Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen...

By sarad206 - 19/2/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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Work

Capitalism kills

Property law

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By indierocklove - 3/8/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By annonymous - 18/6/2012 01:57 - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By sexualpopcorn - 21/12/2014 03:37 - United States - San Diego

Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said "see ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I called her ugly. FML

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By dimtsis - 29/7/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - 15/2/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By kqwarrior - 27/6/2016 03:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

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By honey soy - 29/1/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Neanderthals walk among us - 4/8/2013 19:09 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

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By Anyonexx0 - 14/4/2015 18:15 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By my dumb bro - 17/4/2013 16:13 - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

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By Wawawiwa - 21/7/2010 23:44 - Namibia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

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By disturbed - 17/3/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

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By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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By michael - 17/7/2019 12:07

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By FriendsSuck - 6/7/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

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By sdauner - 1/3/2010 21:55 - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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By Terrance - 14/8/2019 23:01 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I tried to point out to a chap in a van waiting at the lights that his tyre was flat, and that the rim had been spitting sparks all the way down the road. I was told in no uncertain terms, “Mind your own bleedin' business!” FML

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By Alyssa - 21/3/2012 01:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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By anonymous - 1/3/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By scarred4life - 18/1/2009 19:18 - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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By Anownimous - 18/9/2015 19:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 02:51 - United States - Mission

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

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By Extended_desktop - 11/9/2011 17:53 - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00 - United States - New Fairfield

Fortunately, she is gone

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2010 18:17 - United States

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

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By so sad no dad - 15/8/2019 06:00

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

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By moms a baby - 31/3/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

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By anonymous - 13/1/2012 05:05 - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

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By scoobses - 2/10/2015 00:45 - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Mike - 7/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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By IHateMyJob - 14/9/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

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By eun - 9/4/2009 01:42 - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By Lola - 26/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By bigmikenyc - 15/7/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By MC - 15/8/2011 02:51 - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

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Top comments

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

COMMENTS

By OctoDope | 15

#5863147 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:34

Oooh, Kinky.

kinky44 | 28

#5863334 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:03

You called? Oh no wait, no one ever calls me. . .damn.

xxBFMVAAMIWxx | 18

#5863478 - Thursday 20 February 2014 6:11

Only Beetlejuice can say that

By anormalperson | 25

#5863149 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

sucks for you, bet you heard it as well

By Preposterous | 8

#5863150 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

I find it terrifying that he said "please".

klorehore | 24

#5863270 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:23

I'm just picturing this insanely lonely old man :(

ThatPlankton | 15

#5863318 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:35

He must've been Canadian.

Posthuman | 26

#5863329 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:51

#33 Because all polite old men with no shame in their wrinkly manhood are from Canada, right?

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5863342 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:19

#35. Yes.

OctoDope | 15

#5863401 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:59

When I grow old I hope to be that confident in my wrinkly old manhood. My balls will sag to my knees but screw it! Lets show the world!

a_wiener_d0g | 15

#5863417 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:39

#33 there is absolutely no chance of him being Candian, I didn't see the word "Eh" in that entire conversation

By xSkittle | 16

#5863151 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aww old people are so cute

By tacojauns | 45

#5863152 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Ya that's bullshit, he wouldn't even let you look. FYL

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5863186 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:57

Id let op watch, without braking eye contact

CommentModerated | 17

#5863220 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:25

Definitely have to have full speed eye contact

tastychickens | 13

#5863852 - Thursday 20 February 2014 16:31

Yeah, most old dudes want everybody to look at it.

By gej12345 | 17

#5863153 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

Aw, he just wanted to be friends!

By MarisaCB | 16

#5863154 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:35

At least your job is exciting!

CheckMyProfile | 17

#5863434 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:59

I don't cleaning bathrooms is an exciting job!!!!!

By usernamepurp | 8

#5863155 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

That "Please stay" is bad enough

123amanda123 | 14

#5864330 - Friday 21 February 2014 3:45

He could have asked for assistance!

By beaverteaser | 16

#5863156 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

well atleast he didn't ask you to hold it

HersheySquirts | 17

#5863765 - Thursday 20 February 2014 14:32

Maybe he did. We haven't gotten that far yet.

By thefastnfuryass | 14

#5863157 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 22:36

And they call them the "Golden Years".

AFCCT | 7

#5863255 - Thursday 20 February 2014 0:08

Because once you get old you drink too much and your piss is forever golden

Polynomial | 28

#5863325 - Thursday 20 February 2014 1:45

Actually, he was thinking of a shower, not a year.