Miscellaneous: Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a... - FML

By Modeon123 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

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Mother of the year

Banished

F*** my overweight life

By runner - United States

Run run run

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

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By Chubby - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a really annoying kid who wouldn't listen to me, and threw his food through the kitchen, so I punished him. When his mother came home he ran to her and said, "Mommy, mommy, it's not true what you told me, fat people are NOT nice!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

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By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By missy - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2021 03:00 - Philippines - Manila

Can't win

Today, my mom told me to stop using my phone and talk to them, but whenever I do that, they just end up yelling at me and telling me to go to my room. FML

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By Smile - France

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

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By Henry - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By rykelmb - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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By FlyingCoffeeMonster - United States - Oreland

Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Eddie - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

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By unlucky22

Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 19:58

Be prepared

Today, I'm in Ibiza. My period came early and had nothing but face masks to use as sanitary towels. Then, the closest thing to period knickers I could find was in a souvenir shop, which on the arse reads, "What happens in Ibiza belongs in Ibiza." FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Rockyio - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML

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By lawdwhy

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By whattheshit - United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kinburn

Today, I was doing a demonstration in front of my taekwondo class because I'm flexible. Really flexible. I kneed myself in the face and broke my nose. FML

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By daughter - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By 3.14 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By singleagain - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By tbree - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By Aether - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By sassy_girl144 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6704426 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:24

"Today, I witnessed a predator devouring what I thought was my hive's larval population, so I took it upon myself to defend the queen's honor and attacked. I nearly got eaten. Protecting rice. FML"

By WCARlover | 34

#6704418 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:03

I'm sorry OP but if you want honey on your rice that's not the best way to go about it

COMMENTS

By WCARlover | 34

#6704418 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:03

I'm sorry OP but if you want honey on your rice that's not the best way to go about it

By stingray112 | 24

#6704419 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:07

Just eat through your nose next time

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6704421 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:09

Hope you bit down and exacted your revenge. It actually would have been merciful, granting it a quicker death like that.

By stevenJB | 25

#6704423 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:12

Gotta get your protein one way or the other!

By species4872 | 19

#6704424 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:13

I'm home honey!

By Tripartita | 44

#6704426 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:24

"Today, I witnessed a predator devouring what I thought was my hive's larval population, so I took it upon myself to defend the queen's honor and attacked. I nearly got eaten. Protecting rice. FML"

Reply

sungrays | 16

#6704450 - Thursday 20 October 2016 19:36

Plus he would've died, right? From stinging something. So it's ghost bee writing the fml.

Reply

MasterTron | 24

#6704472 - Thursday 20 October 2016 21:19

She. Some where around 90% of a hive is female

Reply

ShadowWyvern666 | 16

#6704480 - Thursday 20 October 2016 22:52

Very few bees die from stinging something, it's mainly just bumblebees.

Reply

buttcrackles | 9

#6704652 - Friday 21 October 2016 16:10

#17 Feel free to read the FML again.

By el_Jeffe_D | 11

#6704427 - Thursday 20 October 2016 17:24

I guess the phrase "Bites without a sting" doesn't apply to you.

By RichardPencil | 30

#6704434 - Thursday 20 October 2016 18:02

Are you sure it wasn't sriracha sauce? That shit is hot!

Reply

Alup132 | 22

#6704491 - Friday 21 October 2016 1:49

It's not very hot, actually.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6704515 - Friday 21 October 2016 4:30

I had Sriracha when Subway was doing the Hunger Games promo. It may depend on you but it was kinda there.

By Yourheadache | 19

#6704440 - Thursday 20 October 2016 19:13

hope you ate the motherfucker too, lol!

By olpally | 32

#6704445 - Thursday 20 October 2016 19:30

I'm cringing at the mental image of this. Ouch!