Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I...

By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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52468

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Intimacy

The opposite of a good idea

Age ain't nothing but a number

Fairytale ending

By a - 10/4/2013 19:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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54241

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By NoStarbucks4Me - 21/2/2017 02:00 - Germany - M?hldorf

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

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6340

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 13:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

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47639

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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37146

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By wingless_angel_7 - 2/12/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML

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By Jenna Berreth - 7/10/2019 16:00

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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598

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 21:27 - United States - Foxboro

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

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28059

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By NairyAGoodIdea - 15/1/2015 21:05 - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

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By not living happily ever after - 2/12/2014 17:02 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

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23403

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By little_star78 - 13/11/2013 11:08 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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60016

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By poop towel - 15/9/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

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37469

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By ABD - 15/12/2017 01:30

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

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6291

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By ItchyGirl - 9/10/2016 12:07 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

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10707

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 20:50

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

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30784

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2013 20:42 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

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23320

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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42389

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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27913

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By idk - 4/9/2015 14:15 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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25884

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By myparentsarehoes - 3/8/2009 16:33 - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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76034

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By jcooh0lla - 24/7/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

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By robinhoood - 12/7/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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76771

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By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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30977

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By uterus why - 1/2/2019 16:00

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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2082

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By TzarErik - 6/8/2014 23:33 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, at work in a library, I found a dirty diaper stuffed under one of the public use computer desks. Not only was it leaking, but it had been run over several times by a rolling office chair. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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28620

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By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By 3,500 down - 7/5/2016 08:00 - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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16409

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 22:31 - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By Disgusted - 5/7/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

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42892

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By DaggerHole - 6/3/2014 14:54 - Australia

Today, I learned the worst part about being dared to shave your ass hair: Stubble. FML

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40021

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By shrek - 2/5/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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16545

You deserved it

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By scardeycat13 - 8/1/2012 05:38 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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24160

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By Jessie - 25/12/2010 13:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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47448

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 00:01

Take a number

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

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1385

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2019 16:03

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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1525

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By IDPlease - 7/12/2018 03:00

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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2801

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By Sleepy - 4/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

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Top comments

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

Comments

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041561 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:02

Don't be a Mike now.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041624 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Ian7890 | 23

#6041653 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:58

#40 My uncle is a Mike

MisterGasMoney | 16

#6041781 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:34

Well, Nobody likes him!

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6041880 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:18

Who's Mike?

LennySimps48 | 3

#6041929 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:44

#108 some who got his his dick poked by his friend because his friend saw it poking out by his pocket and asked him whathe got there

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6041966 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 11:09

Just repeat the pledge of allegiance until it goes away.

lsvxoxo | 12

#6042090 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:35

Ha, I understood that reference.

Googolman | 29

#6042102 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:53

124 - Good for you?

Ilmoran | 20

#6042122 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 15:32

You've got it backward 114, Mike was the one who poked his friends dick.

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6042193 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 17:51

thank you!

musicmanbilly | 8

#6042768 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:52

Why even bring that up?

By who_else00 | 12

#6041526 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:41

Did he notice???

morondon000 | 14

#6041528 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:43

I agree that would be awkward if he noticed. And spark some bad questions.

Nilorak | 24

#6041531 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

No he was with his girlfriend's dad.

morondon000 | 14

#6041537 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Ya I re-read it and corrected myself, sorry for that.

flufee2 | 27

#6041718 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:46

Lets hope he noticed, for the daughters sake lol

elibel | 16

#6041721 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:48

Trooo

Chezzlova | 5

#6041809 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:08

Your profile picture just proves how amazing you are.

By senor_octubre | 24

#6041530 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

That's awkward

Nilorak | 24

#6041535 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

You don't say.

Zougibourg_fml | 6

#6041696 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:03

Captain obvious, hello.

lord_meloetta | 20

#6041766 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:10

No it's very pleasant

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041571 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:08

Oh so proudly we hailed, at my boners hard feeling.

leopardwilliam | 22

#6041590 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:48

@25 that seemed forced

noisyboy4000 | 23

#6041644 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:44

@28 thanks for ruining the chain

tigerisabelle | 31

#6041735 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:21

Whose broad girth and bright eye,
Through the tiresome night
o'er the ramparts she watched,
as it stood, liquid streaming.

(too far?)

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041753 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:47

You say too far, I say not far enough....

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041761 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:01

In the woman's red glare, me cumming inside there. Gave proof through the night, that my dick was still there.

I'm done for a while...

7Maverick | 10

#6042428 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 0:01

Genius.

basalt | 4

#6042796 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 9:52

dude i love u haha (jk)
tht was pure genius

ladymunchkin742 | 11

#6044297 - Thursday 21 August 2014 23:10

Your pic looks like it's singing. I wish I could double like this

Zerizle | 19

#6046089 - Saturday 23 August 2014 20:40

We're all getting deported

hambro | 9

#6219352 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:48

did anybody else sing the whole song thing

By _FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041533 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

At least you didn't Catch any Foul looks from her father!

barfcannon | 24

#6041539 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

I'm going to put a shortstop to this pun chain before it goes any farther

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041547 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:52

This thread still has another 2 strikes #12, no need to be so bunt about it...

baseballbv | 17

#6041563 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:03

As much as I'd like to slide into this chain, perhaps I should just bench myself.

izntdan | 14

#6041581 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:27

Wow guys all of these puns have really been home runs

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041606 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:00

I'm not gonna be a hardball about this but we better stop before someone throws a fastball past us.

pessimistprime | 4

#6041617 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:08

Fuck this, I don't know baseball lingo.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041626 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:22

37, you're out

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041664 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:30

#41

Who's up to bat now?

BubbleGrunge | 18

#6041690 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:00

52-Who's on first.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041707 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:19

58 you're safe!

cjwayy | 22

#6041795 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:55

All of you just struck out.

gjikvtj | 18

#6041823 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:37

Baseball Bat

johobus28 | 26

#6041827 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:49

This chain started out great but turned foul quickly.

Enslaved | 36

#6041828 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:51

Did I miss "Peanut butter jelly time"?

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041837 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:22

Those 3 strikes I talked about are way out of the park....

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6041845 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:34

Fml is where I learn all my puns

By Queenie2014 | 11

#6041534 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

......

kinky44 | 28

#6041536 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Go on.

By aire101 | 16

#6041540 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

Classical conditioning at its finest.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6041642 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:41

Classical conditioning at it's finest... When I was in the US Army in the 90's, I beat off so much in the shower that I still get a hardon ever time it rains.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041673 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:42

Who kind of 'murican doesn't get a hard on from the national anthem?!

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6041550 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:56

Well, that's one odd way to salute.

naajster | 14

#6041877 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:09

at least he's standing up for the national anthem.. national pride I must say

By vikky538 | 28

#6041551 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:57

perfect song for flag raising ceremony...

By JBChristian | 46

#6041553 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:58

Find a song that her father doesn't like or listen to. That should fix any future awkward "problems" with him.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6041902 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:21

It isn't that the girlfriend's father enjoyed listening to the song, it's the fact that OP and said father were at a baseball game. The anthem was unavoidable.