Animals: Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97766

You deserved it

22928

Favorite

Animals

Goodbye Bill

What a headache

Give me my drugs!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27390

You deserved it

3365

Favorite

By ohhhman - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19659

You deserved it

58046

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13874

You deserved it

50086

Favorite

By nextcontestant16 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40843

You deserved it

4998

Favorite

By awkwardd - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33346

You deserved it

8038

Favorite

By FYouBoyfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45494

You deserved it

16159

Favorite

By wowthatwould - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21334

You deserved it

46524

Favorite

By Michelle - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30647

You deserved it

17311

Favorite

By ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17292

You deserved it

83741

Favorite

By lobotomy pls - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28254

You deserved it

4472

Favorite

By Lunar-Spice - 16/12/2020 04:54 - United States - Midlothian

Teddy is always there for you

Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML

I agree, your life sucks

650

You deserved it

Favorite

By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20325

You deserved it

93520

Favorite

By Doors Hate Me - United States

Today, as I was about to open a door at school, a student opened it and hit me. As I recovered and was about to open it again, someone else opened the door, hitting me again. Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37935

You deserved it

3860

Favorite

By awesomekidsmum - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35681

You deserved it

9097

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25132

You deserved it

3142

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12712

You deserved it

829

Favorite

By djxerxes9000 - Canada

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24439

You deserved it

5774

Favorite

By FrickingBusDrivers - United States - Farmington

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31791

You deserved it

2269

Favorite

By Tiana Scott

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2272

You deserved it

814

Favorite

By Carrie - 4/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Birmingham

Obsession by Calvin Klein

Today, I was at a party with my crush, but I didn’t talk to him. After, I walked out to my car, and saw a dent in my car. I then noticed that the dent was exactly the size of my crush’s head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

514

You deserved it

268

Favorite

By AnnaNick - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31879

You deserved it

10318

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

459

Favorite

By TipsyTj - Canada - Kentville

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22125

You deserved it

3234

Favorite

By carrie - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24157

You deserved it

6508

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29855

You deserved it

5422

Favorite

By fuck - United States - Somerville

Today, I scolded my son at a buffet after he pointed at an obese woman in a motorized wheelchair and asked how anyone could let themselves get so unhealthy. As I lectured him on genetics and thyroid problems, she rolled past with a plate stacked with an obscene amount of fried food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23885

You deserved it

6384

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54715

You deserved it

11126

Favorite

By Username - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28004

You deserved it

1884

Favorite

By hair2daygone4ever - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33512

You deserved it

4740

Favorite

By noodle - United States

Today, my study partner for my biology class didn't go to lecture. Not once has he gone to lecture. I went to almost every lecture. He got better grades than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25008

You deserved it

3917

Favorite

By whatzthehell - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14583

You deserved it

51313

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13950

You deserved it

71525

Favorite

By pampa31 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25679

You deserved it

1684

Favorite

By FirstDaddy - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63168

You deserved it

4451

Favorite

By PoopTart - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59075

You deserved it

14774

Favorite

By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Jumping the gun

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1350

You deserved it

Favorite

By M. Moore

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1951

You deserved it

384

Favorite

By Anonymous

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks

954

You deserved it

1133

Favorite

By Hornymuch - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8085

You deserved it

28728

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML