Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML
Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML
Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML
Today, I was sent to group therapy. A girl spent twenty minutes telling us horrible details of having been raised incestuously. A side effect of my new medication is yawning. FML
fiercehawk tells us more.
Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML
Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML
Today, I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom. FML
Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turned to me and sead in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML
Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML
Today, I went on a job interview. The interviewer said it all went well, but he can't hire me because I've got a nose piercing, and that type of "image" isn't the kind they're looking for in their employees. This is the guy who had a full sleeve tattoo. FML
Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML
Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML
Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says, "Oh, honey. I don't care… Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML
Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML
Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML
Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML
Today, after a great night of sexual ecstacy, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year-old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night, he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML
Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML
Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML
Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML
Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML
Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML
Today, a grown man yelled at me because he'd been waiting for 15 minutes and still hadn't been seated or had his order taken. We were at a self-serve breakfast buffet. FML
Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML
shellz15 tells us more.
shellz15 16
Hi all, OP here! I hope you're all having a fantastic festive season with your family and friends :)! I've read some interesting comments and just wanted to address a few things.... Firstly, I'm in my twenties and I'm midway through my law degree, so I'm quite aware of my rights (in australia for those of you who were unaware). More importantly, I did deal with this properly. At the store we went to, there were several rooms and each had a different Santa to make the process a little quicker. This is good because it meant that no other child saw what happened. When it did happen, I was pretty horrified but I kept my cool because I didn't want to alarm my young sister who was very excited to be there. After we left the room, I went up to the service counter and explained everything. The lady profusely apologized and I'm pretty sure this "Santa" was removed straight away. Although it was a massive FML moment and I definitely felt violated, as long as this doesn't happen to anyone else, I'm happy to erase this from my memory and move on! I've been assured that this man has lost his working with children check and hopefully won't be bothering anyone again! Warm wishes from Aus, Michelle
Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML
Today, I'm three months pregnant. Hours after the father of my baby bought me a wedding ring, he decided to get drunk and tell me that he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life, and doesn't really want to get married. Oh and that he hates my dog. FML
Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML
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