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By bubbles - 05/09/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 704

You deserved it 41 113

The book of revelations

By MiraR - 06/10/2022 18:30

Spicy

Today, I lost my diary. The diary in which I write all my appointments/chores/grocery lists, etc. It includes "Wash last week's underwear", "Batteries for vibrator" and "Diarrhea meds". I'm 99% sure I lost it in one of my classes. I'm dreading going to college tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 429

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Spicy

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 598

You deserved it 5 767

TMI

By awkwardturtle - 25/01/2013 05:31 - Canada - London

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 709

You deserved it 13 839

Breaking news

By Noname - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 504

You deserved it 57 951

****** around, found out

By Single4evaaaa - 07/10/2022 13:00

Spicy

Today, the woman that I left my wife for told me she just wanted me for sex and not a long-term relationship. I pleaded on my knees to my wife to take me back and rekindle our marriage and even suggested counseling. I even brought her roses. She slapped me with the roses and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 10 337

By ugh - 21/01/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 469

You deserved it 6 041

Jackson Galaxy moment

By Foreigner Fail - 25/09/2022 13:30

Today, I meowed at my cat and he got really close to me. I then meowed again and he punched me in the face. Them's fightin' words, it seems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 379

By Username - 13/02/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 924

You deserved it 4 806

By mama75 - 17/03/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 272

You deserved it 5 132

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 312

You deserved it 7 607

By Anonymous - 11/02/2012 01:06 - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 641

You deserved it 10 326

By soaked - 31/08/2009 13:05 - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 490

You deserved it 2 746

By muffinmen1022 - 20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 457

You deserved it 11 834

By Anonymous - 09/02/2012 21:42 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 027

You deserved it 19 902

It's a doggy dog world

By Zach Got Robbed - 08/01/2014 23:02 - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 432

You deserved it 5 323

Knowledge is power

By mrnikc - 24/03/2020 02:04 - United States

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 728

You deserved it 147

By Mels - 06/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 994

You deserved it 15 745

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 08:24 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 003

You deserved it 6 704

Welcome to Hell

By Riley - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 825

You deserved it 3 822

Itchy and scratchy

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 00:01

Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 373

By I'm screwed - 13/01/2013 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 639

You deserved it 3 505

By stuckhome - 08/04/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 4 323

By leapple - 14/03/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 732

You deserved it 37 325

By morg2000 - 17/02/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 602

You deserved it 3 168

By Kayla_BlowPop - 03/01/2014 08:34 - Canada - Amherst

Today, my water pipes froze and burst and I now have to take snow from my back yard and boil it down into water in order to flush my toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 310

You deserved it 3 962

Kayla_BlowPop tells us more.

Kayla_BlowPop 21

Friday 3 January 2014 23:30

Hey, I'm the OP. My pipes burst at about 2:00 AM so I couldn't take water from neighbours or call a friend. We figured out they froze at like five PM and we were all trying to unfreeze them. At that point it was just the hot water that didn't work. It actually happened to us once already, and we fixed it so we didn't think it was a big deal until they burst. We called the plumber the next day and we had water by the time I woke up. It was just my little sister and I who were melting the snow, because we were the only ones who had to pee. We made a really big mess and my sister kept flushing the toilet before we actually had enough water, making us have to start all over again. It was a horrible experience and my older brother refused to help. But now, it's just a really funny story to tell.

By Courtney - 04/02/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 464

You deserved it 34 707

By Brinty - 13/03/2010 05:18 - Australia

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 230

You deserved it 3 395

Flashdance

By Muhd Hazrie - 27/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was working as a security guard in a office building. It was 5 p.m. and most of the staff had gone home so it was pretty quiet. I did a little ballet dance around my security post. When I turned around, I saw my supervisor taking a video of me. He sent it to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 452

By it's just a name - 10/01/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 339

You deserved it 6 326

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The Top

The Top

Today, my neighbour is a doctor and has a 2 year-old son. He has a stomach infection and has been crying non stop day and night for a week now. The woman is not taking him to the hospital or giving him medicines, because it's "just diarrhea" and will "go away." The crying is driving me mad. I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 62

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 741

You deserved it 5 439

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 66

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 8 539

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 051

You deserved it 6 970

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 753

You deserved it 3 425