Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I...

By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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52486

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Intimacy

Messed up

Boozehound alert

Father material

By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 20:00

Secret life

Today, the phone rang, it was some woman who wanted to speak to my dad. “It’s probably his mistress,” I said jokingly. Turns out it was. FML

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1729

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163

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 11:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that, because i'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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33049

You deserved it

2356

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2428

You deserved it

397

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By ForeverAlone - 6/3/2013 22:28 - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39805

You deserved it

2785

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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46248

You deserved it

7914

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 17:00 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

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27424

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2998

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By Gottabekidding - 9/9/2016 00:33 - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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14618

You deserved it

834

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By ihatevideos - 16/3/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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194063

You deserved it

37311

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By unknown - 17/8/2019 02:00 - Canada

Today, my wife figured out I gave her a dollar store ring for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

476

You deserved it

4449

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By cock sauce - 9/6/2012 21:15 - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11329

You deserved it

29507

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By AnalProbe - 12/3/2017 18:00

Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML

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4992

You deserved it

474

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 17:01 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31132

You deserved it

2872

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By Meg - 17/10/2018 15:30

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2970

You deserved it

548

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By googly191 - 19/12/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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34559

You deserved it

2461

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

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47373

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By Seriously - 24/5/2011 17:46 - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29686

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8155

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By Amore - 9/12/2014 19:15 - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

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36917

You deserved it

4226

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20153

You deserved it

1795

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By monsterdanceman - 23/10/2013 23:16 - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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48041

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4867

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - 29/8/2015 14:06 - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26649

You deserved it

3735

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By goodbyediet - 30/1/2015 11:00 - United Kingdom - Accrington

Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML

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33581

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5696

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By crazydog - 10/6/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29565

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4169

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 21:19 - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39223

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2411

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By sonwhy - 25/2/2014 00:51 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

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39564

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7224

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By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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2179

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166

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By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1638

You deserved it

145

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By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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44057

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By FreshFaced - 12/6/2011 11:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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40885

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2013 13:43 - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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44858

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By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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11727

You deserved it

607

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By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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3077

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180

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By theskippster - 30/5/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

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19972

You deserved it

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By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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3060

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426

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By perfectmoment - 30/11/2009 00:47 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

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33434

You deserved it

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By Peter - 10/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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1824

You deserved it

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By Sheev - 18/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Francisco

This Charming Man

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1717

You deserved it

170

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 02:00

Tactician

Today, in the most polite and friendly way I could think of, I told a friend that she's slightly too dramatic about things. She started throwing a fit, deleted my number, and ended our seven-year friendship. FML

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1604

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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28335

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4069

You deserved it

515

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2014 11:55 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML

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40238

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Top comments

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

COMMENTS

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041561 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:02

Don't be a Mike now.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041624 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Ian7890 | 23

#6041653 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:58

#40 My uncle is a Mike

MisterGasMoney | 16

#6041781 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:34

Well, Nobody likes him!

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6041880 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:18

Who's Mike?

LennySimps48 | 3

#6041929 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:44

#108 some who got his his dick poked by his friend because his friend saw it poking out by his pocket and asked him whathe got there

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6041966 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 11:09

Just repeat the pledge of allegiance until it goes away.

lsvxoxo | 12

#6042090 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:35

Ha, I understood that reference.

Googolman | 29

#6042102 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:53

124 - Good for you?

Ilmoran | 20

#6042122 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 15:32

You've got it backward 114, Mike was the one who poked his friends dick.

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6042193 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 17:51

thank you!

musicmanbilly | 8

#6042768 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:52

Why even bring that up?

By who_else00 | 12

#6041526 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:41

Did he notice???

morondon000 | 14

#6041528 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:43

I agree that would be awkward if he noticed. And spark some bad questions.

Nilorak | 24

#6041531 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

No he was with his girlfriend's dad.

morondon000 | 14

#6041537 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Ya I re-read it and corrected myself, sorry for that.

flufee2 | 27

#6041718 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:46

Lets hope he noticed, for the daughters sake lol

elibel | 16

#6041721 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:48

Trooo

Chezzlova | 5

#6041809 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:08

Your profile picture just proves how amazing you are.

By senor_octubre | 24

#6041530 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

That's awkward

Nilorak | 24

#6041535 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

You don't say.

Zougibourg_fml | 6

#6041696 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:03

Captain obvious, hello.

lord_meloetta | 20

#6041766 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:10

No it's very pleasant

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041571 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:08

Oh so proudly we hailed, at my boners hard feeling.

leopardwilliam | 22

#6041590 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:48

@25 that seemed forced

noisyboy4000 | 23

#6041644 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:44

@28 thanks for ruining the chain

tigerisabelle | 31

#6041735 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:21

Whose broad girth and bright eye,
Through the tiresome night
o'er the ramparts she watched,
as it stood, liquid streaming.

(too far?)

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041753 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:47

You say too far, I say not far enough....

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041761 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:01

In the woman's red glare, me cumming inside there. Gave proof through the night, that my dick was still there.

I'm done for a while...

7Maverick | 10

#6042428 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 0:01

Genius.

basalt | 4

#6042796 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 9:52

dude i love u haha (jk)
tht was pure genius

ladymunchkin742 | 11

#6044297 - Thursday 21 August 2014 23:10

Your pic looks like it's singing. I wish I could double like this

Zerizle | 19

#6046089 - Saturday 23 August 2014 20:40

We're all getting deported

hambro | 9

#6219352 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:48

did anybody else sing the whole song thing

By _FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041533 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

At least you didn't Catch any Foul looks from her father!

barfcannon | 24

#6041539 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

I'm going to put a shortstop to this pun chain before it goes any farther

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041547 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:52

This thread still has another 2 strikes #12, no need to be so bunt about it...

baseballbv | 17

#6041563 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:03

As much as I'd like to slide into this chain, perhaps I should just bench myself.

izntdan | 14

#6041581 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:27

Wow guys all of these puns have really been home runs

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041606 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:00

I'm not gonna be a hardball about this but we better stop before someone throws a fastball past us.

pessimistprime | 4

#6041617 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:08

Fuck this, I don't know baseball lingo.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041626 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:22

37, you're out

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041664 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:30

#41

Who's up to bat now?

BubbleGrunge | 18

#6041690 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:00

52-Who's on first.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041707 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:19

58 you're safe!

cjwayy | 22

#6041795 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:55

All of you just struck out.

gjikvtj | 18

#6041823 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:37

Baseball Bat

johobus28 | 26

#6041827 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:49

This chain started out great but turned foul quickly.

Enslaved | 36

#6041828 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:51

Did I miss "Peanut butter jelly time"?

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041837 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:22

Those 3 strikes I talked about are way out of the park....

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6041845 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:34

Fml is where I learn all my puns

By Queenie2014 | 11

#6041534 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

......

kinky44 | 28

#6041536 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Go on.

By aire101 | 16

#6041540 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

Classical conditioning at its finest.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6041642 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:41

Classical conditioning at it's finest... When I was in the US Army in the 90's, I beat off so much in the shower that I still get a hardon ever time it rains.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041673 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:42

Who kind of 'murican doesn't get a hard on from the national anthem?!

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6041550 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:56

Well, that's one odd way to salute.

naajster | 14

#6041877 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:09

at least he's standing up for the national anthem.. national pride I must say

By vikky538 | 28

#6041551 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:57

perfect song for flag raising ceremony...

By JBChristian | 46

#6041553 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:58

Find a song that her father doesn't like or listen to. That should fix any future awkward "problems" with him.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6041902 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:21

It isn't that the girlfriend's father enjoyed listening to the song, it's the fact that OP and said father were at a baseball game. The anthem was unavoidable.