By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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Dangling modifier

Laundry drama

I CAN HEAR YOU

By me. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Nose bleed - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By tryandtryagain - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting on tables at work, I was carrying a glass of red wine when I lost balance and spilt it everywhere. After cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass, I did exactly the same thing again. FML

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By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

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By allwrong - Australia

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

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By Water Daughter - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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By rhcpgurl - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML

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By wwasmer - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

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By SpideyFace - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

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By Babs - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

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By the critic - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

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By Uhg

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

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By neverStopLaughin - United States

Today, I moved out of my parents basement. After I hugged my parents I walked out the door only to remember I left my phone in the kitchen. I open the door and see my parents dancing. FML

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By SailorVenus93

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By slingshot - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By boylookingirl - United States

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

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By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

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By ElodieUNU - France

Today, I went on a blind date. The guy greeted me with a "What's up, bitch?", which I wrote off as him just being really laid-back. By dessert, he'd asked me if my boobs are real, then when we finished, asked how many more dates it'd take before I put out. So much for that. FML

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By B - United States

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

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By georgiana072 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

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By drreeeewwww - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

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By Caroline1812 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By SatelliteUser - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

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By Killmenow - United States

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

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By Poor Student - Canada

Today, my mother "borrowed" money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I'm not allowed to go on. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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Top comments

By lovelyhippos | 15

#7880543 - Friday 7 February 2020 20:02

Where did he get the yogurt from? Did you not notice him stop to go get yogurt?

By Steve Knight | 13

#7880638 - Saturday 8 February 2020 6:21

Gives a new meaning to yoplait.

COMMENTS

By lovelyhippos | 15

#7880543 - Friday 7 February 2020 20:02

Where did he get the yogurt from? Did you not notice him stop to go get yogurt?

By Kraths | 16

#7880555 - Friday 7 February 2020 20:41

Maybe he was just skipping to the creampie.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7880558 - Friday 7 February 2020 21:15

Is he Greek? They have very tasty yogurt.

Reply

zhawk316 | 4

#7880569 - Friday 7 February 2020 22:10

No they don’t

By fjvitt | 14

#7880559 - Friday 7 February 2020 21:19

It will balance the pH...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7880621 - Saturday 8 February 2020 1:43

It's better than "I was hoping for something live and active down there."

By Chelsea Grice | 5

#7880629 - Saturday 8 February 2020 4:16

H

By Steve Knight | 13

#7880638 - Saturday 8 February 2020 6:21

Gives a new meaning to yoplait.

By J15237 | 21

#7881303 - Monday 10 February 2020 21:24

Wow. What the fuck was your man thinking. Maybe he was going to eat it out of you or something?

By Pycnogonida | 16

#7881307 - Monday 10 February 2020 21:29

This idiot has no concept of consent *or* yeast infections. Methinks OP can do better.

By purplepixie23 | 15

#7881997 - Wednesday 12 February 2020 22:35

Poured yogurt? Have ya’ll ever tried to ‘pour’ yogurt? And was she doing a headstand?