Miscellaneous: Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't...

By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

Leave us alone

Gratitude walks

By Mylifeisaboldandbeautifulepisode

Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By Wife - United States

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

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31335

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6614

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By Remy - United States - Portland

Today, I was offered a job that pays far more than I expected, being a high school senior. My parents decided they aren't letting me take the job, saying I should enjoy my childhood. They're also not paying for my college, which is why I was looking for work in the first place. FML

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53428

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By Anonymous

Fashion Week, Bitch

Today, I found out that my blazer was not in fact lost. How did I find this out? The girl who'd "lost it" was wearing it. She now denies it was ever mine. FML

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1580

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

My precious

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

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By Singleforever - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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29211

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while I was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl I like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen and with hives. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

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48298

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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5995

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By Anonymous

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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1786

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256

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By TJFuentes - United States - Appleton

Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML

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38236

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By MomOfBoys

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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7727

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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42019

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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28887

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By lorrilanee - Australia

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

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34118

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By lifesucks - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

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33265

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By toadface - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

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By anonyme - France - Grenoble

Today, the left side of my head has officially declared its independence. Half of my hair is now curly, the rest is totally flat. FML

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By TooInnocent - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

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10893

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By charpanda007 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

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35793

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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20104

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By jag talar - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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30216

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

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37955

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By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

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12698

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

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58757

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By noantiquesforme - United States - Santa Clara

Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

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30659

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By miapapaya - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

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4254

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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47445

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By HarvestMoon_gal - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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29034

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10614

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By Dani - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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34148

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

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36660

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30517

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By whoops - 3/10/2020 05:06

Trans women are women

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

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By leaaaa 223 - 14/7/2020 23:01

Take, is gift

Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6179414 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

So I guess you could say you're...

...ripped.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6179408 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:10

Must have sounded pretty impressive.
Well Done!

COMMENTS

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6179408 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:10

Must have sounded pretty impressive.
Well Done!

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6179652 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 21:13

I know! why must OP be disappointed with it.

By DocBastard | 38

#6179414 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

So I guess you could say you're...

...ripped.

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6179439 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:34

I hope they didn't....

....shred their pants.

shredder217 | 16

#6181022 - Friday 23 January 2015 4:55

cue the CSI Miami music

By LeavenSilva | 27

#6179415 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

Maybe you aren't human :P

By LilHitla | 15

#6179416 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

Maybe you aren't human..

katydid91 | 31

#6179705 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:43

Maybe OP is an X-Man and doesn't know it yet.

By amadeclton | 26

#6179417 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

What did you eat?

_dkmc_ | 7

#6179458 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:03

Probably Taco Bell

Codezlol | 21

#6179463 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

If it was Taco Bell it probably would have been more than a fart ;)

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6180140 - Thursday 22 January 2015 7:16

I was gonna say White Castle. But I know what White Castle does to me, so I guess I can just throw this comment away

By anoniemm | 13

#6179418 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

I guess you haven't been on the internet long enough then ;-)

By iop330 | 22

#6179419 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:14

The question is what animal did it sound like?

I'm going with chicken.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6179831 - Thursday 22 January 2015 0:59

Maybe a barking spider?

By lulinator | 40

#6179420 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:14

Were you doing squats? It happens.

By anoniemm | 13

#6179423 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:15

Maybe there's a career in it for you op ;-)

By Sunflower1919 | 19

#6179425 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:16

Better out than in!