By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2305

You deserved it

463

Tweet

Share

Intimate moments

Family values

Everyone's an expert

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41739

You deserved it

2928

Tweet

Share

By mommylovesu - 15/3/2011 02:25 - United States

Today, the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten. When it honked, I opened the door for her to let her run out to it. Halfway there she tripped and started crying. I couldn't run out because I was still in my underwear. Now her bus thinks I'm the worst mom ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20110

You deserved it

43577

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38837

You deserved it

8917

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox. One was to my ex saying "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33981

You deserved it

4163

Tweet

Share

By siciliano12594 - 12/11/2012 18:40 - United States - Harrison

Today, I learned that last week, the UPS man gave my package to my neighbor for safekeeping. It was over five-hundred dollars' worth of merchandise. My neighbor left for Canada on Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26966

You deserved it

1934

Tweet

Share

By Ugly - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50394

You deserved it

10009

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/4/2012 01:41 - United States - Lindale

Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "new pirate" in the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15718

You deserved it

20607

Tweet

Share

By theoriginalkydd - 11/12/2018 07:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I met up with my ex girlfriend for coffee. It’s been months, and I was planning on flexing on her with my new car. Turns out, she also got a new car, and it’s newer, cleaner, faster, and better on gas... FML

I agree, your life sucks

1059

You deserved it

3430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 19:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66836

You deserved it

6347

Tweet

Share

By Embarassed - 10/9/2009 05:32 - Canada

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42429

You deserved it

8049

Tweet

Share

By box butt - 7/3/2017 00:00

Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5287

You deserved it

606

Tweet

Share

By A bit cowardly? - 19/5/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1958

You deserved it

229

Tweet

Share

By hdkgdkvdjd - 30/12/2011 04:56 - United States

Today, I bought cupcakes from a bakery by my work. I took them home, at which point my mother screamed at me because she's on a diet. Hours later I found the whole box empty. Great self-control, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28416

You deserved it

4666

Tweet

Share

By emisara93 - 23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3580

You deserved it

422

Tweet

Share

By ashleynicolle - 25/2/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

I agree, your life sucks

11632

You deserved it

36715

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35618

You deserved it

4214

Tweet

Share

By Alisha - 7/8/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24075

You deserved it

2305

Tweet

Share

By Confusedfiance - 16/10/2018 05:00

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3010

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By Thanh Quang - 31/1/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40470

You deserved it

14767

Tweet

Share

By Phil - 21/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25295

You deserved it

2922

Tweet

Share

By BaWanda - 30/6/2014 23:39 - United States - San Diego

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32498

You deserved it

47962

Tweet

Share

By hahasuckit - 25/12/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31249

You deserved it

5274

Tweet

Share

By littlekellilee - 8/3/2012 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32745

You deserved it

2524

Tweet

Share

By weirdlove - 23/1/2010 08:38 - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating an icecream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33498

You deserved it

7957

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 14:00

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2363

You deserved it

368

Tweet

Share

By Gem - 11/2/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20468

You deserved it

27241

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1378

You deserved it

578

Tweet

Share

By GrandmaShakers - 2/6/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40445

You deserved it

5157

Tweet

Share

By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84448

You deserved it

598316

Tweet

Share

By StewPit - 16/4/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15217

You deserved it

74865

Tweet

Share

By momolee - 7/7/2012 19:13 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9958

You deserved it

42252

Tweet

Share

By Ellie - 9/10/2013 23:15 - United States - Mission

Today, I dreamt that I beat someone up for using Comic Sans in a project. Now I can't look at him without being irrationally angry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37261

You deserved it

7066

Tweet

Share

By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9397

You deserved it

83928

Tweet

Share

By GroosedOut - 20/8/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44492

You deserved it

5382

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/3/2017 14:00

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2883

You deserved it

6351

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24235

You deserved it

2421

Tweet

Share

By oops - 4/12/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14659

You deserved it

36066

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 04:00

Jedi mind trick

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2101

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29544

You deserved it

2369

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27618

You deserved it

5648

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Bozo | 3

#7870042 - Friday 27 December 2019 18:32

Men remember the important things sweetie.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7870082 - Friday 27 December 2019 21:59

Did you celebrate by giving him a bj?

COMMENTS

By Bozo | 3

#7870042 - Friday 27 December 2019 18:32

Men remember the important things sweetie.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7870082 - Friday 27 December 2019 21:59

Did you celebrate by giving him a bj?

Reply

mfranks19891989 | 10

#7870086 - Friday 27 December 2019 23:01

That’s what I want to know. It ain’t an anniversary without another bj

By namine120409 | 40

#7870179 - Saturday 28 December 2019 10:57

Originally posted April 10, 2011

By Kammi Smith | 5

#7870236 - Saturday 28 December 2019 18:40

Men are stupid sometimes.

By Miss_Kat | 7

#7870434 - Sunday 29 December 2020 17:48

Just throw the whole man out..

By Christian_Drug_Dealer | 2

#7873273 - Friday 10 January 2020 3:16

mad lad!!!

By KingAdrock | 15

#7874110 - Tuesday 14 January 2020 1:02

Your BF thinks you give great head and you call FML?