Work: Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen...

By sarad206 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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Work

Hiding from the drama

Mother of the year

The smell detective is on the case

By Dani_Rich - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding in a 25 MPH zone. As the cop was walking towards my car, I flicked my cig-bud out of my window. So, the cop did me the pleasure of writing me two tickets instead of one. FML

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By Anonymous

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

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By gross - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By rkl2010 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By I_Am_The_Edge - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

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By Hallllo - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

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By lk07

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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By dharp7 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By cloudberry - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Classy

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bend

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

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By Huedadaa - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

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By BrokebyKids - United States

Today, my daughter asked for a dollar to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck while I was on my computer working. Out of my wallet she took a fifty dollar bill. The ice cream man got a big tip before driving off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

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By "Levi2411"

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

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By beautyschool22 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By LadyLump - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By UFVKNP

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Piano999 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By stuckass - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

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By FMyLife5915

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

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By vickyxanne - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

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By Baddad

This is terrible!

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By Therapy needed urgently

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By Patricia - United States

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By irony - United States - Louisville

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

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By newguy - United States

Hazing rituals

Today, it's my third day at work and the hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

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By Lousydriver - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Things that go bump in the… parking lot

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I hadn't noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

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By bluskyz1979 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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Top comments

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

COMMENTS

By OctoDope | 15

#5863147 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:34

Oooh, Kinky.

kinky44 | 28

#5863334 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:03

You called? Oh no wait, no one ever calls me. . .damn.

xxBFMVAAMIWxx | 18

#5863478 - Thursday 20 February 2014 6:11

Only Beetlejuice can say that

By anormalperson | 25

#5863149 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

sucks for you, bet you heard it as well

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

klorehore | 24

#5863270 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:23

I'm just picturing this insanely lonely old man :(

ThatPlankton | 15

#5863318 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:35

He must've been Canadian.

Posthuman | 26

#5863329 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:51

#33 Because all polite old men with no shame in their wrinkly manhood are from Canada, right?

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5863342 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:19

#35. Yes.

OctoDope | 15

#5863401 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:59

When I grow old I hope to be that confident in my wrinkly old manhood. My balls will sag to my knees but screw it! Lets show the world!

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#5863417 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:39

#33 there is absolutely no chance of him being Candian, I didn't see the word "Eh" in that entire conversation

By xSkittle | 16

#5863151 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aww old people are so cute

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5863186 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:57

Id let op watch, without braking eye contact

CommentModerated | 17

#5863220 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:25

Definitely have to have full speed eye contact

tastychickens | 13

#5863852 - Thursday 20 February 2014 16:31

Yeah, most old dudes want everybody to look at it.

By gej12345 | 17

#5863153 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aw, he just wanted to be friends!

By MarisaCB | 16

#5863154 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

At least your job is exciting!

CheckMyProfile | 17

#5863434 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:59

I don't cleaning bathrooms is an exciting job!!!!!

By usernamepurp | 8

#5863155 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

That "Please stay" is bad enough

123amanda123 | 14

#5864330 - Friday 21 February 2014 3:45

He could have asked for assistance!

By beaverteaser | 16

#5863156 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

well atleast he didn't ask you to hold it

HersheySquirts | 17

#5863765 - Thursday 20 February 2014 14:32

Maybe he did. We haven't gotten that far yet.

By thefastnfuryass | 14

#5863157 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

And they call them the "Golden Years".

AFCCT | 7

#5863255 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:08

Because once you get old you drink too much and your piss is forever golden

Polynomial | 28

#5863325 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:45

Actually, he was thinking of a shower, not a year.