Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she... - FML

By massage mama - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

And today, on Dr Phil…

Business is business

By KillingMeSlowly

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

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By turdburger - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By thisismyawkwardface - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML

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By fleatitting fame - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML

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By Addianna - Canada - Edmonton

Today, and every day this week, my office mate has decided to "liven up the place" by singing and whistling Christmas tunes and other unknown songs. She has zero musical ability. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

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By Shawn - 28/3/2021 05:01

Kids are gross

Today, I taught my 18 month-old daughter to wipe the green, snotty mucus from under her nose with a tissue. To which, like a ninja, she then wiped my open-mouthed upper lip with that same snotty tissue. FML

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By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML

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By civic4life - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

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By Nearly blind

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By Asshole Parker - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

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By Anonymous

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Nikki - United States

Awkward

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

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By please stay on the line

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By RedHotRoses

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

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By travelsickness - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Petrolia

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By Kilimanjaro - France

This is war!

Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML

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By jamalinho - Bangladesh

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

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By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By buddy - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

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By Crumpet - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

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By AzrielB

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By das_shizzle

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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By steph - Canada

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By financially_wreckd

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By Tinkerer - United States

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son got an email saying he could win an iPad if he just entered his credit card number. He asked for mine, telling me that it was so he could buy some school supplies online, so I gave it to him. The internet just conned a credit card number out of a 17-year-old nitwit. And me. FML

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By thedudeman14 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

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Top comments

By Seeya55 | 31

#7828453 - Sunday 4 August 2019 17:59

I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!

By Slyfried | 63

#7828491 - Sunday 4 August 2019 19:41

♫ But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here ♫♪

COMMENTS

By Seeya55 | 31

#7828453 - Sunday 4 August 2019 17:59

I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7828467 - Sunday 4 August 2019 18:29

News flash: You are a weirdo!

Reply

MidnaLink | 33

#7828872 - Monday 5 August 2019 15:31

News flash: you’re not always funny.

By Slyfried | 63

#7828491 - Sunday 4 August 2019 19:41

♫ But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here ♫♪

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#7857696 - Friday 8 November 2019 13:55

I love that song so much.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7828806 - Monday 5 August 2019 10:32

You kinda are a weirdo. Itjust seems creepy, no matter how innocent it actually is.

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7829019 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 5:47

It's creepy to give your kid a massage to help them sleep? No.

By saberjpg | 6

#7828944 - Monday 5 August 2019 21:47

Why do call them "Special Massages"? It's just a massage. She should have told people that her mom gives her a massage to help her sleep. It's the "Special" part that makes it sound creepy.

Reply

zeeba_neighba | 10

#7829023 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 5:51

Kids don't necessarily understand adult innuendo. A child wouldn't and shouldn't understand what a massage parlor means in Florida. Bob Kraft does✔😌

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7829113 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 16:15

So explain to her teacher and principal that you are a massage therapist and there isn't anything hokey about it.