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I might do that! Thanks for the suggestion. Good thing I haven't called her out on it yet. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing, though. It's been going on for years! And it's not like we are that intimate, or goof around much.

He was a very good boy

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 17:58 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

agreeclassic 20 338

vote type 1 1 902

By kevinfmls - 16/01/2016 03:27 - United States - Reston

Today, at college, I asked the girl who usually sits next to me if she wanted to team up on our latest assignment. She gave me a disgusted look, said "Um, I'm MARRIED. Creep." and walked away. Seriously, what the fuck? FML

agreeclassic 25 159

vote type 1 1 509

kevinfmls app_comment_confession_title

kevinfmls 12

Wednesday 30 March 2016 19:23

I haven't seen this until almost 3 months later! Thanks for the support, turns out she was LYING about being married and just wanted to not work with me in the most obvious way.

By ScaredOfClowns - 31/12/2015 16:40 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my girlfriend let me stay over at her house for the first time. I went into her room only to find out she's obsessed with the Joker and has a bunch of posters and toys of him. I am deathly afraid of clowns. FML

agreeclassic 24 261

vote type 1 3 762

ScaredOfClowns app_comment_confession_title

ScaredOfClowns 11

Friday 1 January 2016 21:55

(I didn't know how to get it to comment as the OP...) For those of you who are asking how I didn't know, she had never brought it up in conversation. We only recently started dating and she hadn't mentioned it at all. She knew that I was afraid of clowns and admitted later on that she thought I was kidding. I guess it could be worse, when I made an excuse to leave and we talked about it later, she suggest we stay at my place instead.

By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

agreeclassic 2 530

vote type 1 233

Travelling light

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip, I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. I couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

agreeclassic 6 188

vote type 1 1 188

By qwertycode - 26/11/2015 18:57 - United States - Colton

Today, my mom prevented me from walking a neighbor's dog because she said I'm obsessed with it. I walk the dog three times a day because that's what the neighbors pay me to do. FML

agreeclassic 26 441

vote type 1 1 624

qwertycode app_comment_confession_title

qwertycode 19

Friday 27 November 2015 5:03

Hello, OP here! The family that owns the dog is out of town currently due to Thanksgiving and all that, which is why they need someone to walk the dog. I take care of other things too of course, like feeding, making sure he goes to bed, etc but it's mostly just letting him get his exercise.

By MG73 - 02/11/2015 04:16 - United States - Scarborough

Today, I now need to include in my prerequisites for a potential date, "Must not pull a knife out on one of my guy friends for hugging me." I'm so done with online dating. FML

agreeclassic 25 010

vote type 1 2 389

MG73 app_comment_confession_title

MG73 9

Monday 2 November 2015 19:31

OP here. For some clarification, it was only our second time hanging out. I did introduce him to my guy friend so he wouldn't feel insecure. We were all leaving, I hugged my friend bye since to me, that is just a casual thing, and he went crazy. I'm just glad I found out what he's like early on.

Effed up

By sunny_funny - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML

agreeclassic 8 364

vote type 1 1 205

Booze confused

By piliseep - 07/06/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

agreeclassic 4 098

vote type 1 1 685

By Fartini - 07/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

agreeclassic 11 264

vote type 1 2 445

He studied the blade

By Ryoichi - 17/09/2015 11:13 - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

agreeclassic 29 982

vote type 1 1 663

Moving day

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 18:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

agreeclassic 26 377

vote type 1 3 852

By smh - 10/09/2015 06:09 - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of five adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules? No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

agreeclassic 28 803

vote type 1 2 298

A few good men?

By notthe1punchinglittlegirls - 01/07/2017 14:00

Today, I was visiting my in-laws and sharing a room with my husband's 17-year-old sister. Later that night she and her brother of 24 years started fist-fighting over an air mattress and I had to pull them off each other. The brother later berated me with, "You can't handle any pressure!" FML

agreeclassic 4 212

vote type 1 393

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

agreeclassic 29 340

vote type 1 1 627

By idontevengetpaid - 05/09/2016 04:35 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

agreeclassic 10 159

vote type 1 15 258

By AlmightyVoice - 07/08/2016 11:38 - United States - Rochester

Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML

agreeclassic 12 514

vote type 1 3 827

AlmightyVoice app_comment_confession_title

AlmightyVoice 13

Monday 8 August 2016 23:03

Hi OP here! No this was not my first experience with bleaching my upper lip. I have done it many times before but with a different product. I had my friend do it also with me and hers did not end up like mine. Every time I had done it before it had stung so I figured that it was just doing its job but I guess my skin was just very sensitive to the brand I had. Good news is that everything is good now and I will just go back to using the kind I had before. Also the only reason I decided on not shaving or anything else was because I do not want the hair growing in darker or thicker:)

By vxdragon23 - 03/08/2016 04:48 - United States - Queensbury

Today, I got a letter from my old bank saying I owe them over 400 dollars. I closed the account 3 months ago, or at least I thought I did. The teller never finished closing it and I've been getting hammered with maintenance fees and overdrafts on an account I didn't even want anymore. FML

agreeclassic 14 829

vote type 1 986

vxdragon23 app_comment_confession_title

vxdragon23 9

Wednesday 3 August 2016 20:17

op here. the first fee was a 12 d9llar maintenance fee after I had "closed the account" it was then followed up by multiple extended overdraft fees for 35 dollars each. there wasn't anything that was auto drafting from the account.