Intimacy: Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I...

By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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52499

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20386

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Intimacy

Out of it

Social distancing gone wrong

All for nothing

By Eyalsh - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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27324

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2779

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By fucking fratricidal - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24398

You deserved it

1945

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By Lifeguard - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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92305

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4483

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By roomie487 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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41132

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4316

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By collegestudent

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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1884

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307

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 07:25 - United States

Mean girls

Today, I watched our presidential candidates face off like high school girls with the whole world watching. FML

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1274

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262

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By EllieS9311 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30460

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3050

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By BaconGirl

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13149

You deserved it

1984

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37946

You deserved it

10458

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By SuperShy - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14178

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2103

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By StudMuffinette - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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35147

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2961

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21761

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67158

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By MrSlav - 12/11/2020 17:57 - Lithuania - Siauliai

Litter

Today, I rubbed my heel raw with a new shoe, so I put a bandaid on and went to the pool. A few minutes later, I noticed the bandaid floating close to me. I'm not an ass so I quickly fished it out and put in the pocket of my swimming trunks. Later, I went to shower and noticed that my bandaid was still on my heel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1057

You deserved it

139

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22984

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15175

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By failure - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32638

You deserved it

5016

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By fail - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7556

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67790

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By inappropes

Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3633

You deserved it

549

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By danikka1 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26000

You deserved it

10456

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By Terminator101101 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49781

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9131

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23848

You deserved it

2892

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By oddgrrl99 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54366

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4713

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By maruskasommers - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36199

You deserved it

2691

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1850

You deserved it

135

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12962

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29085

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By butterball - Israel - Palmahim

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24056

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6545

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By ihateumicheal - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39382

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4228

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1313

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118

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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44706

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12071

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32302

You deserved it

3880

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20116

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69027

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By Bitch

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

444

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10410

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2020 02:02

Heartless

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1541

You deserved it

1339

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By WTFLY - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

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44142

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3069

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By missprude666 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41979

You deserved it

4475

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I witnessed a kid apparently getting jumped. Being a good citizen, I got out and started yelling at them. I ended up alongside the kid in the hospital. FML

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39773

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4606

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By calamity janet

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3841

You deserved it

459

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27664

You deserved it

2679

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By ahdeadcats - United States

Today, I got to go back into my house after it had been tented. Suddenly, a foul stench filled my house. My husband checked all around the house and finally checked under the house. There were more than 12 dead stray cats under our house, and guess who was in charge of pulling them out? FML

I agree, your life sucks

42106

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3744

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4877

You deserved it

274

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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40961

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4707

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Top comments

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

COMMENTS

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041561 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:02

Don't be a Mike now.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041624 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Ian7890 | 23

#6041653 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:58

#40 My uncle is a Mike

MisterGasMoney | 16

#6041781 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:34

Well, Nobody likes him!

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6041880 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:18

Who's Mike?

LennySimps48 | 3

#6041929 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:44

#108 some who got his his dick poked by his friend because his friend saw it poking out by his pocket and asked him whathe got there

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6041966 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 11:09

Just repeat the pledge of allegiance until it goes away.

lsvxoxo | 12

#6042090 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:35

Ha, I understood that reference.

Googolman | 29

#6042102 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:53

124 - Good for you?

Ilmoran | 20

#6042122 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 15:32

You've got it backward 114, Mike was the one who poked his friends dick.

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6042193 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 17:51

thank you!

musicmanbilly | 8

#6042768 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:52

Why even bring that up?

By who_else00 | 12

#6041526 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:41

Did he notice???

morondon000 | 14

#6041528 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:43

I agree that would be awkward if he noticed. And spark some bad questions.

Nilorak | 24

#6041531 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

No he was with his girlfriend's dad.

morondon000 | 14

#6041537 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Ya I re-read it and corrected myself, sorry for that.

flufee2 | 27

#6041718 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:46

Lets hope he noticed, for the daughters sake lol

elibel | 16

#6041721 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:48

Trooo

Chezzlova | 5

#6041809 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:08

Your profile picture just proves how amazing you are.

By senor_octubre | 24

#6041530 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

That's awkward

Nilorak | 24

#6041535 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

You don't say.

Zougibourg_fml | 6

#6041696 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:03

Captain obvious, hello.

lord_meloetta | 20

#6041766 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:10

No it's very pleasant

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041571 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:08

Oh so proudly we hailed, at my boners hard feeling.

leopardwilliam | 22

#6041590 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:48

@25 that seemed forced

noisyboy4000 | 23

#6041644 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:44

@28 thanks for ruining the chain

tigerisabelle | 31

#6041735 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:21

Whose broad girth and bright eye,
Through the tiresome night
o'er the ramparts she watched,
as it stood, liquid streaming.

(too far?)

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041753 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:47

You say too far, I say not far enough....

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041761 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:01

In the woman's red glare, me cumming inside there. Gave proof through the night, that my dick was still there.

I'm done for a while...

7Maverick | 10

#6042428 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 0:01

Genius.

basalt | 4

#6042796 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 9:52

dude i love u haha (jk)
tht was pure genius

ladymunchkin742 | 11

#6044297 - Thursday 21 August 2014 23:10

Your pic looks like it's singing. I wish I could double like this

Zerizle | 19

#6046089 - Saturday 23 August 2014 20:40

We're all getting deported

hambro | 9

#6219352 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:48

did anybody else sing the whole song thing

By _FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041533 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

At least you didn't Catch any Foul looks from her father!

barfcannon | 24

#6041539 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

I'm going to put a shortstop to this pun chain before it goes any farther

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041547 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:52

This thread still has another 2 strikes #12, no need to be so bunt about it...

baseballbv | 17

#6041563 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:03

As much as I'd like to slide into this chain, perhaps I should just bench myself.

izntdan | 14

#6041581 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:27

Wow guys all of these puns have really been home runs

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041606 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:00

I'm not gonna be a hardball about this but we better stop before someone throws a fastball past us.

pessimistprime | 4

#6041617 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:08

Fuck this, I don't know baseball lingo.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041626 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:22

37, you're out

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041664 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:30

#41

Who's up to bat now?

BubbleGrunge | 18

#6041690 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:00

52-Who's on first.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041707 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:19

58 you're safe!

cjwayy | 22

#6041795 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:55

All of you just struck out.

gjikvtj | 18

#6041823 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:37

Baseball Bat

johobus28 | 26

#6041827 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:49

This chain started out great but turned foul quickly.

Enslaved | 36

#6041828 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:51

Did I miss "Peanut butter jelly time"?

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041837 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:22

Those 3 strikes I talked about are way out of the park....

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6041845 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:34

Fml is where I learn all my puns

By Queenie2014 | 11

#6041534 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

......

kinky44 | 28

#6041536 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Go on.

By aire101 | 16

#6041540 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

Classical conditioning at its finest.

Zebediabolical | 38

#6041642 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:41

Classical conditioning at it's finest... When I was in the US Army in the 90's, I beat off so much in the shower that I still get a hardon ever time it rains.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041673 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:42

Who kind of 'murican doesn't get a hard on from the national anthem?!

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6041550 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:56

Well, that's one odd way to salute.

naajster | 14

#6041877 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:09

at least he's standing up for the national anthem.. national pride I must say

By vikky538 | 28

#6041551 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:57

perfect song for flag raising ceremony...

By JBChristian | 46

#6041553 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:58

Find a song that her father doesn't like or listen to. That should fix any future awkward "problems" with him.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6041902 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:21

It isn't that the girlfriend's father enjoyed listening to the song, it's the fact that OP and said father were at a baseball game. The anthem was unavoidable.