Money and Miscellaneous: Today, while shopping, I tried on a beautiful knee-length dress....

By ShinyLadybird15 - United Kingdom

Today, while shopping, I tried on a beautiful knee-length dress. It looked amazing and I decided to buy it, until the time came to take it off. A jammed zip meant 15 minutes of tugging before the manager cut me free. FML

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Money

Miscellaneous

Serious times

Social distancing done right

Doomed

By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

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By Me - United States - Ramona

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

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By JerseyGirl - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

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By Looking4ajob - United States - Jackson

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Dayton

Wanting your cake

Today, I'm in love with my best friend, while also being in love with my wife. I know he has feelings for me too. I wish my wife was poly too. FML

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336

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By Shutup! - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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By sicksicksick - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

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By n_london - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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By dinomite

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

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By geekyteendisaster - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

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3162

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By babydoll13211 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By notgood - 4/1/2021 16:01 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I accidentally took an Ex Lax instead of an Immodium. It's gonna be a fun night. FML

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606

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By thx. - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

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By Danielle - United States

Today, I was upset after a fight with my husband, so I cried alone in the bedroom. My 4-year-old son then comes in and hugs me. I thought he was trying to comfort me, but he then told me he had to go get his quarter my husband had promised to pay him if he made me shut up. FML

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By BlackCheetah101 - Australia

Reverse Uno card

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend, "You're kidding, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 17:01

Relativity

Today, I found out my husband of 8 years has been cheating on me, so I decided to let the lady's husband know that she was unfaithful as well. His response was that I ruined his day. This has ruined mine and my kids lives. FML

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1316

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By englishtrio - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By Anonymous

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By Anon

Today, I went camping. The night was calm and quiet, so we went to our separate tents to sleep. I closed my eyes, listening to the distant waves and my father playing porn in the tent beside me. FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

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47969

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By Anonymous

You just don't understand art

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

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1648

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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50588

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By BrianP - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

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49414

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Showtime

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

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1500

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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13784

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By Miko - United States

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

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10229

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By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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14839

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By dinosawerr - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML

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5888

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By Potential Bridezilla - United Arab Emirates

Today, a week after my fiancé and I got engaged, his mother is already complaining that she isn't involved enough in the wedding arrangements. We haven't even set a date yet. FML

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Top comments

By sumocj | 14

#7561926 - Thursday 9 November 2017 2:59

Stupid child proof skirts

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7561916 - Thursday 9 November 2017 1:59

Damn those pesky zippers.

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7561916 - Thursday 9 November 2017 1:59

Damn those pesky zippers.

By sumocj | 14

#7561926 - Thursday 9 November 2017 2:59

Stupid child proof skirts

By RichardPencil | 30

#7561953 - Thursday 9 November 2017 5:54

Did you still buy it?

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7562044 - Thursday 9 November 2017 13:06

I’m going to assume the phrase “you break it you buy it” would apply in this situation. That’s what my ex father-in-law said when he found out I got his daughter pregnant out of wedlock.

Seeya55 | 31

#7562284 - Friday 10 November 2017 2:07

It actually may not apply. If the zipper got stuck, that's the clothing fault. Especially if the zipper was already down before she tried it on. If the dress fit fine and the manager couldn't even undo it, there's no way she could be blamed. It wouldn't have worked on anyone wearing it.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7561965 - Thursday 9 November 2017 6:28

It's YKK or nothing.

By Cali | 54

#7562101 - Thursday 9 November 2017 16:09

I hope they didn't make you pay for it!

By hugozac88 | 22

#7563460 - Monday 13 November 2017 7:42

At least you didn’t catch a butt check with the zipper, so.. win... kinda