Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen...

By sarad206 - 19/2/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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Work

Family values

Oh, hai!

Vultures

By Sassers - 3/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 23/7/2019 04:05

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

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By xoragebaby - 24/1/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By mindlost - 7/1/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

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By nadette - 25/5/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By anonymous - 23/4/2013 21:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I went to my grandmom's house for an hour or so. When I came home, my boyfriend was on the bed, covered in the sheets and about to cry. Turns out he taped his ballsack to his leg and couldn't get it off because it "hurts too much." I'm 24 and he's 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 17:01 - United States - Pulaski

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

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By unemployed - 9/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - 27/6/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By manda8484 - 1/11/2016 05:12 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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By Isabell - 6/2/2010 05:31 - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By PoachedFish - 29/12/2010 10:57 - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey - 7/6/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - 2/10/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By noname1025 - 4/9/2012 16:44 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

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By DaoOfPow - 23/5/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By anonymous - 30/7/2014 02:36 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was at the beach with a group of friends, including the guy I like. As soon as we got to the beach, I ran toward the water and he chased after me. It was a beautiful moment until I looked back at him, tripped, fell on my face and slid down the beach. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 17:30

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

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By datgirl92 - 24/5/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

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By santashelper - 5/12/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

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By Smile No More - 13/5/2011 12:27

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was alone in the car with my grandma for five hours while she told me all about the multiple bladder infections she's had in the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 22:39 - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

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By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

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By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By wherefelix - 3/7/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By anonymous - 18/6/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter - 26/6/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:54 - United Kingdom - Southend

Today, my little sister randomly came up to me and said: "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML

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By waitwhat - 18/3/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

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By AllyCat - 7/6/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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By Triumvirate - 16/10/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Death Grips

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By KTK - 18/2/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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Top comments

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

Comments

By OctoDope | 15

#5863147 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:34

Oooh, Kinky.

kinky44 | 28

#5863334 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:03

You called? Oh no wait, no one ever calls me. . .damn.

xxBFMVAAMIWxx | 18

#5863478 - Thursday 20 February 2014 6:11

Only Beetlejuice can say that

By anormalperson | 25

#5863149 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

sucks for you, bet you heard it as well

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

klorehore | 24

#5863270 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:23

I'm just picturing this insanely lonely old man :(

ThatPlankton | 15

#5863318 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:35

He must've been Canadian.

Posthuman | 26

#5863329 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:51

#33 Because all polite old men with no shame in their wrinkly manhood are from Canada, right?

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5863342 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:19

#35. Yes.

OctoDope | 15

#5863401 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:59

When I grow old I hope to be that confident in my wrinkly old manhood. My balls will sag to my knees but screw it! Lets show the world!

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#5863417 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:39

#33 there is absolutely no chance of him being Candian, I didn't see the word "Eh" in that entire conversation

By xSkittle | 16

#5863151 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aww old people are so cute

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5863186 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:57

Id let op watch, without braking eye contact

CommentModerated | 17

#5863220 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:25

Definitely have to have full speed eye contact

tastychickens | 13

#5863852 - Thursday 20 February 2014 16:31

Yeah, most old dudes want everybody to look at it.

By gej12345 | 17

#5863153 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aw, he just wanted to be friends!

By MarisaCB | 16

#5863154 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

At least your job is exciting!

CheckMyProfile | 17

#5863434 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:59

I don't cleaning bathrooms is an exciting job!!!!!

By usernamepurp | 8

#5863155 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

That "Please stay" is bad enough

123amanda123 | 14

#5864330 - Friday 21 February 2014 3:45

He could have asked for assistance!

By beaverteaser | 16

#5863156 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

well atleast he didn't ask you to hold it

HersheySquirts | 17

#5863765 - Thursday 20 February 2014 14:32

Maybe he did. We haven't gotten that far yet.

By thefastnfuryass | 14

#5863157 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

And they call them the "Golden Years".

AFCCT | 7

#5863255 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:08

Because once you get old you drink too much and your piss is forever golden

Polynomial | 28

#5863325 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:45

Actually, he was thinking of a shower, not a year.