Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't...

By highschoolsucks - 21/1/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Not a cheating!

Buzzing the tower

By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 19:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By "Courtney Edwards" - 30/6/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - Cwmbran

Today, I was taking care of the general public as a first aider in a massive event. Since the temperature was high, we were expecting many of the older-than-middle-aged women to collapse of heat exhaustion and need to be treated. I didn't realise I would be one of those affected. FML

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By silkworm - 24/6/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

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By elo - 20/12/2008 05:50 - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

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By Ow - 18/4/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

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By klsdhjla - 15/2/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

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By otter - 17/8/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By Robert Herrin - 31/10/2018 13:30

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML

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By :/ - 3/12/2012 01:57 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML

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By Grossed out - 14/2/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By 123alleyesonme - 2/11/2012 04:17 - United States - Austin

Today, after losing twenty pounds to please my husband, the only comment I received was, "At least now only your personality sucks." FML

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By woodre - 2/9/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

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By cynical - 5/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

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By Barney - 18/6/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:08 - United States - Redding

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By ch - 4/3/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

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By twinzies - 20/2/2016 02:46 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, there's a new freshman at my school that looks exactly like me. Whenever we see her, my friends shout "Twinzies!" I don't have anything against her, but I'm bummed because I'm a male senior. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By Chesty Larue - 7/8/2015 00:29 - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

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By Catcrap! - 18/11/2013 23:47 - United States - Rialto

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

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By mustanggt - 2/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

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By whyme - 2/9/2016 04:33 - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 06:41 - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

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By whattabrat - 26/2/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2015 23:24 - Sweden - Huddinge

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 12:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the regional manager of my company came out to do some performance reviews. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty, and when he reached out to shake my hand, I blurted out, "I'm sorry, you made me wet." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By mybackhurts - 4/2/2018 15:00

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By ChelseaRae - 6/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 20:01

Grow up

Today, I was excited to go to a Japanese restaurant for my birthday. When the chef started doing tricks however, my spoiled brat of a sister started screaming and crying in terror. My parents insisted we leave and go to McDonald's because she was upset. She's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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By toothbreaker - 22/8/2019 11:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought my very first college textbook. I received a stack of hole-punched papers. My $195 "book" isn’t even bound together. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6179414 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

So I guess you could say you're...

...ripped.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6179408 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:10

Must have sounded pretty impressive.
Well Done!

COMMENTS

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6179408 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:10

Must have sounded pretty impressive.
Well Done!

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6179652 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 21:13

I know! why must OP be disappointed with it.

By DocBastard | 38

#6179414 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

So I guess you could say you're...

...ripped.

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6179439 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:34

I hope they didn't....

....shred their pants.

shredder217 | 16

#6181022 - Friday 23 January 2015 4:55

cue the CSI Miami music

By LeavenSilva | 27

#6179415 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:12

Maybe you aren't human :P

By LilHitla | 15

#6179416 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

Maybe you aren't human..

katydid91 | 31

#6179705 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:43

Maybe OP is an X-Man and doesn't know it yet.

By amadeclton | 26

#6179417 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

What did you eat?

_dkmc_ | 7

#6179458 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:03

Probably Taco Bell

Codezlol | 21

#6179463 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 17:08

If it was Taco Bell it probably would have been more than a fart ;)

Regimental_Phan | 18

#6180140 - Thursday 22 January 2015 7:16

I was gonna say White Castle. But I know what White Castle does to me, so I guess I can just throw this comment away

By anoniemm | 13

#6179418 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:13

I guess you haven't been on the internet long enough then ;-)

By iop330 | 22

#6179419 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:14

The question is what animal did it sound like?

I'm going with chicken.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6179831 - Thursday 22 January 2015 0:59

Maybe a barking spider?

By lulinator | 40

#6179420 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:14

Were you doing squats? It happens.

By anoniemm | 13

#6179423 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:15

Maybe there's a career in it for you op ;-)

By Sunflower1919 | 19

#6179425 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:16

Better out than in!