Intimacy: Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I...

By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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52511

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Intimacy

Out of it

Explain that one

Childfree

By married to a nerd

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

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By MyLyfeSux - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

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10898

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By ShayanFCB - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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41943

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By killercow - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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30172

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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19569

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML

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By Anonymous

Fairytale ending

Today, as something cute to do, me and my boyfriend dressed as Snow White and the Prince so we could photograph the moment he kisses me and I wake up. He thought it would be funny to use his penis, so now there’s a picture of us dressed up with my dumb self kissing his penis with my eyes closed. FML

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1712

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By Apes - United States - Temecula

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

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38392

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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1626

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By angry asthmatic - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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2428

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By Sad preggo

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

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7630

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By Jes

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

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15830

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - Australia

Livin' the dream

Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML

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605

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By szinna - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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57950

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By holy sleet - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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27742

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By umm... - Australia - Canberra

It's a witch!

Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML

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1724

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312

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By justlittleoldme - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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32608

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2603

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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49784

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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51768

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By nanuka_g - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Two teenagers behind me had already seen the picture once and shared the entire plot with their friend during first 10 minutes. The finale was intended to be a great twist and I knew it from the very beginning. FML

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33421

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By Dixienornous - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

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14055

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By Kat - United States - Tiverton

Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML

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30151

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By battle1 - United States - Marietta

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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30444

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By Anonymous

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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1600

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By cnd1213 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Cervignano Del Friuli

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

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27897

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By EffinAhole - France

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

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13058

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By JeezyCherieze - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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81074

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By a.baybay - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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12070

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By sillygoose - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

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By how - United States - Crozier

Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML

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41072

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By FML

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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5729

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By jake - 10/1/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

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998

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By weak - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

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37306

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By Vandrefalk - Norway

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

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23885

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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34257

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By Mel - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

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Top comments

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

COMMENTS

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6041525 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:40

Hopefully he didnt ask what it was and poke it.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041561 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:02

Don't be a Mike now.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041624 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Ian7890 | 23

#6041653 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:58

#40 My uncle is a Mike

MisterGasMoney | 16

#6041781 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:34

Well, Nobody likes him!

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6041880 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:18

Who's Mike?

LennySimps48 | 3

#6041929 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:44

#108 some who got his his dick poked by his friend because his friend saw it poking out by his pocket and asked him whathe got there

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6041966 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 11:09

Just repeat the pledge of allegiance until it goes away.

lsvxoxo | 12

#6042090 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:35

Ha, I understood that reference.

Googolman | 29

#6042102 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 14:53

124 - Good for you?

Ilmoran | 20

#6042122 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 15:32

You've got it backward 114, Mike was the one who poked his friends dick.

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6042193 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 17:51

thank you!

musicmanbilly | 8

#6042768 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 8:52

Why even bring that up?

By who_else00 | 12

#6041526 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:41

Did he notice???

morondon000 | 14

#6041528 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:43

I agree that would be awkward if he noticed. And spark some bad questions.

Nilorak | 24

#6041531 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

No he was with his girlfriend's dad.

morondon000 | 14

#6041537 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Ya I re-read it and corrected myself, sorry for that.

flufee2 | 27

#6041718 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:46

Lets hope he noticed, for the daughters sake lol

elibel | 16

#6041721 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:48

Trooo

Chezzlova | 5

#6041809 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:08

Your profile picture just proves how amazing you are.

By senor_octubre | 24

#6041530 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

That's awkward

Nilorak | 24

#6041535 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

You don't say.

Zougibourg_fml | 6

#6041696 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:03

Captain obvious, hello.

lord_meloetta | 20

#6041766 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:10

No it's very pleasant

By imlifeless2 | 25

#6041532 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

Oh say, can you see? By my dick's early rise...

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041571 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:08

Oh so proudly we hailed, at my boners hard feeling.

leopardwilliam | 22

#6041590 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:48

@25 that seemed forced

noisyboy4000 | 23

#6041644 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:44

@28 thanks for ruining the chain

tigerisabelle | 31

#6041735 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:21

Whose broad girth and bright eye,
Through the tiresome night
o'er the ramparts she watched,
as it stood, liquid streaming.

(too far?)

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041753 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 3:47

You say too far, I say not far enough....

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041761 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:01

In the woman's red glare, me cumming inside there. Gave proof through the night, that my dick was still there.

I'm done for a while...

7Maverick | 10

#6042428 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 0:01

Genius.

basalt | 4

#6042796 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 9:52

dude i love u haha (jk)
tht was pure genius

ladymunchkin742 | 11

#6044297 - Thursday 21 August 2014 23:10

Your pic looks like it's singing. I wish I could double like this

Zerizle | 19

#6046089 - Saturday 23 August 2014 20:40

We're all getting deported

hambro | 9

#6219352 - Monday 2 March 2015 20:48

did anybody else sing the whole song thing

By _FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041533 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:44

At least you didn't Catch any Foul looks from her father!

barfcannon | 24

#6041539 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

I'm going to put a shortstop to this pun chain before it goes any farther

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041547 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:52

This thread still has another 2 strikes #12, no need to be so bunt about it...

baseballbv | 17

#6041563 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:03

As much as I'd like to slide into this chain, perhaps I should just bench myself.

izntdan | 14

#6041581 - Monday 18 August 2014 23:27

Wow guys all of these puns have really been home runs

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041606 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:00

I'm not gonna be a hardball about this but we better stop before someone throws a fastball past us.

pessimistprime | 4

#6041617 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:08

Fuck this, I don't know baseball lingo.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041626 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:22

37, you're out

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041664 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:30

#41

Who's up to bat now?

BubbleGrunge | 18

#6041690 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:00

52-Who's on first.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6041707 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 2:19

58 you're safe!

cjwayy | 22

#6041795 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 4:55

All of you just struck out.

gjikvtj | 18

#6041823 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:37

Baseball Bat

johobus28 | 26

#6041827 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:49

This chain started out great but turned foul quickly.

Enslaved | 36

#6041828 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 5:51

Did I miss "Peanut butter jelly time"?

_FML_Austin_ | 12

#6041837 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:22

Those 3 strikes I talked about are way out of the park....

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6041845 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 6:34

Fml is where I learn all my puns

By Queenie2014 | 11

#6041534 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

......

kinky44 | 28

#6041536 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:45

Go on.

By aire101 | 16

#6041540 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:47

Classical conditioning at its finest.

Zebediabolical | 39

#6041642 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 0:41

Classical conditioning at it's finest... When I was in the US Army in the 90's, I beat off so much in the shower that I still get a hardon ever time it rains.

Kyle1dc | 17

#6041673 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 1:42

Who kind of 'murican doesn't get a hard on from the national anthem?!

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6041550 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:56

Well, that's one odd way to salute.

naajster | 14

#6041877 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 8:09

at least he's standing up for the national anthem.. national pride I must say

By vikky538 | 28

#6041551 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:57

perfect song for flag raising ceremony...

By JBChristian | 46

#6041553 - Monday 18 August 2014 22:58

Find a song that her father doesn't like or listen to. That should fix any future awkward "problems" with him.

tournamentdecide | 33

#6041902 - Tuesday 19 August 2014 9:21

It isn't that the girlfriend's father enjoyed listening to the song, it's the fact that OP and said father were at a baseball game. The anthem was unavoidable.