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By omfgnooo - 09/09/2011 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 874

You deserved it 54 941

Self report

By Anonymous - 25/05/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said, "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 074

You deserved it 5 540

It's just another day

By wilmerjean - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 829

You deserved it 3 230

By anonymous - 16/11/2010 22:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 891

You deserved it 11 700

By Keira - 27/03/2019 22:00

Today, the modeling program I'm required to use for school started inexplicably crashing. Reinstalling doesn't even fix it. The company that owns the software doesn't provide students with tech support, and my teacher just told me I won't pass if I can't fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 134

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 667

You deserved it 5 989

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 853

You deserved it 6 169

Better than nothing

By Fluory - 07/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 188

You deserved it 3 975

Revenge

By Brilee Bruxvoort - 25/12/2020 16:58 - United States - West Des Moines

Today, after I divorced my husband because of his extreme alcoholism, he's now sober and got his life together and I see the man I fell madly in love with. Apparently, getting better for revenge meant more than getting better for the marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 244

By Caramel - 26/01/2013 11:19 - Serbia

Today, after coming back from work, I panicked as I noticed that my rabbit was having a hard time breathing. So I went straight to the vet. I paid 40€ for him to tell me that he had hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 90

By Anonymous - 23/07/2012 15:41 - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 048

You deserved it 8 268

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!" Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 302

You deserved it 44 899

Night on the tiles

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 985

You deserved it 46 645

By ScottishLad1 - 01/09/2011 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged by three guys. I fought back, and knocked one down. This made them angry, so they stole my clothes as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 938

You deserved it 3 765

ScottishLad1 tells us more.

ScottishLad1 3

Thursday 1 September 2011 19:29

This was mine, just made this account to explain. I was walking home at about 2 in the morning from a night out, and these three guys just walked up demanding everything. I had been drinking so I wasn't going to say yes, and you know the rest. Thank God no one was there.

By ThatGirl - 19/07/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 582

You deserved it 2 207

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 886

You deserved it 9 657

By Anonymous - 25/04/2019 16:00

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 904

You deserved it 813

Snack time

By oops... - 12/09/2014 05:50 - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 612

You deserved it 29 804

By Anonymous - 07/09/2014 15:55 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 359

You deserved it 3 832

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 20:55 - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 790

You deserved it 12 857

Dig it

By anidiotskeeper - 12/07/2012 06:03 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 3 090

By overlandparkmommie - 14/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon, I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 502

You deserved it 3 771

You're at home here

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 14:00 - Ireland - Clonmel

Today, after years of struggling with poor mental health, my depression convinced me that no one would ever care enough about me to help if I reached out. I called the local suicide hotline anyway. They didn’t answer. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 136

By Alyssasgoneawol - 24/12/2016 09:33 - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with some firefighters. They were too focused on the fire to notice my hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 759

By Username - 10/07/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 209

You deserved it 9 396

By ohmygod - 20/06/2013 05:49 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 409

You deserved it 8 465

By BerzerkelyBongBabe - 23/08/2011 21:55 - United States

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 337

You deserved it 6 273

Crowded

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew, and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 498

You deserved it 5 993

By Fmyoffice - 27/11/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 869

You deserved it 2 771

Spring cleaning

By Anonymous - 12/05/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take an exam required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 231

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Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 793

You deserved it 1 278

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 480

You deserved it 6 314

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 867

You deserved it 6 729

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 785

You deserved it 3 898

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 521

You deserved it 4 464

Today, I was walking down the hallway of my office, texting and not paying attention, when I tripped on… nothing. I just practically face-planted onto the floor, and when I looked up, people chatting in the hallway were staring at me, and asked me if I had tripped over my own foot or if a ghost had pranked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 436