Animals: Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when... - FML

By ginya - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

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Season finale

And today, on Dr Phil…

OK, well, goodbye

By Cooper491 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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By I get the hint

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By sucker - Canada

Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By Anonymous

Had any calls lately?

Today, I noticed that all 200 remaining business cards out of the 500 that I had made have the wrong phone number on them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

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By Rolax - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

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By Spac3Ghost - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

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By thatfatkid - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

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By amyhyett - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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By WentInABush - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

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By SayWhat - United States

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

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By asparagus piss - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, I have to choose between getting a cellphone contract that I need, or a TV that I don't even want, but which my flatmates insist I contribute towards. The same flatmates who eat all my food. This increased grocery bill has left me unable to afford either the phone or TV. FML

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By - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By Lonely_Army - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

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By sad drummer - United States - La Jolla

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

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By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

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By hahatofunny - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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By alissa_roar - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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By SweetStuff88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By Soon2beexhr

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

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By nessacadesa - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

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By ruined_suit - United States

Defense!

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins were still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid ran out and shot me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and ruined my new suit. FML

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By pookie99 - United States

Today, I went to sell my wedding rings, due to the fact that I'm getting divorced from a man who cheated on me. The jeweler informed me that the stone in my engagement ring is fake. I won't even be able to cover the divorce costs from the proceeds. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

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Top comments

By JohnnyKade | 25

#6622937 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 14:42

It had to get the taste of you out of its mouth by any means...

By chewsef | 17

#6622965 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 16:27

Who let the dogs out? OP did.

COMMENTS

By JohnnyKade | 25

#6622937 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 14:42

It had to get the taste of you out of its mouth by any means...

By mds9986 | 24

#6622939 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 14:45

Ruff situation there

By walker9879 | 25

#6622941 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 14:50

Yeah that might have been cat-astrophic

By MidnaLink | 32

#6622943 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 14:53

Dogs. Always little shits, aren't they?

By tranced_ | 44

#6622947 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 15:05

are you talking about your sister or her dog ?

By chewsef | 17

#6622965 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 16:27

Who let the dogs out? OP did.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6622985 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 17:33

Kit scat is a nice light treat

By Catdragon | 40

#6623050 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:13

I will show this every time someone tells people to hate cats, dogs are better, get a dog.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6623065 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 19:44

that's a wild little bitch

By toba122 | 12

#6623090 - Tuesday 7 June 2016 20:20

My god, the stench of that must've been fit for the depths of hell.