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By xtinasky1 - 07/03/2014 04:24 - United States - Spanaway

Today, after waking up, I walk into the kitchen to see my two-year-old with a blue sharpie in hand as he says, "Look mom, color!" He left no appliance or cabinet untouched in his coloring masterpiece, and I'm still trying to figure out where he got the sharpie from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 064

You deserved it 5 470

xtinasky1 tells us more.

xtinasky1 0

Saturday 8 March 2014 3:49

Apparently mommy can't go to the bathroom, because that's where I was for a whole 2 minutes while he did it.

Burned!

By nali1122 - 22/10/2019 12:00

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 2 796

By o.v. - 16/05/2011 16:04 - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 105

You deserved it 47 637

By ouch - 26/06/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 741

You deserved it 8 999

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 13/06/2021 13:59 - Australia - Epping

Today, my disability job agent, who's supposed to help me find work that fits my limitations, told me to immediately withdraw from a job offer that suited me, because it didn't meet her "benchmark". She then told me that she would decide what's "appropriate" for me, and if I don't comply, my support will be revoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 101

By simonjudy - 14/05/2011 20:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt, wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said, "We know you will do well." Mine said, "We will love you no matter what happens." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 182

You deserved it 5 097

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask a cute guy for his number. Once he had given me his, he asked for mine. My initial happiness was deflated when he said, "OK, now I can just block every message from you," and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 677

You deserved it 4 543

Guess she's doing fine, then

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 14:00

Today, after eight years of estrangement, I finally heard from my mother. Not that she contacted me, I just saw her in an YouTube video, in which batshit people in red hats and draped in flags were being interviewed during the "hogs gone wild" shitshow down in Florida, protesting about the FBI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 214

By GrannyAt22 - 22/06/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 962

You deserved it 26 878

Old habits die hard

By atsukobo - 10/03/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 695

You deserved it 4 835

By HelpMe - 25/02/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 024

You deserved it 3 855

The comeback kid

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 932

You deserved it 4 665

By lex - 14/02/2013 11:01 - United States

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 055

You deserved it 12 292

By Hungrytoothbrush - 07/03/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of taking me to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 237

You deserved it 2 423

By ohIlike - 15/09/2009 12:10 - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our Facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, "liking" the break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 970

You deserved it 7 579

Rash beard

By Rashbeard - 05/01/2020 01:00

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 456

Don't dick around with those guys

By Cuntface McGee - 21/02/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 946

You deserved it 18 660

By sarad206 - 19/02/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 476

You deserved it 3 839

By fireenginemad - 10/02/2013 06:08 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my roommate found an eviction notice on our door for unpaid rent. Our apartment building caught fire and we haven't been living there for well over a month because it was legally unlivable. Today was our first day back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 360

You deserved it 2 189

By badhair - 13/09/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to a salon. As soon as I walked in, someone ran to me and inspected my hair and said, "We can fix this." I was there to get my daughter's hair done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 132

You deserved it 6 245

Big Brother is watching you

By Anonymous - 20/11/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend came to visit from another state. My mom didn't want me to go to his hotel, but I did. When she asked about it, I lied to her and said I didn't go. She the showed me a picture of my car outside his hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 2 713

By wtf1234 - 03/05/2011 01:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 893

You deserved it 4 403

Innocence project

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 00:01

Today, my son-in-law slapped my daughter, so I put him in an armhold and threw him outside. My daughter refused to press charges so he got away, but then he pressed charges against me for hitting his head against the wall when I threw him, so I got arrested instead. Justice is a shitting joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 23/05/2010 23:00 - Canada

Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 118

You deserved it 7 850

By hwood - 09/09/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 544

You deserved it 8 245

Low key

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 00:01 - Australia - Smithfield

Today, my family is placing bets on my being pregnant. I'm experiencing a very painful miscarriage and no one knows. I didn't want to eat a pre-made gas station salad when I visited for lunch and apparently the only explanation could be pregnancy, not that I didn't want to die from food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 119

Startled

By not a cheater - 05/07/2021 00:01 - United States

Today, I was writing in a journal as part of my therapy. I jumped and hid it when my boyfriend startled me by coming in. He now swears I must be cheating, that I’m keeping secrets from him and I trust a stranger with my personal thoughts more than I trust him. That’s kinda the point of therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 222

Dream Baby Dream

By Sleepless - 03/02/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 006

You deserved it 4 291

Pull your weight

By WtfDude - 17/09/2022 12:00

Today, we're both working parents. My husband gave a lecture about "mother's duties" and "dad's duties". Why? Because I asked him to get our toddler ready for school and change our son's diaper as I was down with severe COVID. For just one day, I asked him to do a part of my tasks. It's 2022, and I earn more than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 262

Oh gosh

By Anonymous - 16/02/2020 14:00

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 707

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The Top

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 385

You deserved it 900

Today, we wanted to buy a bigger house just up the street from our current house so all three of our kids could have their own rooms, but we were outbid… by my mother in law, so now we’re stuck in our too small house even longer, and the evil old bitch is now close enough to visit us every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 73

Random

Today, I went to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. There were two very attractive waiters. They waited until I went to the toilet to sit down, talk to my friends and hit on them. They promptly left upon my return. Men avoid me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 031

You deserved it 5 478

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 654

You deserved it 3 941

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 538

You deserved it 3 134

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 663

You deserved it 76 971

Today, I went to see a doctor because of some blood in my stool. Not only is the matter embarrassing enough as is, it turned out the doctor was a young, crisply dressed, extremely handsome man. I then had his finger in my ass for a check-up, all the while him being very nice about it. I'm still mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 233

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer going to be homeschooled and that they're putting me in regular school. I don't want to because my generation is so fucking dumb, but they won't listen to me. I won't fit in at all but they just dismiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 484