The Top

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Single and ready to Pringle

By Anonymous - 09/10/2022 00:00

Today, I realized that the guy I lost my virginity to only slept with me for a bet. He confessed and apologized. He truly looked like he regretted it, so I forgave him and we hooked up again. Turns out this was a bet too. The worst part? I would do it again, because I'm really that lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 901

You deserved it 892

Weird kink but OK

By Anonymous - 25/01/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was alone at my dad's house. I was furiously masturbating when I knocked something over. It was my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 651

By sidldaking - 21/01/2014 23:24 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a big final project due for class. None of my project partners would help me yesterday, because they were convinced we'd have a snow day. Unfortunately, we didn't have a snow day, and we failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 616

You deserved it 7 617

sidldaking tells us more.

sidldaking 18

Wednesday 30 April 2014 0:38

To follow up on the FML, I complained to my teacher and informed him about the situation. The project had multiple parts and we were given some time to work on it in class. I managed to finish my part of the project a few days earlier and all I had to do, was wait for my partners to finish their parts and I can put the whole thing together and hand it in. I kept goading my partners to finish their parts but to no avail. Finally on the night before the deadline, I begged my partners to finish, but they refused due to the possible snow day the next day. My teacher understood the situation and he decided to accept my part and grade it for me while the rest of my partners failed. P.S. Sorry for being so late

Betrayal

By Anonymous - 12/07/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sexting my friend for about a month. I've already paid for our wedding, which was supposed to be next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 133

The wagon

By Mariah - 25/09/2022 16:00

Today, after waiting two days for my ADD med because of "insurance issues", I was told it's out-of-stock. I have one pill left, and the pharmacy isn't open on the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 178

By someone72 - 22/03/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 58

Are you listening?

By littlemissignored - 02/09/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 856

You deserved it 7 146

Hangry

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 22:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom has two workbenches in her basement. They are so cluttered, they have all but disappeared. Now that she’s actually building something, she just uses the chest freezer as a workbench. I’m hungry and my dinner is in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 128

By trackgurl - 21/02/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 748

You deserved it 2 996

What did you do?

By Anonymous - 04/02/2024 06:00

Today, at my niece's christening, I was outside with family when we suddenly heard shouting and the priest pushing my husband outside while screaming, “GET OUT OF MY CHURCH!” Friar Tuck style. It’s been six hours and husband still won’t tell me what he did that upset a priest that badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 133

Cool moves

By Midge - 16/03/2010 23:03 - United States

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 197

You deserved it 44 211

Loner

By LonelyBoy - 16/03/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends, and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 708

You deserved it 26 961

I don't like to move it, move it

By Anonymous - 22/03/2020 09:30

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 1 251

Listen up during Sex Ed

By PregoPattie - 08/02/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I’m a senior in high school. I’m not sure who the father is since I was in a situationship with one guy after my ex, and I broke it off last Halloween. My parents strictly forbade me from dating until I was in college, so I don’t know how to tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 277

You deserved it 1 005

By chapstick - 09/01/2014 03:23 - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 909

You deserved it 13 706

By itsrathersmall - 15/01/2013 21:58 - United States - Fargo

Today, I learned my neighbor can access my wireless printer from his house after it started printing off pictures of what I'm assuming is his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 171

You deserved it 7 736

FOCUS!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 2 716

Jumpy

By bunny - 12/10/2022 12:00

Today, as always, my mom slams every door she closes. I faint when I hear loud sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 198

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 468

You deserved it 5 041

By Kristina - 18/02/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 031

You deserved it 6 892

It's not what you think!

By Anonymous - 16/10/2022 22:00

Today, I woke up and my date I'd had the best sex ever with last night had found the sex doll I hid in a cupboard. She'd left a note calling me a creep, and to lose her number. It was a prop for my brother's stag do last week, I’ve never had sex with it, I’m just waiting for the recycling bins on Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 429

By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/08/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 957

You deserved it 14 512

Nice sheen

By Vicki - 23/07/2021 14:03 - Canada

Today, I accidentally used wood stain instead of hairspray. Surprisingly, it doesn't come out that easily. FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 801

By LonelyInLA - 16/02/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 600

You deserved it 5 003

Slipping

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 20:01

Today, I called one of my coworkers to ask him where he was, because I needed him to come downstairs. After 2 minutes of yelling on the phone to come downstairs, I realized I'd called the wrong person, and was actually on the phone with my ex-boyfriend, who took me 6 months to get over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 1 074

Thanks Dad

By Anonymous - 19/10/2022 06:00

Today, and every time I want to try something new, my dad starts pointing out why it’s a stupid idea, or how it will obviously go wrong, and gets himself so worked up that in the end he’s just shouting at me while I cower, yet it also makes him mad when I just sit in my room with no hobbies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 99

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 02:48 - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 224

You deserved it 4 264

Unlucky in love

By Anonymous - 24/10/2022 16:00 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, it was supposed to be my first date with a girl I've been speaking to for three months. Last night, she revealed that she's still married, that her husband is "not so bad", and then confessed it all to him and blocked me. It was gonna be my first date in six years, after the last one stalked me across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 166

Thanks, asshat

By LowerCrust - 30/01/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 233

You deserved it 2 088

Repair this

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 06:01

Today, at my appliance job, we received a used dryer that needed to be fixed. I took it in the back room to test it. I plugged it in and turned it on. It started to smell so bad that I went to shut it down, but before I did I see two used condoms fly out of the back vent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 58

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The Top

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow my laundry room key. He was bare-ass naked. When I refused to open the door, he tried to break it down. I had to call the police before he would leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 683

You deserved it 3 359

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 877

You deserved it 2 787

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 272

You deserved it 10 696

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines had been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 244

You deserved it 55 710

Today, I found out that one of my best friends likes the girl that I like. What's funny is that my best friend is also a girl, and has a better chance with her than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 161

Today, my mom lost an argument and tried to ground me. I’m 43 years-old and own my own house, so yes, she actually tried to tell me to stay grounded in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 74