Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that she always feels like shit, and that she's tried "everything" to feel better. Everything except eating regular healthy meals, exercising, sleeping regularly, drinking water, showering, and changing clothes daily, that is. I pointed this out, and she kicked me out in a rage. FML
Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML
Today, I, a 33 year-old guy, had to explain to my 27 year-old girlfriend that she does NOT pee out of her vaginal opening, but does in fact have a separate hole she pees from. She didn’t believe me. After showing her a diagram of the female anatomy online, she said, “Yeah well I don’t have one of those.” FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML
Today, my girlfriend has become such a workaholic that I found her sitting in her office, soaked in piss. When I called her out, she said she didn't want to take bathroom breaks anymore, and asked me to buy diapers. FML
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Top comments
kimmi41509 10
What a moron. I know girls who fart, burp, and shit more than a man.
Yellow_Fish79 11
She's going to really hate motherhood someday.
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Comments (125)
s0m3guy2010 21
She can't be deluding herself if it's true.
Nutz101 7
I hope nobody starts saying puns like 'shit happens' or anything like that
s0m3guy2010 21
Or in this case... shit doesn't happen.
MagicGiraffe 12
Unicorns poop glitter.
HowAreYouToday 34
No, unicorns poop rainbows. Get your sh*t straight.
baconftw 9
Oh, I wish girls were like that -.-
HowAreYouToday 34
Well, I wish I had a geass. Seriously though, were all human and people like you are the reason females have to hide normal bodily functions.
dustbunny416 0
She's just too legit. Too legit to shit.
LennyComa 39
I want to believe that girls cant poop, so I choose to wrongly believe it
R3TROxLOV3 32
70- You wish girls didn't have the same bodily functions as men?
Sliver1991 26
Perhaps calling it something else would confuse him! From now on, women don't fart, they 'pass gas'! Totally different.
sisterjameela 7
Women don't fart, we fluff.
5t3ff1k4h 47
poot*
abrainiac13 6
Girls don't pool
migi428 5
69, no pun intended?
saksxalmo 20
And we don't sweat, we glisten.
Bluekaren16 19
Women shart.
sens3sfailing 25
Yeah! Get it straight like a rainbow...wait...
JoeRogansBEARD 15
This post made me think of the south park episode when Stan's dad takes the biggest shit in the world... Maybe she's just trying to beat his record
doctorhook86 25
178: Only attractive people glisten, male or female.
omgwtfbbq69 5
she's telling the truth. girls don't poop, or fart. that's a fact
Pretty_reckless_fml 18
Oh god :L People glistening is way too close-for-comfort to twilight *shudders*, then again ironically it is a load of shit haha
kimmi41509 10
What a moron. I know girls who fart, burp, and shit more than a man.
Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH 7
You?
kimmi41509 10
Nope. One of my old friends actually. Everyone in school called her Shrek.
Roevera 14
So you're telling me that you've never once in your life farted, burped or shit worse than a man? You're just as bad as OP!
kimmi41509 10
Lol no, but I'm saying on a daily basis. Everyone gets the *****. Everyone farts and burps. But most women won't be open about it like some men will. And then there's people like OP, who will fully believe they don't ever do that.
zach8771 3
Ew
kimmi41509 10
*OP's girlfriend.
PeteyPablo12308 20
Wow Roevera, maybe you should actually read her comment(s)...
Hockeyboy4280 18
I don't know why, but this is the most disturbing thread for some reason...
deBlobX 12
50- Shat
mimi_animee 18
I have a friend that claims that she has never farted. I keep telling her it's impossible but she says it's true..
TheQueenLala 6
I agree cuz that's what I'm like. For instance I'm checking fml while I'm on the crapper.. And I make crazy burps
tippy_pink89 2
My mom was like that, she never passed gas until after cancer surgery when she had 16 inches of colon removed.
ilymyfriends16 3
Lmao! So true
paigie97 0
Wow... Either she thinks you're stupid enough to believe that... Or she's a bit challenged herself.
MCRaddict15 15
I don't understand why she would even say that. She has to take a dump sometime where OP might be around.
onlychildFTW 34
Yeah how can she think that because she has to do it and then that's proof to her that she'd wrong. She just doesn't make sense.
Yellow_Fish79 11
She's going to really hate motherhood someday.
Roevera 14
Careful OP. Knowing her idiotic logic, if you have a baby girl that poops, she might accuse you of cheating too..... "this is not my child, it poops!!"
wubbazugg 5
Are you seriously encouraging this mental midget to breed?
br0ccoli 15
46- Actually, giving birth will prove what a liar she is. A lot of women poop as they deliver their child. "What is this? What is this coming out? I have another hole there? What is going on?!?"
shots1996 8
I'm with 165 idiots like this should not be allowed to contribute to the gene pool
rcgirl2 11
Doesn't she know that when she was a baby that's what she spent most of her time doing?
rcgirl2 11
I didn't mean to post this twice. The app messed up.
brewmasterg 34
Disregard.
rcgirl2 11
Doesn't she know that when she was a baby that's what she spent most of her time doing?
ydi_4_suking 20
doing what?
rcgirl2 11
Um. Maybe taking dumps since this is what the FML is about.
Nutz101 7
Taking a dump
saksxalmo 20
That's not actually a grammar rule, you know. It's stylistic. But you should consider correctly capitalizing your sentences before you criticize others' grammar. :)
rcgirl2 11
172- Don't underestimate us Grammar Nazis.
MrJustFriendz 5
Looks time its time to get a new and smarter girlfriend. :P
amandajlucas2015 2
Y is that everyone's solution on this site.. Oh she said something stupid get rid of her get a new one.. Most likely the next one is going to say something stupid too.. And maybe OPs girlfriend just feels its inappropriate to discuss farting and pooping w him. Maybe she was raised not to talk like that
spikedrummer49 6
I disagree, if your girlfriend is stupid enough to legitimately believe she doesn't take a dump, it's time to be with someone who can understand bodily functions. Like the saying goes... Everyone poops.
TheNewGuy03 29
138: I never understood why it was so taboo to talk about normal bodily functions. I understand if you don't want to disclose the surly, intricate details of each one of your bowel movements, but it should never be bad if you simply said that you took a shit. I hate people.
Johnnyz321 2
She's a blond... right?
zandalee 20
On behalf of blonde women everywhere: Kindly **** off. Thank you.
kimmi41509 10
I was going to post a comment saying "Let me guess..she's a blonde." But I am a blonde now and a natural blonde as well. Not all of us are nitwits. :)
geocayce 7
Definitely not. Some of the smartest people I know are blonde. Pretty sure the whole "blonde" joke was kind of phased out as the times changed.
amandajlucas2015 2
Thank u #27 my words exactly
ally123123 2
How do u know she's blonde maybe she is but that doesn't mean all blondes are stupid ok it's just being racist
razuu 1
Do you know what being racist means?
meihua 19
You mean hairist ... Haha Forgive me
Bluekaren16 19
People make the blonde jokes because when people bleach their hair the peroxide in the hair dye can cause brain damage. There you go folks, a brief explanation on how the blonde jokes came to be. And the media also has much to do with it as well.
peachyFML 17
Peroxide is the stuff you clean wounds with. I doubt it would do much damage to your brain cells even if there was peroxide in hair color.
vippity 1
this is neither criticism nor herald (nor judgment) of hair follicle colouration but for some reason wouldn't expect a blonde commenting about 'blondeness' to use the word 'nitwit'. However, I like some blondes and the word nitwit so hhmm I guess that's okay.
Ilikeurfmls 13
But we really don't poop...
TehParteh 9
You're full of shit.
momolee 4
That's not true. We shit rainbow and glitter.
fuzz97 23
Not unless you swallow an arts and crafts kit, you don't.
ajeppsen 25
I see what you did there 24
KiddNYC1O 22
Only Ke$ha ***** rainbow and glitter.
whogivesafuck88 10
If she never poops she sure is ;)
peachyFML 17
She is a ridiculous "singer" in the U.S. that sings about partying, drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. One of the many bad influences in today's society.
Blackmail111 9
Wait for her to take a dump and then bust in and yell "Ha! Told you so!".
westcoastkp 13
or put laxatives in her food when you hangout , she'll admit it eventually with all the bathroom trips!