Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she... - FML

By massage mama - 4/8/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

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That'll be Kevin in accounting

No justice

Risky business

By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By Chad - 10/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Norfolk

Cloth ears

Today, my hubby asked me what we were doing for dinner. He'd already asked me twice and each time I responded, he said, "Sounds good." He has no idea why I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He's been doing this shit for 12 years. FML

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By dadisgoatboy - 11/6/2011 06:37 - Switzerland

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 00:02

Smash the Patriarchy!

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2016 08:31

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

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By 352 - 18/4/2012 20:18 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 10:15 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

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By Asian - 7/2/2016 19:03 - United States - Clover

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

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By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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By Anna - 29/9/2015 14:58 - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

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By Lifes_overated - 23/9/2009 14:10 - Australia

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

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By Noname - 10/2/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By "Anti_Sora" - 5/1/2019 00:00

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

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By The Selfie Parent - 4/11/2014 21:48 - Canada - Mount Pearl

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

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By joarasmi - 1/6/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML

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By APersonSomewhere - 31/3/2019 18:00

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

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By horriblejoke - 10/10/2012 15:05 - Australia - Perth

Today, I completely shaved my head as a gesture for my boyfriend's mother, who was suffering from cancer and having a terrible time undergoing chemotherapy. Turns out she doesn't even have cancer, and my boyfriend thought I wouldn't have the guts to do it. FML

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By SingleStrongArm - 3/5/2013 05:16 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 15:18 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By Eden - 14/7/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome - 15/7/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 02:31 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

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By We're still popping them - 27/2/2015 00:35 - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By UsedForSurgery - 28/10/2017 01:30

Today, after having surgery, I called my family to tell them I was out, safe, and on my way home. The first thing they asked was if they could "borrow" some of my pain meds. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - 20/8/2014 20:08 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By Electro - 11/2/2016 21:51 - United States - Nashua

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

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By honorstudent - 13/5/2010 02:18 - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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By A girl - 27/6/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By badluckdrew - 1/5/2009 14:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

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By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

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By handyman13 - 25/7/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

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By jaxattax - 20/10/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

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By idontlikebitter - 8/3/2016 21:10 - Switzerland - Klingnau

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

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By nabru - 6/7/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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Top comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7828453 - Sunday 4 August 2019 17:59

I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!

By Slyfried | 63

#7828491 - Sunday 4 August 2019 19:41

♫ But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here ♫♪

COMMENTS

By chyiochan | 30

#7828453 - Sunday 4 August 2019 17:59

I'm sorry...that really sucks. Can't say they're not thorough with child protection though! Walk in with a deadpanned face and say "I literally just rub lavender oil on my kids back to help her sleep. I'm a massage therapist." Done! And make sure to talk to her teacher, not just office!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7828467 - Sunday 4 August 2019 18:29

News flash: You are a weirdo!

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7828872 - Monday 5 August 2019 15:31

News flash: you’re not always funny.

By Slyfried | 63

#7828491 - Sunday 4 August 2019 19:41

♫ But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here ♫♪

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#7857696 - Friday 8 November 2019 13:55

I love that song so much.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7828806 - Monday 5 August 2019 10:32

You kinda are a weirdo. Itjust seems creepy, no matter how innocent it actually is.

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7829019 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 5:47

It's creepy to give your kid a massage to help them sleep? No.

By saberjpg | 6

#7828944 - Monday 5 August 2019 21:47

Why do call them "Special Massages"? It's just a massage. She should have told people that her mom gives her a massage to help her sleep. It's the "Special" part that makes it sound creepy.

Reply

zeeba_neighba | 10

#7829023 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 5:51

Kids don't necessarily understand adult innuendo. A child wouldn't and shouldn't understand what a massage parlor means in Florida. Bob Kraft does✔😌

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7829113 - Tuesday 6 August 2019 16:15

So explain to her teacher and principal that you are a massage therapist and there isn't anything hokey about it.