By Rashbeard

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1720

You deserved it

413

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Health

Commando

Late term

Body issues

By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42724

You deserved it

20444

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By Anonymous

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1790

You deserved it

695

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62359

You deserved it

8777

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By Ophelia - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12789

You deserved it

1043

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By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16228

You deserved it

27010

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By stickygoober - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

812

You deserved it

7072

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By NYMTS - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41263

You deserved it

10877

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By ufhdafuhds - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

I agree, your life sucks

138469

You deserved it

14368

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By Tripp

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1680

You deserved it

550

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By fmlTGOD - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37543

You deserved it

5671

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By Anonymous

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1828

You deserved it

197

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By greatdriver...4 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11824

You deserved it

26643

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By midnightblade163 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23132

You deserved it

1831

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11747

You deserved it

66819

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By RAHrahRAH - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34332

You deserved it

2371

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By lydiacoolness - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53439

You deserved it

6465

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By Anonymous

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1449

You deserved it

342

Favorite

By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44579

You deserved it

18089

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29136

You deserved it

6630

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By single - United States - Hurricane

Today, my ex boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37609

You deserved it

3030

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By cloudish - Germany

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my best friend that I like him more than just as a friend. I was about to tell him when he excitedly told me that he met the love of his life yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4969

You deserved it

591

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53653

You deserved it

3966

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39066

You deserved it

21204

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By Sierra Madre

Time for an intervention

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1625

You deserved it

160

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40730

You deserved it

73407

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By pianoplayer - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47444

You deserved it

2825

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I attended my mother's funeral. My husband came too, and during the service, I kept hearing him giggling. I wrote it off as the usual awkward nerves, until he started snorting too, and I caught sight of the iPhone under his jacket. He was reading this very site. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64459

You deserved it

4571

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By CassyM - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

I agree, your life sucks

4427

You deserved it

769

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34782

You deserved it

2839

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By clkoko - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21379

You deserved it

5529

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By shreking_bawl - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32056

You deserved it

3422

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By Professional

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2193

You deserved it

3937

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By funnyguyNOT - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24264

You deserved it

284573

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By unsatisfied - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32496

You deserved it

6483

Favorite

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4376

You deserved it

180

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By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4636

You deserved it

7123

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By Ann - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42070

You deserved it

4880

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By Anonymous - France - Sardieu

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44981

You deserved it

3363

Favorite

By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41499

You deserved it

8611

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By firebombtimEFUCKERS - United States

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23363

You deserved it

1701

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Top comments

By Gubbon | 8

#7872104 - Sunday 5 January 2020 4:19

I thought this FML was about eating at a restaurant.

By saffy66 | 34

#7582994 - Saturday 6 January 2018 11:16

Who uses lube for that? That’s what saliva is for.

COMMENTS

By saffy66 | 34

#7582994 - Saturday 6 January 2018 11:16

Who uses lube for that? That’s what saliva is for.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7872252 - Sunday 5 January 2020 21:32

people trying to make up a story to get an fml published.

xXPikachuXx | 21

#7872959 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 20:29

it's for the flavor

By LadyRen | 20

#7872101 - Sunday 5 January 2020 3:12

Was that lube ok to eat though? If I recall right there are edible types so check the one you used was one it was ok to ingest.

By Gubbon | 8

#7872104 - Sunday 5 January 2020 4:19

I thought this FML was about eating at a restaurant.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7872251 - Sunday 5 January 2020 21:31

because they likely lied

By shannon2348 | 14

#7872112 - Sunday 5 January 2020 6:23

First of all this is really badly written. Who in gods name uses lubes to eat some one out? ydi

By Yudith | 20

#7872185 - Sunday 5 January 2020 14:28

Time to get yourself a niqab. Or a balaclava, the one without mouth hole.

By Dr_Alex | 8

#7872207 - Sunday 5 January 2020 16:36

Are you sure you need "with" in the first sentence?

By Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 15

#7872242 - Sunday 5 January 2020 20:22

it's not "eating out with" it's literally just "eating out".

and those of you asking "who uses lube for that" have CLEARLY never experienced how much fun you can really have with lube.