Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn... - FML

By BlueB - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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You tried

Best Baby Names of 2021

Wakey wakey

By hazlanz216 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

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By mrmarshall

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By Burnt - United States

Today, while changing a light bulb, I was electrocuted. I screamed before I blacked out. My entire family was home and heard me scream, but didn't come and check because they were too busy watching Glee. FML

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By Unsatisfied - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By Cantswim - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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By single once again - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he was cheating on me. He replied, "Nah, all the chicks in this town are fuck-ugly." and stared at me until I left the room. Good to know that's his only reason for staying faithful. FML

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By Broke as hell

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

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By sparkle - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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By creepedoutlady - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By fd_uplife - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

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By Girl w/ the Pearl Earring - Australia - Perth

Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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By rolled

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By A-train - 13/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Not now, mom

Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML

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By disgustedgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kankakee

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

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By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Anonymous - Maldives - Male

Today, at a family dinner, my mom announced that my newborn brother was named after his father. His name is Kevin. My dad's name is Michael. FML

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By roofer - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By ITalkGood - France

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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By WeightonmyShoulders - United States - Canandaigua

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

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By sideGirl - 26/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Lancaster

Side piece

Today, I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend when she walked into his bedroom while we were having sex. I didn't drive there, so I'm now sitting in his car while they fight. It's been two hours since she got home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By popcorn - United States

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By disfordiploma - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

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By people suck - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

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By Firepussy911

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

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By Abr829 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, "You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you're going to need to actually try." FML

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Top comments

By satanic_fml | 13

#5568437 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:14

watch porn in a language you don't know

By Catkam623 | 27

#5568442 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:15

Mute it, then sit back and fill the dialogue with complex grammer sentences. You'll be done in no time.

COMMENTS

By satanic_fml | 13

#5568437 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:14

watch porn in a language you don't know

Reply

epicwaffles | 7

#5568452 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:17

Don't read the comments OP.

Reply

epicwaffles | 7

#5568514 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:45

Don't restate something someone else has already said OP.

Reply

greenmen | 12

#5568517 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:47

Get off porn maybe do something else

Reply

challan | 19

#5568539 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:58

What else is there on the internet besides FML and porn?!

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#5568546 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:02

#32, Don't forget about those silly cat videos!

Reply

slooby_fml | 25

#5568604 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:52

Fan fiction

Reply

Narutosuns2fan | 12

#5568650 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:37

I think that in itself would be a turn off.

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5568735 - Sunday 7 July 2013 0:42

#32 -- I was going to thumb your comment up, but you're at 69...

Reply

ThePK | 5

#5568820 - Sunday 7 July 2013 1:45

Foreign language...exotic stuff you might find ;)

Reply

shitsville | 13

#5569080 - Sunday 7 July 2013 6:45

Anime, here I cum! (pun intended)

Reply

Doritozilla | 20

#5569123 - Sunday 7 July 2013 8:24

#34 Sims has an option of watching two hours of cat videos on the internet. lol

Reply

haj_fml | 4

#5569325 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:48

Well they're a Nazi - watch it in German..

Reply

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5669689 - Thursday 12 September 2013 5:33

no

By LordDoodle | 17

#5568439 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:14

Just get up and walk away.

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5568592 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:44

Well that would completely ruin the situation...

Reply

bigtaytay | 13

#5568666 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:44

I was gonna go with stop being a grammar fag

By capnbzarr | 43

#5568441 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:15

You should learn to mind your own diction.

Reply

RobotSpaceWalrus | 5

#5568554 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:09

That was pretty brilliant. Thank you.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5568442 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:15

Mute it, then sit back and fill the dialogue with complex grammer sentences. You'll be done in no time.

Reply

catwho | 18

#5568613 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:59

You mean people actually listen to what's being said in a porno?

Reply

shibeep | 12

#5568616 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:02

Focus on the shitty music.

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5568618 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:04

He [email protected]

Reply

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5568633 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:16

#4 but then you can't hear the moans. :(

Reply

Lomus | 24

#5569940 - Sunday 7 July 2013 23:25

*grammar #4, please.

Reply

ermagherdaturdis | 26

#5572437 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 18:48

.

By MagicalOrphan | 6

#5568443 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:16

You're the worst kind of person and you should feel bad

By mxij | 13

#5568448 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:17

Watch one of the schoolgirl ones. I bet those are grammatically correct, it is a real school right?

Reply

TheBrochure | 22

#5568583 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:40

Well, if she gets it wrong, she's sure to be "punished."

Reply

Corrupt_waffles | 13

#5573175 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 4:56

Dean, you are confusing real life with porn again.

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5568453 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:17

Life is going to be very difficult for you.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5568530 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:56

Challenging, to be sure. He can always go to the library and find literate chicks to bang.

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5568456 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:18

That be a very hard situation.

Reply

ashieee143 | 18

#6354023 - Saturday 18 July 2015 19:58

Nah it's not that hard anymore xD

By littlem91 | 29

#5568463 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:24

Do you have the same problem if a girl says grammatically incorrect phrases during sex?

Reply

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#5568531 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:56

Something tells me OP hasn't quite got there yet.

Reply

Ilovemisery | 6

#5568696 - Saturday 6 July 2013 23:17

You don't say full sentences during sex. The worst that could happen using moans wrong.

Reply

littlem91 | 29

#5568742 - Sunday 7 July 2013 1:07

Could say "Oh god you good". Instant turn off for a grammar nazi!

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#5569545 - Sunday 7 July 2013 18:44

Or, she could say, "Oh god your good," instead of "Oh god *you're good."

By Wizardo | 33

#5568464 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:24

Just listen to music over it, no biggie.