14 October 2016 9:45

I guess that rules out the possibility of him being a power bottom.

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Friday 14 October 2016 10:34

Maybe the last time he tried cowgirl (previous relationship), they didn't know how to do it right and accidentally bent his business at a painful angle. Or maybe he's a control freak who can't get it up unless he's in the dominant position. You should probably talk it out and see if it's just a silly/embarrassing story he never told you, or something you actually need to be worried about.

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Friday 14 October 2016 14:53

I seem to remember that it is one of the easiest positions to break your penis in. ....and now all the men on here are going to instantly go soft next time we have a girlfriend suggest cowgirl.

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Friday 14 October 2016 15:01

Someone needing to be dominate in bed isn't something to worry about. It isn't related to being a control freak

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Friday 14 October 2016 15:18

Or maybe he just like, lost his hard on. It happens.

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Friday 14 October 2016 18:39

Dominant vs Control Freak; big difference.

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Saturday 15 October 2016 4:10

I'm highly dominate, but if being in a position that is slightly more submissive makes someone literally unable to get turned on they're 1. Probably a control freak 2. A really bad, uncreative dom.

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Friday 14 October 2016 14:30

How much do you weigh?

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Friday 14 October 2016 18:08

Weight has nothing to do with this. If he was hard to begin with while getting heated, he's attracted to her and her weight already. It has something to do with the guy and this position.

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Thursday 20 October 2016 7:22

I don't think he was speaking of attractiveness, I think he meant he'd be crushed underneath someone who was really large.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 October 2016 16:12

Maybe he took a dislike to bottom in his prison days?

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Friday 14 October 2016 16:59

My boyfriend is like this too. It's really easy for a girl to get too excited when she's on top and I can only imagine how painful a bent penis is. Maybe he's a bad experience, but you definitely need to talk to him about it.

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Friday 14 October 2016 18:11

Confucius say: girl who ride on top, must have hard saddle

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 44

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 83

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 33